Page 50 of Yours, For Good

I've shared before in my letters how much I want friends. To have an inner circle to call my own. What I haven't shared yet is just how much I've hoped Javier can be one of the people I become super close to.

Well, I think we're doing well in that regard. We stayed in touch since we met, but first after Halloween and now after the holidays, we seem to have bonded more. We only spent a couple of days together over the holidays, but they were so good. He's so easy to talk to, and he listens deeply, and goes from zero to ninety with me in any topic we discuss. Javier and I match well.

And I think that's partly why I sometimes get confused and feel things that are two steps too far to the left from the realm of friendship.

What? The euphemism isn't working for you? Fine.

Sometimes I have kissing feelings about him.

AAAAAH. You see why I couldn't talk about him with you before? Like, when I mentioned going to the bar or even Sally's brother Jim— there were no emotions attached. I didn't feel vulnerable telling you about it. At most I wondered if I was annoying you with my observations but, when I talk about Javier? It feels like I'm peeling my skin off and letting you see something raw. Pardon the graphic imagery…

In any case, now that I have distance and I'm back in your condo, I look back to last week and I just…

What am I supposed to do about it? Ignore it? Continue to pretend it's not there?

Do I protect the friendship I want with him, or… or……….. I can't even bring myself to talk about allowing myself these kissing feelings.

Ugh, I'm so not good at any of this, Mr. B. The idea of romance has always seemed so unreal. Love— of any kind— it always ends, either by hurt or by death. You're either the one who leaves or the one who's left behind. It's a loan and the interest is to be paid in the form of grief.

I don't know how in detail you read my file (and I assume this was noted in there somewhere), but you might know a little about my familial origins. My mom

decided to raise me all by herself, disconnected from everyone I could have called my own. Why? I don't know! But at some point she lost love for her people, or her people lost love for her. How could that end? Can you imagine that grief?

And then I lost her, and I grieved.

When I think of relationships of any kind, I think about how long they might last. If grief will come, what are my chances I will at least have many years of love to enjoy?

The thing is, there's something I've learned from my degree and, to be honest, from books as well. I learned it from paying attention to the people I shared space with at the JGH, and how some of them would cry themselves to sleep. It all taught me this lesson: romantic relationships are the most likely to fail, but friendships can last forever. While friendships can be hard to find (especially as an adult. Ask me how I know), once they're established, they can last forever. The dating scene is a nightmare— that's known by folk with several human development and social psychology classes under their belt, and lay people alike.

It's undeniable: the ratio of how many successful friendships last for years and years, to how many romances last, is staggeringly disproportionate.

I told myself I would have everything I wanted, except long term romantic love.

So it makes NO SENSE to allow myself the kissy feelings for Javier, right?

I didn't expect to be so drawn. But the whispers I hear in my head at night sound like what if?

Especially since I'm pretty sure he thought about kissing me, too.

AAAHHHH

Maybe, in the many decades you've been around, you've learned a thing or two about these things. Maybe you'll consider writing back and giving me advice?

Nora of the Tender Heart

Javier

Despite being a philanthropist full time, there was one for-profit business in which I was considered a major shareholder. My friend Gabe and his family ran the Sotomayor Group, and Max and I had used our obscenely large pockets to build and support the conglomerate. It had seemed like the right thing to do, as the Sotomayors were like family, and they had a vested interest in promoting a progressive, socially aware business.

It was why I sat on the board. While I often called in via phone or used a proxy director to attend in my name, this time I'd visited in person. Gabe had asked me to come, because the board would vote on Jake's promotion. I wanted the honor of voting in my friend's favor.

I didn't plan to struggle paying attention in the meeting. When I raised my hand to approve the motion, I didn't expect my fingers to tremble. Yet that had been the case, because I had read Nora's email on the way to the Sotomayor offices and couldn't stop thinking about it.

Chatter and discussions continued around me, but all I managed to do was hold back a frustrated groan. In how many ways could a single man fuck up? I had done my best to circumvent every pitfall I could see, all in the hope I'd protect everyone involved from as much of a negative impact as possible. No matter how tightly I had held on to my options, Nora kept facing the brunt of it all.

She had asked for advice from Mr. Beanpole… about me.

While I pondered on not being good enough for her, seeing her as out of my league; while I struggled not to kiss her, she had wanted to kiss me, too. And didn't know what to do about it.