Page 21 of Vow of Desire

“Where are we going?” I ask as we leave the hotel room.

“Back to my home. Well, your home now.”

“Of course.”

I can feel him looking at me but I don’t turn my head. Just keep walking forward, I remind myself. One step at a time.

“How does that make you feel?” he asks. “Knowing you’ll be living with me from now on?”

“It’s what I expected to happen.”

“That’s not an answer. Tell me how you’re feeling.”

I keep my face neutral. No emotion or I’ll crack like I did last night. The memory of Matteo spanking me and forcing me to speak my mind still runs through my head like a pounding brick.

“I’m feeling fine,” I lie. “I knew I would move in with my husband. This is one thing I expected.”

“All right. But if you’re not happy, you can tell me.”

I stop and finally turn to face him. “What would that accomplish? We’re married now. I agreed to this. Why would my unhappiness change anything? I’ll try to be happy because this is my life now.” Maybe if I pretend to be happy long enough, I’ll actually start to feel it.

“Do I make you that unhappy?” His question catches me off guard. I can’t say anything and after a beat, he nods. “I know you didn’t want to marry me. You also know that you were not my first choice. But we don’t have to be miserable together. I promised to not hurt you. I want this marriage for peace. I won’t jeopardize it. As long as you don’t run away, we won’t have any problems. So why don’t we try to find happiness together?”

“I don’t know how to do that,” I admit.

“You could start by telling me how you feel. Truthfully.”

I want to tell Matteo everything. How I’m still afraid of my uncertain future. How I didn’t have my dream wedding. How I embarrassed myself by passing out. How I couldn’t do my duty. How I should be perfect and I don’t understand why it’s suddenly so hard for me to not be perfect.

And yet, I can’t get the words out. I can’t get anything out.

“We should go home,” I say instead. “I want to see where I’ll be living the rest of my life.”

Matteo’s eyes narrow but he doesn’t otherwise comment.

We drive through the city and end up in the country side and come upon a large chalet. It’s beautifully decorated in soft tan brick with black shudders. The house looks like the picture of elegance.

My heart is beating as we step inside. The inside is even more beautiful than the outside. Soft, warm wood tones everywhere mixed with cream colored furniture. A blend of old architecture mixed with new. The house itself is comforting to look at.

So why is my heart going to jump right out of my chest?

“I hope you like it,” Matteo says in his cold voice. I shouldn’t judge. I’m not showing him my real emotion so why should he do the same to me?

“It’s beautiful,” I answer honestly.

“I hope you mean it.” He has a small smirk on his face, telling me he’s joking. For once, I feel myself crack a real smile before him.

“I do mean it. It’s a very beautiful house.”

“I’ll show you to the bedroom.”

My heart skips another beat.

The bedroom is just as stunning as the rest of the house. A king sized bed covered with cream sheets inside a soft brown toned room. It’s like stepping into a relaxing sauna. Too bad I can’t relax myself.

“How do you like it?” he asks.

“It’s nice.”