Page 37 of The Midwife By the Sea

It all made sense now, that jolt of recognition she’d felt when she’d looked at Hope in the past. She hadn’t been able to put her finger on who Hope reminded her of, but it was obvious now that it had been Joe all along. The truth was in their smiles. They didn’t have to wait for the result of any DNA tests; Hope was Joe’s daughter.

Esther had wanted with all of her heart to get through the first meeting with Joe’s daughter, standing at his side and finding a way to welcome this woman into their lives on a permanent basis. She’d seen the hope in his eyes too, that Esther would somehow manage to do just that. Hope. How ironic did that seem now? It was his daughter’s name and his longing to play a role in her life had been written all over his face from the moment he’d realised it was her.

Esther had tried gritting her teeth and telling herself that it would all be over within an hour or so. Hope and Louie would stay for a cup of tea and a chat, but eventually they’d get up to leave. Except when Joe mentioned the way he and Hope took their tea being one of the things they had in common, it had hit Esther that this wouldn’t be over, not today, not ever. Joe had a daughter and that revelation had changed their whole lives. Forever. That’s when the fight or flight had kicked in and she’d known she had to make a dash for the door. She’d run for as long as she could after leaving the house, before bursting into tears. Then, when she’d got herself together enough to continue, she’d started to walk instead.

‘I don’t know what to do.’ She whispered the words aloud now, with no one but herself in earshot, as she made her way, not towards the village as she’d told Joe she would, but along the coastal path, heading nowhere in particular. It felt like a metaphor for her entire life right now. She’d just have to keep going until she felt ready to go back and face the situation, not sure whether Joe and Hope could forgive her for running out on them the way she had, because none of this had been their fault. Yet she still couldn’t help wishing that today had never happened. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to look herself in the eye as a result, let alone Joe. So for now, walking was all she could do.

‘I should go after her, shouldn’t I?’ Joe looked as though he might make a bolt to follow Esther at any moment, but Louie shook his head.

‘Actually, I don’t think you should.’ If he felt awkward about giving his boss advice, Louie’s face didn’t betray it. ‘Esther said she needs time to process this and you and I both know that trying to fast-forward someone through that phase never works. What she needs most of all right now is space to try and make sense of all of this and when she’s ready to talk, you can be there for her.’

‘You’re right.’ Joe sighed. ‘In my profession, I should know that better than anyone, but when it’s someone you love, the urge to try and fix things for them is almost overwhelming. I’m not sure how long I’m going to be able to hold out before I have to go and find her. Just to know she’s okay.’

‘You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel that way.’ Louie put a hand on Joe’s shoulder. ‘This has been a huge shock for you too and I think everyone needs time to process it and work out where you go from here. I think taking things one step at a time is the way to go.’

‘It’s certainly how I feel,’ Hope said, incredibly grateful for Louie’s steadying presence. He was able to see it all far more objectively than the rest of them and she wasn’t sure she’d have given Joe the same advice. She’d probably have encouraged him to go after Esther, but she could see now that it wouldn’t have been the right thing to do. Esther had told them all that she needed some time, and they had to respect that. Hope was just glad that Joe hadn’t tried to apologise on Esther’s behalf. She had nothing to apologise for, and it was reassuring to see just how much empathy he had for how this news was affecting his wife. It lessened some of Hope’s guilt about the way that all of this had come out. There was still no denying that Esther was reeling, in exactly the way Hope had feared she would, since their first encounter in the hospital.

‘It has been a huge shock, Louie is right.’ Joe turned to face Hope as he spoke. ‘But I want you to know that seeing you standing at that door was something I’ll probably never be able to put into words. I didn’t know who I was expecting, but I couldn’t have asked for more. I’ve got no right to be proud of you, when I’ve had no hand at all in the person you are, but I am. Incredibly so. Having witnessed the way you are at work and how you interact with people… I feel so lucky that it’s you who came to my door.’

‘I feel the same way.’ Hope still wasn’t ready for any kind of Hollywood moment, but she needed Joe to know how glad she was that it was him, too. ‘I had no idea what sort of person you’d be, but when I met you, I could tell you were kind and that made me want to tell you who I was. I just didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. Then the secret I was holding onto decided to reveal itself – and here we are. It’s been far more dramatic than I ever wanted it to be, so from now on I think taking it slowly is the way to go for everyone. Especially Esther.’

‘You’re a very special person, Hope.’ Joe touched her arm for just an instant, still not pushing for any kind of over-the-top long-lost family kind of moment. ‘And if we’re starting out slowly, maybe we should begin with that cup of tea I promised you?’

‘Sounds perfect,’ Hope said, following Louie’s lead and pulling out one of the dining room chairs to sit down on.

‘I knew the summer I met Laura was one I’d remember all my life.’ Joe turned towards the kettle as he spoke, his back facing them. ‘It wasn’t because I fell in love. Even then I knew it wasn’t that, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t really special. It was the first time either of us?—’

He broke off and for a moment no one said anything, as he added water and milk to the mugs and took out the teabags, before turning back towards them and setting the cups on the table. ‘God, I’m sorry, you really don’t want to hear that part of the story, do you, Hope?’

‘Actually, I’d like to hear as much as you want to tell me.’

‘You probably know it all, already.’ Joe sat down at the table with them. ‘Laura was here on holiday, like us. She was with her family, but Danni and I had been brought here by one of our father’s friends. Dad had died by then, and our mother… let’s just say she wasn’t exactly hands-on after we lost him.’

‘Danni told me. I’m sorry.’ Hope meant it. She couldn’t imagine how she’d have felt if she’d lost either of her parents at such a young age, even though she knew the other one would have stepped up for their children, despite their own grief.

‘It was a struggle for both me and Danni, and coming back here without Dad was tough. Laura was a wonderful distraction, and we had so much fun. I just had no idea about you, and I wish I had.’

Hope wanted to say that she didn’t wish for that, but she knew it would sound far harsher than she intended it to. Instead, she tried to explain it in a different way. ‘I don’t think that would have been a good thing. You were both so young, and I couldn’t have asked for a better life than my mum and dad gave me.’

‘I’m so glad.’ Joe briefly placed a hand over hers, before removing it again. ‘But I’m also really glad you’re here now and that I finally know the truth.’

‘There’s a “but” you’re not adding to that sentence, isn’t there?’ Hope could see in his expression that she was right, long before he nodded. She was almost sure she knew the reason why, but she wanted to be certain it wasn’t something else. Something she hadn’t even factored into the equation. ‘I know it must be a huge shock, and I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted proof. After all, I’ve just turned up here out of the blue, but Laura told me there was only ever you.’

‘I’ve got no doubt that what Laura told you is true and I can see myself, Danni and our dad in some of your expressions. I don’t need proof. The only “but” is because I wish it hadn’t hurt Esther so much. It would still have been a huge shock, but if she didn’t want a baby so desperately, or if we already had a family, things would be different. I’d know for certain then that she’d eventually find a way to come to terms with me having had a child with Laura. I’m just so worried about her and I know Louie is right about giving her time, but I wish this hadn’t hurt her the way it has.’ Joe sighed so deeply, it left Hope feeling breathless too. ‘God, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be saying any of this to you, but I know I couldn’t pull the wool over your eyes even if I wanted to. You’re far too insightful.’

‘Esther being hurt by this was exactly what I was afraid of when I first discovered she was your wife. It was why a big part of me thought it would be better never to say anything.’ Right now, that same big part of Hope was wishing she’d kept her mouth shut altogether and that Danni had never overheard her conversation with Louie, but there was no going back now.

‘I wouldn’t want that.’ Joe shook his head. ‘I meant it when I said I couldn’t have asked for more, but what if I’ve got this incredible gift and Esther never gets to experience anything like it? She’s longing for a baby, we both are, but I already have a child. I don’t know how to help her through this. I don’t even know what I’d advise someone else to do if they came to me. I’m trained in psychiatry, psychology and counselling, and yet I’ve still got no idea what I’m going to do or say to support Esther when she walks back through that door.’

He looked at Louie then, who shook his head. ‘Sometimes all the theories in the world can’t help. You might just have to let her take the lead.’

‘I think she already has, and until she’s had enough time and space to process things and work out what she wants, seeing me is the last thing she needs.’ Hope’s voice was surprisingly steady, despite her stomach roiling like she was on a rollercoaster. She was about to say something she was almost certain wasn’t true, but she had to say it for Esther’s sake and Joe’s too. Hope couldn’t let him feel he had to make a choice between her and Esther. She’d never wanted to make their lives more difficult or painful than the infertility already had. Hope couldn’t take the revelation of her existence back, but she could take a huge step away, even if she didn’t really want to. ‘All I needed was the chance to meet with you once and if that’s all it can be, I’m okay with that.’

‘Oh Hope, no, I don’t want?—’

She cut him off. ‘Right now, this can’t be about what either of us might want, it has to be about what Esther needs. There’ll be time for the rest later… maybe. We know where to find each other now, but I think the best thing I can do is to step away and for you to give Esther the one thing she’s requested, a bit more time. It’s not much to ask for, is it?’

‘No, it isn’t,’ Joe agreed, but his mouth was turned down at the corners and Hope already felt like crying at the thought of saying goodbye, in case it was far more final than she wanted it to be. Maybe they could hold off on doing that for a little bit longer, but she knew she couldn’t stay beyond the half an hour Esther had said she’d be gone for.