Page 38 of The Midwife By the Sea

‘I don’t want to be here when Esther feels ready to come back – she shouldn’t have to wait around somewhere because she feels she can’t come home. So as soon as we’ve drunk this tea, Louie and I are going to go, but maybe you can tell me a little bit more about your life while we’ve got this chance to talk?’

‘I’d rather hear more about yours.’ Joe met her gaze and she couldn’t help wondering if he knew what she was thinking; that this might be their one and only opportunity to say what needed to be said.

‘How about we take turns? I’ll tell you something about my life and you tell me something about yours in exchange.’ It sounded a bit like the advice Hope had been given the one and only time she’d been to a ‘speed dating’ job fayre, when she was still at university, where recruiters and potential candidates had a three-minute window to chat before moving on to the next person. The event organiser had advised candidates to find out as much as they could in the three-minute window they were given and to convey as much as possible about themselves, because it might be their only chance to make a good impression and decide whether or not the employer was a good fit for them. If the time it took to drink this tea was all she was going to get with Joe, they both needed to make it count.

‘Okay,’ he agreed, suddenly smiling. ‘Well, I should probably start by telling you that it took me four tries to pass my driving test and I spent almost as much money replacing wing mirrors on my first car as I did on filling it up with petrol. So if you’ve got terrible spatial awareness, that probably comes from me.’

She laughed then for the first time since arriving and it broke the tension. The next fifteen minutes passed all too quickly, and she found herself wanting to slow down time and make that one cup of tea last all day, but she knew she had to leave. Joe needed to be there for Esther, and it was up to her to make sure he had the space to do that. When she’d taken the final sip and set her cup down on the table, she knew their time was up.

‘Thank you so much for the tea and for your honesty about all the things I might have inherited. I particularly look forward to discovering whether I find myself being able to predict an approaching storm by the time I hit forty.’ She laughed again, thinking how easy it would be to form a close bond with Joe if things were different. His stories had been full of self-deprecating humour, including that fact that once he got to forty, he’d developed an ache in his elbow that allowed him to predict when it was going to rain.

‘And thank you for giving me some more insight into your life with your family.’ Joe got to his feet to join Hope, finally holding his arms out towards her and going in for that hug, which no longer felt anywhere near as awkward as it would have done when she’d first arrived. They’d squeezed every second out of the short time they’d had together, and she already felt she knew him far better as a result. ‘You really are a miraculous girl and, I know I’ve got no right to say this, but I’m so glad you were raised in a loving family like the Mastersons’. It makes it far easier to live with the fact that I wasn’t there for my daughter, and they’ve done an amazing job, probably far better than I ever would have done, especially back then.’

‘Thank you.’ Hope nodded, stepping back from him as what felt like a hundred conflicting emotions swirled around her head. She wasn’t his daughter, not really, and yet in one undisputable way she was. His words meant a lot to her, but she couldn’t acknowledge that, otherwise she’d find it far harder to walk away. Instead, it was her turn to paint on a smile the way Esther had tried so hard to do and say just enough to give them closure, if it turned out that’s what they needed. ‘Despite everything that’s happened, I’m really glad I got the chance to get to know you a little bit better, without having to hide who I am.’

‘Don’t say that, like this is the end.’ He furrowed his brow, a troubled look in his eyes. ‘It’s just giving Esther some time, like you said, not a last goodbye.’

‘That’s not what I meant.’ Even as the words came out, Hope doubted they were true, because it did feel like the end. It was why she allowed herself to be folded into his arms for a second time and hugged him tightly in return, wanting to remember how that felt. In case it was the last hug they ever exchanged.

‘I’ll see you soon then,’ Joe said as she pulled away and she forced herself to nod, even though the action made her neck feel stiff.

‘See you soon.’ Hope headed towards the door, as Joe and Louie said their goodbyes, taking huge gulps of air when she finally got outside, and yet somehow, still feeling breathless as she continued down the path.

‘You handled that so well.’ Louie had to jog down the path to catch up with her, placing a hand on her arm.

‘Stepping away was the right thing to do.’ Her words sounded as hollow as the feeling that had settled in her chest, but if Louie picked up on her tone, he didn’t say so.

‘For now, I think you’re right, but it won’t be forever.’

‘No.’ She closed her eyes then, not wanting him to spot the lie they might reveal, or allow the chance for a tear to escape.

She’d seen just how torn Joe was, by the way this was affecting Esther and his desire to do the right thing by Hope. Despite all their talk of time being all that was needed, she knew there was a good chance that might not be true. St Piran’s was like being in a goldfish bowl and the chances of not bumping into Esther or Joe while they waited for things to settle down were very small. It wasn’t just Esther who would struggle with that, Hope was pretty sure Joe would too, and she knew for certain that she would. If she saw Joe around the hospital, she’d want to talk to him and the same went for Esther and Danni.

She’d liked their company long before she’d revealed her secret and it would be almost impossible to keep her distance while they all lived within a couple of miles of each other and worked in the same place. That meant she had every intention of stepping away, not just from Joe and Esther, but life in Cornwall too. All Esther had asked for was time, but Hope was going to give her space, to give them all space, which meant she’d be leaving Port Agnes as soon as she possibly could.

‘I’m sorry, I can’t let you go.’ Jess’s tone was firm and Hope squirmed in her seat. She hated the idea of leaving the team in the lurch, and she could tell from the expression on Jess’s face that she wasn’t taking the news well. Hope had told Jess everything that had happened, because she needed her to understand why she had to go straight away. If her plight had moved Jess, she wasn’t given any indication of it. So Hope had to hammer the point home.

‘As a Band 5, I know I’m supposed to give eight weeks’ notice, but if there’s anything you can do to allow me to go earlier, I’d be really grateful. I wouldn’t ask, but the longer I’m here the harder it will be for Esther, and I know she’s a friend of yours.’ If it was manipulative to say that, she didn’t care. She wasn’t doing this for her own benefit. It was all for Esther, because the truth was she really didn’t want to leave. She loved her job and the split between the hospital and the midwifery unit, but she really couldn’t see any other way forward.

‘She is a friend of mine and she’d hate the idea that I’m losing an excellent midwife because of what’s happened. She’d also hate the idea that she’s the reason you’re leaving a job you’re not just brilliant at, but that you really enjoy too. Don’t tell me that’s not true.’

‘It is true. I do love the job and the team, but Esther asked for time and how can she get what she needs if I’m hanging around, reminding her every time she sees my face?’

‘I get that.’ Jess’s tone softened for the first time since Hope had said she wanted to leave. ‘But I think there’s another solution.’

‘There is?’ Hope raised her eyebrows, not wanting to allow herself to believe that might be true, only to have the chance of staying dashed.

‘I’ll need to confirm it with Anna first, but I’m certain we can arrange it so that you work solely in the community from now on. At least until you feel ready to go back to the hospital again.’ Jess leant forward in her seat, on the opposite side of the desk from where Hope was sitting. ‘The chances of you coming into direct contact with Esther, or Joe, if you’re working solely in the community are next to zero. And I can get someone else from the team to help out at the infertility support group, although I’ll be very surprised if Esther wants to attend at the moment.’

‘It’s not that I don’t want to stay, I really do, but I’ll still be in Port Agnes, less than two miles from where Esther and Joe are living.’

‘I understand that, but I think we should at least give this a try.’ Jess rubbed at her temples. ‘Look, if you really want to leave, I’m not going to force you to work out your notice, because I can only imagine how hard all of this is. But we really, really, really don’t want to lose you, and you’ve already said you don’t want to go. How about I informally accept this as notice of your intention to leave and, if after four weeks, you don’t think the new arrangement is working, you can go, without having to work further notice.’

‘Can you do that? How will you manage?’ Hope desperately wanted to accept the compromise, because she hadn’t realised just how much she wanted to stay until she’d told Jess that she intended to leave.

‘I’ll use midwives from NHS Professionals if it comes to it, but for now, Matilda, the midwife who’s due to join us on Monday, has said she’s happy to work solely at the hospital. She can cover your half post there, and you can cover hers in the community.’ Jess smiled for the first time. ‘It’s all sorted and I know Anna will be more than happy to agree to it, rather than lose you. So all you’ve got to do is say yes.’

Hope pressed her lips together, trying to clear her mind for long enough to think straight, but it was no good, there were just too many thoughts racing through her brain. All she could do was to go with her gut instead and hope she made the right choice. ‘Yes, please. I’d really like that.’