Page 81 of To Have & To Hold

“I care for you because I love you!”

Emilia felt as though her heart were racing and standing still at the same time. The room disappeared around her, and all she could see was Nathaniel’s wild eyes locked on hers and the pounding of his heart against his throat.

“What?” She whispered. Emilia sat back fully on the desk, no longer trusting her knees to hold her weight.

“I love you, Emilia,” Nathaniel breathed, taking a step towards her. “I believe I may have loved you since the moment I pulled you from the Thames.”

Each word came out faster than the one before, as though the weight of holding them back for so long pushed them out with force. Emilia’s knuckles turned white as she gripped the edge of the desk. Nathaniel continued to come closer until he stood directly in front of her.

“I said nothing, because I did not want you to feel you had to respond if you did not return my feelings. But I have been waiting…” Nathaniel placed his hands on top of the desk on either side of hers. He was close enough that Emilia could see every emotion burning in his eyes.

“…in agony, I have been waiting for you to notice the depths of my affections.”

Emilia opened her mouth to speak, but was unable to form any words.

Her husband was in love with her. Nothing in the world mattered beyond that one, beautiful and dizzying thought.

She must have stayed silent for too long, because Nathaniel’s head hung low as he dropped his arms and took a step back.

“I suppose I am angry,” he whispered at the ground. “I am angry at myself. For earlier, in the drawing room, I allowed myself to believe that you were going to tell me…” His words faded, but a tear trailed down his face.

“That I love you?” Emilia finally found her voice.

Nathaniel didn’t answer, but he didn’t have to. She could see it reflected in the tears in his eyes. The pain he felt wasn’t from the secret she had kept, but from believing he had given his heart to someone who did not wish for it.

“I wanted to,” Emilia said. “I was going to.”

Nathaniel looked up at her again. The tiny flicker of hope she saw in him emboldened her to go on.

“But I knew I had to tell you the truth first. I could not offer you my heart until you saw every broken piece of it.”

Nathaniel leaned forward until only inches separated them. He moved slowly, his eyes roaming her face, as though he was looking for any sign that she did not mean what she had said.

His hands rose to cradle her face, and he lowered his head until his nose brushed against hers.

“You love me?” He asked, his voice thick with tears.

Emilia swallowed every desire to declare her feelings and throw herself fully into arms.

“Nathaniel, there is something you must know….”

“Emilia, please,” Nathaniel pleaded. “I can endure whatever you have to tell me,” he said, drawing her even closer to him, until she could feel his breath against her lips. “But first, I need to hear you say it.”

Every fear and uncertainty dissolved beneath the sure strength of his touch. Emilia leaned back just enough so that she could look him in the eye.

“Nathaniel, I love you.” The tears came fast despite the smile pulling on her lips. “I love you so completely, it is hard to believe there was ever a time my heart did not belong to you.”

Before she could speak another word, his lips were on hers. His hands remained against her cheeks as though he feared she might disappear if he let go.

When he had kissed her on the river, there was a controlled reverence in his movements. She could sense the restraint in every touch, as if the moment had been nothing but a dream that would have been easily shattered by a single misstep.

There was no such control in this moment. The walls they had both carefully constructed with the fears and pain of their pasts had come crumbling down, and the only thing that stoodbetween them now were their declarations of love still echoing in the quiet, night air.

Emilia reached for him, her fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt as she tried to pull him even closer. Nathaniel nearly lost his balance as his knees bumped against the desk. He broke their kiss as he laughed against her lips.

His hands dropped from her face. He wrapped one arm around her waist, leaning his other hand on the surface of the desk to steady them both.

He lowered his head, smiling as he kissed her again. Emilia melted against his chest, their hearts relentlessly pounding in sync. When Nathaniel eventually pulled away again, it was only to rest his forehead against hers.