Page 82 of To Have & To Hold

Neither of them dared to speak a word. Emilia wished she could live in this moment forever. She wrapped her arms securely around Nathaniel’s waist, steadying herself against him as she drew in a shaky breath.

“Nathaniel…”

Nathaniel hummed in acknowledgment, making no move to lift his head from hers.

“The man my uncle wished for me to marry…Mr Clarkson….” Emilia paused, giving Nathaniel a moment to respond, but he stayed silent.

“He did not disappear,” she continued.

She felt Nathaniel tense as his body braced itself against what was coming next.

“He is dead.”

Slowly, Nathaniel leaned back; his face was unreadable. He let go of Emilia’s waist to grab the chair he had shoved aside earlier. He took her hands in his, guiding her to sit before taking her place perched on the edge of his desk.

Emilia’s heart raced as he leaned forward until his eyes were level with hers.

“Tell me what happened,” he said, wrapping both of her hands in his.

The room began to spin as the memories resurfaced, but Emilia remained anchored in the calm strength she found in Nathaniel’s eyes.

“Everything I told you about my courtship was true. My uncle believed that Mr. Clarkson had family connections that would aid him in a business venture he was hoping to pursue, and arranged a match between us. As things progressed, Mr. Clarkson became increasingly cruel. I am unsure whether it was my uncle’s influence, or merely hidden parts of his character brought to light, but I knew I could not marry him. He never struck me, but the words he spoke often stung just as deeply.”

Nathaniel’s jaw tensed but he did not interrupt her.

“He and my uncle had a falling out days before our marriage contract was to be signed. He was angry and said my uncle had stolen from him—that I was promised to him. Heplanned to force my uncle’s hand and leave him with no honorable choice but to consent to the marriage.”

Nathaniel’s eyes darkened and his hold on her hands tightened slightly.

“He threatened you?”

Emilia shook her head, “I knew what his intentions were.”

While the Moorfields held no affection or loyalty towards Emilia, their household staff had been fiercely protective of her. Emilia dared not imagine what might have become of her if her uncle’s housekeeper had not warned her of Mr. Clarkson’s attempts to buy himself entrance into the house under the cover of darkness.

“I was terrified,” Emilia admitted. Nathaniel nodded, encouraging her to go on. “I knew it was a mistake, but I wrote to Alexander. He was preparing to depart for Spain when he received my letter, but instead he came to London. He had just received a large portion of prize money and used a considerable sum of it to bribe one of the midshipmen to forge his name upon the manifest when it sailed.”

Emilia closed her eyes, but she could still see the events of that morning unfold before her like a haunting nightmare.

“He arrived at our uncle’s home, in the wee hours of the morning, and was covered in blood. He told me Mr. Clarkson was still alive, that he had only meant to scare him, and he convinced me to leave with him.” Emilia’s voice caught.

“I had no other choice,” she choked out. “If my uncle found out what Alexander had done, and that I had written to him…“ her voice broke.

“He had a small boat hidden near Blackfriars Bridge, and told me to wait for him there. That is when Mr. Clarkson appeared.”

Nathaniel’s eyes closed only for a moment, and a shuddering breath escaped his lips.

“Once he had come to, he went looking for Alexander, and saw us leaving our uncle’s home and followed us. He approached me, and I told him to leave.” Emilia’s hands began to shake, but Nathaniel only held them tighter. “He came towards me, and I had nowhere to run. He was weak and injured, and I pushed him away. He stumbled and fell over the side of the bridge and into the water.”

Nathaniel’s eyes widened and she saw the moment the pieces of what he had seen and heard that morning slowly fell into place.

“Alexander came running,” Emilia pressed on, tears burning in her eyes. “I was leaning over the edge of the bridge, waiting for Mr. Clarkson to surface, but he never did.”

The moment that had followed had been nothing but a blur as they unfolded, but looking back on them now Emilia could see each one with starling clarity. She could still hear her crying pleas to Alexander to jump in and save him. She couldsee the look in her brother’s eye as he said there was nothing to be done.

He had told her over, and over that it was not her fault—he was the one that had attacked Mr. Clarkson, and his injuries had been too great to fight against the river's current. She could feel Alexander’s trembling hand covering hers as he attempted to drag her down the river steps towards his boat.

“I saw you through the fog.” Emilia’s throat was raw. “You were on the other side of the bridge, but were coming closer. All I could think of is what would happen if we were seen, if Alexander was seen, if Mr. Clarkson was found…”