Page 63 of To Have & To Hold

“It is half past three.” he admitted sheepishly.

“In the morning?”

Nathaniel nodded. “I wish to show you something, but we must go before the sunrise.”

He could see a war waging behind her eyes. He held his breath as he waited, hoping beyond hope that her curiosity, and trust in him would win out.

She nodded slowly. Nathaniel stood, taking a step back from the edge of her bed to give her a more comfortable amount of space.

“I will allow you to dress. Wear something simple if you have it.”

He stepped from the room, but left his candle sitting on the table beside her bed to give her light. He leaned against the wall, letting the dark quiet of the early morning envelop him and the deafening pounding of his heart.

He knew there was no real risk in exposing his secrets to Emilia. He trusted her completely to keep them, but even she didn’t, it was not as though there was anything inconceivably scandalous about being on a boat out in the water. But it was the only part of him that wasn’t on full display for London Society to scrutinize and pass their silent judgments.

By sharing this one small part of him with Emilia, he was opening himself up to share so much more with her—his fears and insecurities, the dreams he had lost and the ones he held on to still, his past and his future. He wasn’t sure how ithappened, but he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wanted her to be a part of it all.

The door to Emilia’s chambers opened, and she stepped out, carrying the soft, glowing candle with her. The golden light that flooded the hall was nothing compared to the radiance possessed.

She gave him a shy smile. “Is this acceptable?” She gestured to her simple blue muslin dress. Her hair was twisted into a haphazard knot at the top of her head, and Nathaniel knew it wouldn’t be long before the already protesting curls fought their way free.

He nodded. “Perfectly acceptable.”

They snuck through the kitchen, and Emilia hesitated for only a moment before taking Nathaniel’s outstretched hand as he led them out the door. The sky was still dark, and the town was silent. The only sound to be heard was the fall of their footsteps against the cobblestone streets.

Nathaniel slowed his pace. It was no more than half an hour's walk to the small private boathouse, but he did not wish to tire Emilia. He also wanted to ensure that he had enough time to memorize the feel of her hand in his, and the brush of her shoulder against his coat as she leaned in closer to him with every step.

They reached the landing at Whitehall far too quickly. Nathaniel kept Emilia close as they descended the river stairstowards the small boat, already waiting in the water, just as Nathaniel had instructed.

“Nathaniel…” Emilia finally broke her silence, and her grip on his hand tightened. “What are we doing out here?”

Nathaniel stopped and turned to face her. She stood one step behind him, putting her eyes directly across from his. She searched his face, and for the first time Nathaniel did not feel the need to shield her from what she might find.

“I wish to share my secret,” he said, and her eyes immediately widened in surprise.

“It is nothing shocking, I assure you,” he laughed. The sound seemed to stir up the stillness of the moment, and a soft breeze blew over them from the surface of the Thames. Nathaniel reached up to gently tuck a stray curl behind Emilia’s ear.

“I told you that I have always held a fascination for the sea, and as hard as I have tried I can not stop being drawn to the water. After inheriting the Kenswick title, I began rowing just to relieve the pressure, but it became something I craved. When I am on the water, I am nothing but a man with two oars. The river does not know who I am, or have any expectations.

I do not hide this part of my life because I am ashamed of it, I hide it because it was the only thing I ever had that was truly mine; something that no one else could claim, or judge.

The strength and endurance I have built over the years is the only thing I feel I have ever truly earned. It is something noone can ever take from me. But I no longer want to keep it to myself.

I said I wanted a real marriage, and that is the truth Emilia. But more than anything, I want you to feel as though you are safe with me. I thought perhaps, if I entrusted you with the one thing that has only ever been mine, perhaps you could come to trust me as well.”

Emilia’s eyes were shining with tears as she silently took in every word. Nathaniel wished he could pull every thought from her mind, but he knew how much sweeter it would be once she fully trusted him enough to share her heart with him.

Nathaniel extended his hand to her once more, and she looked at him with a curious scrunch of her brow. “Do you actually mean to take me out on the water?”

“It is perfectly safe,” he replied. “And if it is not, I believe I have proven myself perfectly capable of swimming us both safely to shore.”

He was rewarded with the sound of sweet laughter as she clasped his hand and followed him to the where the boathouse master had tied the skiff.

Nathaniel settled Emilia onto the cushion that was meant to act as a barrier between her and the damp floor of the boat. He released the rope and lowered himself onto the bench and picked up the oars.

Emilia was facing him, but her eyes remained fixed on the river. The full moon reflected off of the still surface ofthe water, wrapping her in its silver glow. He could spend the rest of his life basking in her beauty, but he forced his eyes to focus on his task.

“I was running away.” Emilia’s voice was barely more than a whisper.