Page 66 of Tangled Control

* * *

How I wish I had that safe embrace now, back in my apartment, as the phone rings.

“So?” Mum’s tone is clipped.

“Yes, Ma,” I answer as evenly as possible while my fingers turn white clutching my phone.

“What’s going on?”

Despite having rehearsed this conversation over and over all afternoon, I’m unable to come up with an answer.

“Are you dating him?”

I swallow past the lump in my throat. “Yes.”

“Catriona, you lied to me. You made me believe he was treating you badly, I gave you all my support, and then, behind my back, you start seeing him?”

Guilt flushes my skin, but I try to tamp it down.

“Only very recently. And I didn’t like him to begin with,” I say defensively, but it comes out weakly.

“And you think he’ll stay with you?” My hesitation makes her continue with renewed force. “Men like him eat girls like you for breakfast! Whenever he’s lost interest in you, he’ll move on to the next one and you’ll be left picking up the pieces.”

“Maybe it won’t last, maybe he’ll move on.”Or marry Alexandra.“But he makes me feel good, and that’s worth a little heartache, don’t you think?”

“You don’t know the first thing about heartache, how it will paralyse and debilitate you. You do not want to do this, Catriona!” Mum’s voice raises with every word, making me raise my own.

“I can’t not take chances just because I might get hurt. That’s not living, Ma. That’s being a coward.”

“Catriona, of all people, you should know that you don’t want to do this! You don’t want to date your boss! You know what I went through!”

“At least my boss isn’t married!”

There’s a gasp on the other end of the phone. God, what did I just say? Never, in my whole life, have I condemned my mother for being with a married man. She was only nineteen at the time, while my father – the married one – was thirty-four. All blame is on him. What I wouldn’t do to take the words back!

“Ma, I’m so sorry…”

“He’s not married? Is that your excuse?” Her voice has venom in it that has never been directed at me before. “Whatabout this Calla woman? Haven’t you told me that Rian is as good as engaged to her?”

I clench my jaw, trying to stop myself from screaming in frustration. “That – that’s different…”

“Wake up, Catriona!”

“I can’t live my life based on your mistakes, Ma! I have to make my own!”

I hang up and throw my phone onto the sofa. Angry tears burn my cheeks. I’ve never hung up on my mother, not even during my rebellious teenage period. It doesn’t feel good. This whole situation has left an awful taste in my mouth. The ugly things we said… I’ve always had my mother’s support. And now I’ve betrayed it. I’ve disappointed her. But in some way, she also disappointed me.

Already in my running gear, I grab my keys and head out. But the salty mist on the Fairview along Dublin Bay doesn’t soothe my mood or the growing unease in my stomach. My phone shows no messages or missed calls when I return forty minutes later. I squeeze my eyes shut and bite my lip to hold back the tears. Mum is my best friend. I can’t lose her. Not over afeckingman. I open the messaging app.

I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you. Please forgive me.

I hold the phone, waiting, waiting.

The phone chimes.

Catriona, you could never disappoint me. I’m just worried about you and I’m overprotective. I’m your mum, I can’t help it.

A lump forms in my throat. I hesitate, then send another message.