Page 34 of A Quiet Affection

She stepped up towards him but felt some awkwardness as she knew he must be even more insistent now that she was fifteen about maintaining proprieties. Embracing him would not be terribly proper. The growth of Elizabeth’s bosom that had occurred over the past months made evenElizabeththink that there was something to his notion that she was becoming a woman, and that they must therefore behave differently together.

However,hecrossed that boundary, and gave her a brief hug, and a kiss on her forehead. “I am glad to see you. I have missed you terribly as well.”

“You see how perfectly warm it is. And that blanket is quite thick. I am perfectly healthy.”

He took her hand. “How is he? Prepare me. How does his illness progress?”

“He wishes to present himself as unchanged,” Elizabeth replied. “But you can hear it in the voice. It is weaker every week. And he sits far more often. I have heard it remarked how much thinner his face is. He does not eat a great deal.”

“Oh, God.” That pained voice.

“Fitzwilliam.” Elizabeth stepped forward to embrace him. “You must feel—”

He stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. “Later. Later. I cannot cry yet. Not before I see him. I must stiffen myself. You know how he hates to see any emotion in those around him.”

“I will wait here,” Elizabeth said, “until you have spoken with him. Then you can relieve your emotions freely.”

“Oh, God. Oh, God. Like Mama. But at least I shall see him.” A pause. Fitzwilliam took several deep breaths. “I am well. I will be well enough to see him and speak with him. But Lizzy, promiseyou will not remain out here if the weather becomes poor. There are some clouds in the east, and I do not know how long he will keep me.”

“Go, do not worry, you’ll find me well enough if I must retreat indoors.”

Fitzwilliam did not move. Elizabeth blindly reached towards him and found his wrist. She squeezed his arm. “You wish to see him. Store up your memories. I have confidence in you. And you’ll make him proud.”

“I never make him proud,” Fitzwilliam replied. “But I shall do what I can.” He then embraced her again, more tightly, and then with a convulsive movement pulled away, and quickly marched himself to the back entrance to the house.

Elizabeth returned to the swing.

Though she ached with sympathy for Fitzwilliam and the awfulness of what he must be feeling at present, she could not help but feel happy that he was back. The world seemed a decidedly better place with him here. At least she would not be abandoned by all those who understood her, and who she could freely speak her heart to once Georgiana was gone. Further, Elizabeth felt no small resentment towards Mr. Darcy on behalf of Fitzwilliam.

There was a period lasting perhaps longer than an hour before Fitzwilliam returned outside. The clouds had blocked the sun, and the air was chillier and there were occasional sharp gusts of wind, but Elizabeth still felt pleasant enough once she had folded and wrapped the blanket around herself more tightly.

He came out and sat next to her. “Oh, Lizzy! Even with how you prepared me, it was such a shock to see him. I hope I kept it from my face. I made every effort. He is so wasted, so changed from June. One can scarce recognize him. He speaks of time, ofhopes for months more, I hardly know if I believe it—I believe he meant to die without me seeing him again. But though he wishes to make it easier for him, I must be here. I must.”

“I know.”

“He was angry that I returned without delay—I had not been in St. Petersburg for two days when the letter reached me, and I took ship the day after. I could scarce convince Bingley to remain, even though he was having a grand time until the news reached us. How could I do anything else? How could he expect me to revel with Russian princes while he isdying?”

“I know.”

“He must wish for me to be here. He must. Yes, he must. And there is so much he busies himself with. So many burdens I can take upon myself. He can give himself liberty to enjoy what time he has left.”

“You know that his work upon the estate and at business is what he loves to do. He does not want any burden that he can bear taken from his shoulders. You are like him in that way.”

“You are right. Oh, but Lord, I wish I could do something. It was so hard to keep my face. You are right, his voice, it is so much less than what it was. The boom, the vibrancy, the depth. All gone. He is wasting away, half—”

And then Fitzwilliam turned to her, and he sobbed for some minutes into her shoulder, while Elizabeth held him, much like she would hold Georgiana when she cried at night from a nightmare or unhappiness about being sent away to school. But the great size of his frame made the experience wholly different.

Afterwards, Fitzwilliam sat himself up and rustled in his pocket for what Elizabeth thought must be a handkerchief. He sniffled and blew and said, “Lizzy, I can cry with you. Jove, in front ofanyone else, it would be impossible. Even alone, I think. I looked forward to seeing you, the whole way sailing back. I knew I would feel more comfortable when I saw you. And now I shall try to take what advice you would always give, by your example more than your words, and seek to be as cheerful as I can be. Papa does as well.”

Elizabeth was touched by this speech.

Fitzwilliam took several deep breaths. In and out. In and out. “And felicitations upon your birthday. There is a present for you that I purchased in Denmark that shall come in a day or two with my trunks.”

“Oh, and what is it?”

“No, no.” There was now a smile in Fitzwilliam’s voice. “It is to be a surprise—you look very well, Lizzy. You are much grown since the summer.”

This made the girl blush. But Elizabeth did not treatthatwith any seriousness. Some part of her was quite afraid of what she might begin to think if she did.