Page 21 of A Quiet Affection

“Lizzy!” Jane pushed a chair back. Its legs scraped loudly against the wooden floor. She approached Elizabeth with light footsteps.

Elizabeth clenched her fists together.

She thought about Fitzwilliam’s words:I always have the highest confidence in you.

Elizabeth spoke in a very fast voice. “I don’t hate you. I don’t. I shouldn’t have said that. I apologize. I shouldn’t have. I don’t.”

Elizabeth trembled as she stood in the midst of the room. Her breaths came rapidly. And then Jane threw her arms around Elizabeth and hugged her tightly.

The conversation which followed involved many tears, many explanations, a great deal of reminiscences, always followed by more tears.

Jane explained to Elizabeth how she had believed that Elizabeth must hate her and that she had blamed herself for what happened because she had not been honest in her last letter to home before the fire. Elizabeth told Jane about how many times she’d heard people saying that Jane would have been better off if she had died.

Elizabeth told Jane the story of the night of the fire, as she remembered it, and what it had been like while she was full of the fever and expected to die.

Jane sobbed to hear that, and told Elizabeth that she was so very, very happy that Lizzy had lived.

I wish I might say that after this the closeness between the sisters was greater than ever before, that they both were wholly happy with their connection, and that no unhappiness, cause for distress, or frustrations existed betwixt them.

This is nearly how it felt for Miss Bennet.Shewas happy to have her sister truly returned to her, and that there was a member of her family alive, and that she was not alone, for she had felt quite alone since Elizabeth had come to Pemberley.

But Elizabeth had changed so much, and the anger at Jane had been allowed to sit inside her for a long time. She could no longer see Jane as the dearest sister in the world. Shecertainlycould not tell Jane everything that was in her mind. And she knew that Jane pitied her, and saw her as a burden, and she did not like that.

This was established for Elizabeth when Jane said to her, “You need not ever worry about the future, no matter how much of a burden it is to care for you, I shall be happy to bear it.”

This speech, naturally, did not please Elizabeth, though the two sisters were in such a mood when Jane said it, that it was impossible for Elizabeth to feel the proper offence that had been natural to her of late. Instead, she said, “No, no, I shall not be a burden. You see that I am not so difficult to have about, and what money I have shall defray any additional expenses. We equally have the fortune from our parents; it is you who shall be a burden onme. There is no reason to be unhappy about my presence.”

“Dear, dear Lizzy,” Jane replied. “If you prefer to think about it in such a way, I shall not argue.”

“I mean it. I am not so difficult, and I will not be. If you do not wish my presence, I will go elsewhere.”

“I am well ready to always have you about,” Jane replied. “No, do not be angry. Please, I do not wish you to be angry. I merely wish to say that you need not worry. You need not be scared of causing difficulties for me—Mr. Darcy always tells you to fear that. But do not worry.Ido not care. You may cause however many difficulties, and you will still be my sister who I love to care for.”

“I would rather be the one who cares for you,” Elizabeth replied. “And I hate this notion that I am useless. I can be useful. Being blind does not make a body useless.”

Jane did not reply, as she had been made accustomed to thinking of Lizzy as useless in all important respects due to her infirmity, and she had made a solemn determination to never again tell a small lie for the purpose of making others happy. The sense that having done so had caused the deaths of her family had not yet abandoned her.

“I will not be useless—I will be like Henry Fielding’s brother, or that professor Mr. Darcy spoke about, or Milton, or…or Homer. A loss of sight does not make a person useless.”

“But Lizzy,” Jane replied reasonably and sweetly, “those are all men. They had duties in the world to pursue. But youareuseful in the way that a woman should be; it makes me happy to see you happy, and happy to converse with you.”

This replycertainlydid not please Elizabeth, but as her chief distaste with it did not point towardsJanebut rather the arrangement of the world, it led to no further argument. Perhaps it would have been better if ithadcaused argument, for often it is through dispute that people become closer to each other. At least it allows them to understand one another.

That is, of course, when argument does not push them apart.

From this point Elizabeth had vague notions swirl about in her head of one day performing music for public crowds or earning additional money by composing books of poetry and saying clever things upon command like Priscilla Pointon had despiteherblindness. Something that while not respectable would beusefulby increasing the income of the house. These ideas, she was sure, were the sort of thing that Mr. Darcy would despise, since they would not add to his consequence, or increase the luster of Jane’s beauty.

That summer when Fitzwilliam Darcy returned to Pemberley, he was greeted most enthusiastically by Georgiana and Lizzy. After Georgiana hugged him, to his surprise, Lizzy also awkwardly threw her arms around him when he stepped near her for the greeting. The awkwardness was because she’d clearly guessed that he stood about three inches to the side of where he was.

She said, “There, if Georgiana shall hug you, I will too. We have decided that we are like sisters, you know.”

Darcy did know, as both girls had informed him of this in their letters to him.

In addition to his happiness at seeing the closeness between his sister and Lizzy—a connection that he believed was greatly to the benefit of both of them, as any close friendshipoughtto be—he was also pleased to see that the relations between Jane and Lizzy were almost what ought to subsist between two sisters.

Only almost.

Darcy knew Lizzy well enough to see that she had reserve and occasional cautiousness when she was in conversation with her sister.