Page 22 of A Quiet Affection

As for whether there was any similar feeling on Jane’s part towards her sister, Darcy could not tell. He did not know Jane particularly well, and most of Jane’s time was monopolized by George Wickham.

Darcy’s cousin Richard Fitzwilliam spent three weeks that summer with them, enjoying the last of his leave before he shipped off to India.

It made Darcy happy to see the kindness which his cousin showed Lizzy.

Though he did not consciously realize it, how he saw people treat Lizzy was becoming a chief part of Darcy’s judgement of their character—the half-hidden contempt with which George Wickham treated her when he could do so without offending Jane was a chief reason that Darcy had begun to think ill of the character of his childhood friend.

Richard took Elizabeth seriously, told her stories about his military service, and said thathecertainly did not think that every man who was blinded was useless. He knew several very capable persons who had been blinded by cannon blasts and who had found—with the help of their friends, of course—useful professions in which their excellent memories and other abilities were put to good use.

The summer was particularly pleasant for Darcy, and he did not think he had felt so well at Pemberley since Mama had died. His father kept him around very often, and made him meet with the tenants, the neighbors, and all persons of importance round about. Papa spent a great deal of time riding about with him over their lands. He was made to memorize facts of importance about all of the fields, woods, and meadows owned by the family. He would be regularly quizzed to ensure that he had done his work to engrave this knowledge on his mind, and the expressionof disappointment on his father’s face when Darcy could not answer a question aright was terrible to behold. But when he was at home, there was enough time for him to let Lizzy and Georgiana drag him into their games.

Papa did not keep quite so busy with his studies as he always would before he’d gone to university. This was right. Darcy was leaving childhood behind and becoming a man. He must begin to depend upon himself to decide what was the most fitting and right use of his time and talents.

Occasionally Darcy helped Elizabeth climb to the lower limbs of trees.

When he’d spoken to Lizzy about her improved relations with her sister, Lizzy replied, “I hardly think I could have made myself apologize withoutyoutelling me that you believed I would. I could not bear to disappoint you.”

“You would have spoken to her no matter what,” he replied.

Lizzy shook her head. “I became so angry. At everything.Younever would think ill of a person without reason, or hold an unreasonable grudge, but I know that I can.”

“What matters is what you do with what you are given. Your feelings come from the animal substance that every man is composed of. What matters, Lizzy, what is of importance is that you can overcome them. You are not only body, but also spirit.”

“I don’t want to be a burden. I won’t be. I won’t be useless.”

“Elizabeth Bennet,” Darcy replied, rather surprised at hearing her suggest such a notion, “there are few people who are more useful creatures than you are. Simply focus upon being true to yourself.”

“And then I can be false to no man?” Lizzy replied, laughing.

As they had this conversation they were on the lawn, and she had taken off the ribbon over her face. She was lying on the grass and staring sightlessly up at the sun. Darcy observed the scars over her cheeks, with a raised line down her neck, and the mottling around her eyes. The scarring had settled and whitened out; it was enormously improved in appearance from when Darcy had retrieved her from Meryton nearly a year past. One eye had sunken in, while the other was still alive, but with a whitish cloudiness over the pupils.

“Simply act as your best instincts tell you that you ought,” Darcy said. “But if you need to know that you are useful,Idepend enormously upon your letters, and I worry far less about Georgiana to know that you are present, and that you are her friend. I think that the loneliness she would feel if she were alone with Papa would not be easy for her, or help to properly form her character.”

“Oh no, she is still shy by tendency, and Jane is too much older than her, and too…well, I do agree she has needed me.”

“Papa is a great man,” Darcy said contemplatively. “One of the greatest gentlemen about. But he is not easy. And he has no tolerance for the weaknesses of childhood.”

Elizabeth had heard enough of how Mr. Darcy spoke to Fitzwilliam and Georgiana to think that he expected far too much of his children.Shecould not say whether he was a particularly great man, but she was glad that he was merely her guardian, and not her father.

After a period of silence, the sun shining on Elizabeth’s face and body, warming her pleasantly, Elizabeth said, “Yes but…I ought todosomething of use. Not simply be a child who plays with another child. Jane thinks it absurd. But she also thinks I am useless.”

“I doubt that very much,” Darcy said. “She clearly feels strongly for you.”

“Jane is all goodness. Too much goodness. She likes the idea of sacrificing herself. The more useless I am, the greater the sacrifice. I think she would like it more if I was the greatest burden possible than if I was healed by miracle. I do not wish to be sacrificedfor. I wish to—I wish I could have an active life, to go about in the world, to do something of worth that does not require easy sight. You must be shocked by this notion. I know your father would hate it.”

“Papa has notions about what girls ought to do,” Darcy said, hoping that Lizzy could hear the smile in his voice. “But I repeat what I said already; be true to yourself.”

“It always amuses me how that line is often repeated as sensible advice, and yet in the play Polonius spoke ridiculously, and in the most hackneyed, everyday, and sententious manner.”

“It is a common everyday thing to say, because it is good advice.”

“No, it is useless advice, for you must determine what it means to be true to yourself before you can act upon it.” Elizabeth then frowned. “And what would you say if I wished became a singer upon the stage? The famed blind singer of Haymarket.”

Darcy laughed, “Quite shocking, and I do not believe that the stage is nearly so remunerative as you imagine. You already have more in your own fortune than can be easily earned in such a way. But if you determine that is what you must do to be true to yourself,Iwould be a hypocrite to tell you that you cannot.”

“I hardly know. Only I know that when I am of age, and we have finished our education, I shall not stay long with her. Not if she is determined to think me a burden. Not even though Jane will have married some worthy fellow—Lord, I hope it is notGeorge, I knowhewouldwish for that.”

That notion made Darcy laugh. “No, no, it could not be George. He will not be of an age to receive a living and marry until he is twenty-four. He could not marry until then. And besides,” Darcy shrugged. “I see no likelihood ofthat, no matter how much they hang about each othernow.”