Page 165 of With the Assist

Wesley

Ididn’t go to the hospital expecting forgiveness. I didn’t give myself time to have any expectations at all. I just went, letting myself follow the gut feeling that I needed to be at Nathan’s side. No plan. No clue what I wanted. Until I saw him, sitting in a hospital bed with his dark hair messy and his eyes locked on mine.

The emptiness that had been plaguing me for the past month dissolved in an instant. The sight of him with his guard down brought every single emotion I’ve been hiding from back to the forefront.

Relief came first, because he was awake and smiling. Then, there was the sharp stab of self-hatred after seeing how surprised he was to see me. As if my showing up for him had been the last thing he’d thought would happen.

I’d spent a month trying to convince myself that I’d made the right choice, despite how much it hurt. Apparently, while I never fully managed to convince myself, Nathan had believed it wholeheartedly. It didn’t sit right with me, especially after meeting his parents.

They’ve been telling him to be different for years, and then I came in and reaffirmed his self-doubt by not choosing him. Making Nathan believe that he wasn’t enough for me and that I wanted something else more than him was haunting me at every turn. Not only becauseit’s completely false, but also because he deserved someone to choose him without hesitation.I wanted to be that person.

That’s why I snapped at them, ranting on about how I loved him when I’d never even admitted it out loud.

We’ve both said it at this point, once in anger and once in desperation, but neither of those confessions held weight when they weren’t said with intent. Instead, they floated awkwardly between us, neither of us willing to lay it all out on the table for real.

I told Avery and Harper about my visit to the hospital. It was the exact reason why the three of us now sat around Avery’s couch watching some action movie, with bowls full of ice cream. I wasn’t being so strict about my diet plan these days, part of my attempt to maintain a healthy balance on and off the field.

“You look like you’re thinking about it again.” Harper pauses the movie, looking over at me.

She’s referring to the fact that I embarrassed myself, showing up to the hospital, just to be turned down.

Well, I hadn’t been turned down, but not quite forgiven either.

“I am,” I groan, sliding further down into Avery’s ridiculously oversized couch.

Avery’s apartment looks exactly like you’d expect a single, thriving, late twenties’ apartment to look like. It’s full of velvet textures and golden accents and a ridiculous neon sign over the bar cart that saysgood decisions later. There’s a faint citrus candle burning somewhere, and the smell of the Mexican takeout we’d ordered still lingers in the air.

“He hasn’t forgiven you yet? You made a stupid rash decision in the name of pursuing your dreams. That should get a free pass.” Avery takes another bite of her cookies and cream ice cream.

A stupid rash decision. Yeah, that about sums it up.

I narrow my eyes at her. “Tell me how you really feel.” The sarcasm rolls off my tongue.

“Oh, c’mon. We all know it was stupid.”

Harper snorts. “True.”

“Yeah. Yeah. I hate you both.”

They both watch me with expectant eyes.

“He forgave me, I think. It’s complicated.” I twirl the spoon deeper into my ice cream. “He says he understands, but that he doesn’t want to rush back into anything. Besides, it’s only been two days.”

“You two make things so much harder than they need to be.” Avery shakes her head.

“Then let’s talk about you,” I give her a smug look. “Who are you sleeping with?”

“No one.” The answer is far too quick.

“We’re supposed to believe that Avery Holt, self-proclaimed sex enthusiast, is celibate?”

Harper gives up on the movie, turning it completely off, as she smiles at Avery.

“Yes. Because I am.” The words are sure, but she doesn’t look at either of us.

“It’s not your ex, is it?” I press.

“No. Absolutely not. No chance in hell.” Now, she looks at us, a silent plea in her eyes. “Can we not talk about him? Please.”