Page 166 of With the Assist

Harper lets her off the hook. “Fine. We can talk about your mom coming to town in a couple of days.”

“Ugh. That’s just as bad. You know how that goes. It’ll be the Shonda show.” Avery rolls her eyes, taking a bite of her ice cream. “That’s why I told her I only have time for dinner.”

“We can grab drinks after so you can vent about it,” Harper offers.

I nod in agreement. They shift topics to the movie we’d given up trying to watch, but my phone dings, stealing my attention.

Nathan: How’s movie night?

I smile before I can stop myself.

Me: We ditched the movie. Girl talk.

Nathan: About what?

Me: As if I’d tell you.

We have been like this since the hospital, circling each other with half jokes and careful check-ins. No declarations.

“He’s afraid I’ll run again,” I say aloud, letting the smile slip from my lips. “He hasn’t said it, but he is.”

“Will you?” There is no judgment in Harper’s question.

“No.” My lips tilt up. “I love him.”

It feels good to let myself feel this. It would feel even better if he felt it back.

They look at each other and laugh. I pretend to scowl.

“Duh!” Avery teases, “I tried to tell you.”

“But the last time we got together, it was pretend. It was an act to help us both with our coaches. He doesn’t want us to jump back in, just because he’s injured or because I regret my decision to call it off.”

It makes sense. It’s the logical, rational choice.

It also sucks.

I’ve been holding myself back for so long that, now that I know I want him, I want to jump back in with both feet, no safety net. But I hurt him. I left him. So, the ball is in his court, and I have to accept his terms. Showing up at the hospital didn’t magically undo what I did, no matter how much I wish it had.

So, I text him. A lot. About nothing. About everything. About how the weather sucks and how his sister has followed me on Instagram. I show him, quietly and consistently, that I’m here and not bolting this time.

It’s the least I can do to try to make up for hurting him. I will do it for as long as it takes for him to trust me.

As if sensing my frustration, Harper puts her hand on my arm. “He loves you too, you know.”

In theory, I know that. He said it. He also said it was a mistake, so until those words come from his lips a second time, I won’t let myself believe them fully.

“I hope it’s enough.”

“Patience has never been your virtue, not once you’ve decided what you want.”

She’s right. I am always the one in control. Leaving the future of us in Nathan’s hands is killing me, but I’m also hoping it shows him how serious I am.

Nathan: Your season opener is next week, right?

Me: Sort of. The season will kick off in March, but since we are last year’s champs, we’ll play in the Annual Cup Game first. It kicks off the season.

Nathan: Have you heard from the National Team coaches?