Page 96 of Blue in the Deep Blue Sea

“Don’t touch me!” I shouted, tears streaming down my face.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “It just happened. Don’t be mad, please.” He took a hesitant step closer, his eyes darting over my face. “Is it because of Nikki?” he whispered, grasping for an explanation. “Is it because she was your friend?”

“No!” I shot back, backing towards the door. “It was never about her.” My voice cracked under the weight of my tears. “It’s about you, Oliver.”

A broken groan tore from my throat. My hands curled into fists so tightly my nails dug into my palms.

“You stupid, clueless asshole,” I spat. “Don’t you get it?”

I turned to face him fully.

“That baby…” My voice caught. “That innocent baby is going to grow up without a father because you didn’t want to take responsibility for your own actions.” I shook my head, anger burning through every word. “You had your dick in half of Amalfi and never once stopped to think this might happen.”

The muscles in my neck tightened until they turned into pain.

“And I’m not fucking mad because you slept with Nikki.” My hands flew to my face. “Cazzo!” I screamed. “She was never my friend, and I don’t give two shits about her.”

His eyes searched mine, trying to understand, trying to find whatever he thought he had missed.

“You know what it’s like to grow up without a parent. You know how much it hurts.” My voice shook. “You were bullied because you didn’t have a mom. So was I, because my dad left me.” I jabbed a finger towards his chest. “And you still chose to become just like our parents because you didn’t want the responsibility.”

“Hey.” He stepped closer, reaching for me again, trying to pull me into his arms.

“No.”

I shoved him back before he could touch me.

“And what reassurance can you give me,” I whispered, my chest heaving, “that if the same happened to me, you wouldn’t walk away too? That you wouldn’t run because you were scared?”

He stood silently in the middle of the lighthouse, trying to make sense of everything I’d just said.

It had never been about Nikki, or even about him sleeping with other women. It was the fact that he knew what it felt like to grow up without a parent. He knew the emptiness it carved inside you, the hole it left behind, and he still chose to do the same to his own child because he’d rather keep partying and fucking around while she raised that little boy alone.

God, I hated him for that.

I hated him because he was a stupid man who thought with his dick, and the moment he made a mistake, he’d rather erase it than face it. I hated him because, standing there, he looked justlike my father. Just like every man who walked away and left a woman to carry all that guilt and pain alone.

And my greatest fear had always been ending up like that. With a few words, he’d ripped it wide open, all my fears.

“I should leave,” I said, dragging my injured foot behind me.

“And go where?” he asked, a bitter laugh escaping him. He turned, throwing his hands into the air in frustration.

I frowned. “Anywhere but here.”

“We’re on a bloody island!” he shouted.

I stepped outside.

My eyes locked onto his. My toes dug into the rough rock as I turned to face him fully. My jaw clenched until it hurt, forcing the words through gritted teeth.

“I’d rather drown than spend another minute here with you.”

Then I slammed the door shut and limped away, each uneven step carrying me closer to the shore.

It’s been thirty minutes since I heard his footsteps behind me. He still stayed close, watching over me even though we were both angry, both hurting because of what he’d done. I kept turning over every word he’d said, searching for something that would make it easier to understand, but nothing could excuse it.

Once, I heard my mother talking to someone who told her we can’t stop men from doing whatever the fuck they want, but we can guide them towards the right decisions. I kept trying to figure out which direction he needed to take to fix what he’d done, and every path led back to Amalfi, to leaving me and beingwith Nikki instead. Deep down, I knew I couldn’t ask that of him because I didn’t want him to leave me. I needed him here. But I also knew she needed him too, and so did his son. In the end, it was a decision only he could make, and all I could do was accept it.