Page 12 of Psychotic Nightmares

“I won’t tell anyone.” I assure him, lifting my head a little I place a kiss against his stubbled jaw. “I promise, I want to protect you as much as you do me, Julian.”

“I know, treasure.” I feel a slight press on my head. “You don’t have to protect me, baby. I can look after myself. I just don’t want you to bein any danger because of me.” He jolts as I stroke along a sensitive spot on his ribs. “I don’t want to let you go but I know I have to.” He holds my waist to keep me balanced until he is sat up straight, then shuffles back until his back hits the headboard. Bringing my arms up around his neck, I relax against him. No matter what happens in mylife, this man has brought me comfort time and time again. After my suicide attempt, after multiple assaults - both verbal and physical - from my co-workers, and now after being raped by my boss. I don’t know if I would have managed to stay as strong as I am without Julian.

Julian. I can’t believe I finally know his name.

I stare into his green crosses. My eyes driftingdown slowly to his exposed lips. I must be going fucking crazy, after yesterday I should be afraid. But no, I feel the safest I’ve ever felt in my life.

I lower my face to his, slowly closing the gap between us. His lips part, getting ready to speak.

Probably going to tell me to stop.

“Natalie.” He whispers my name, “we shouldn’t. You’re in a vulnerable state right now.”

“It’s just a kiss. Julian.”

“Just a kiss?”

“Mmm.” I close my eyes, Julian's hands come up and grab my face. Caressing my cheeks, he presses his lips to mine carefully, before pulling back. He maneuvers my head back to the crook of his neck before his fingers continue their gentle massage up my back to my shoulder blades. His heavy breathing and racing heart make me smile slightly. He’s nervous. I feel myself slowly drifting off in his arms when the ringing of my phone disrupts the peace. I tense when I see the name on the screen. Why is Howard calling me so early in the morning?

“Hello.” I answer, even though Julian tries to convince me not to.

“Miss Baker, I just wanted to let you know about a change in the schedule. You’re not needed this morning, but you can come in and do the afternoon and evening shift. And don’t forget I still need you to stay late again tonight to help me count the money in the safe.” Julian growls quietly under his mask. His hands now on my thighs grasp against my pyjama shorts.. He leans his head against my shoulder and takes some slow, deep breaths trying to keep himself calm.

“Umm, okay. Bye.” I cut the call and takehis large hands in mine, “I’ll be okay. I promised to call you, didn't I?”

“He. Raped. You.” He spits out each word. “And you just agreed to be alone with him again.” He removes his hands from mine and lifts his head. “I really thought you were smart enough to stay away from him.”

“I thought we established this already. I have to go to work. And it’s not like I can do anything anyway. Not with his brother being the police chief.” Julian huffs a sarcastic laugh and I remember Pa’s blood covered watch. “Julian, promise me you won’t do anything.”

“I’m not promising that Natalie,” he looks away from me, out the window to where the sun is half risen. “He hurt you. You are mine and no-one damages my property.”

Oh, he didn’t just say that, did he?

“I’m not an object.” I grit my teeth. “And I’m no-one’sproperty.” The last one to say that to me was Pa, he passed us around like we were his sex dolls. And at times he would dress us up like them too. The memory of that first time Pa lent me out comes flooding back.

“Oh, look at you, you precious little thing. You are mine tonight, doll. Your Pa has lent you to me for the night.” At only ten I had no idea what was happening. The man talking to me was my ‘uncle’, or that’s what Ma and Pa told us to call him. Him and many other men who would come round to our house. But this nightwe went to his house. “I believe your Pa has shown you how men show their little dolls how to love them right?” I nod, because Pa did show us how men show their love. “Good, now stay quiet and be a good little thing.”I close my eyes, waiting to be forced to the floor like always. Only it doesn’t come. “I need you to show my lad how it’s done. Teach him how to stay still won’t you.” Opening my eyes, I look around to where he points. A young boy around the age of twelve or thirteen stands there, his dark brown eyes meet mine. They show no emotion, he’s numb just like me. Just two messed up kids with abusive fathers. “Come here you little shit.” Uncle tells the boy, who shuffles over with his head down. “This little doll is going to teach you all her little tricks. Including how to suck a dick. Isn’t that right Pa.”

Pa comes up beside me, his cock already hard in his hand and I am thrown onto my knees in front of him while the young boy gets in front of Uncle. He winces a little as he lands on the back of his heels.

“That’s right angel. Now get teaching.” Pa chuckles darkly, his voice husky as he grabs my hair and moves my face closer to his crotch.

The rest of the night is a blur of multiple assaults against me and the young boy. Yet noneof us cried, none of us complained. Just held each other quietly when the two others slept. Snuggled up on the floor in the corner of the cold room, a ripped blanket thrown over us both to try and keep us warm. None of us say a word, both taught to be quiet and not make a sound. He strokes my hair as I lay my head on his shoulder. Both usingeach othersbody heat as extra warmth.

I never saw that kid again.

And I never found out his name.

“I need you to leave.” I climb off Julian, I can barely keep my breathing even. “I am not a thing you can keep. I am not something that can be damaged.” I point to my bedroom door and keep my face down. I can’t look at him. My breathing becomes heavier the longer he just sits there.

Why isn’t he moving?

“Leave, Julian. I mean it.”Please, just leave.

“Treasure.”

“NO.” I start to shake. “No, I am not your treasure. I am a person, a human being who just wanted to spend some time with you. You told me your name, but still can’t take off the fucking mask.” I’m angry and taking it out on the wrong person. I know that. But fuck, it feels good letting it out. “It’s been three years, and I know nothing about you. Yet you know everything about me. It’s not fair.” Tears start stinging my eyes. “I thought we were friends. Or in some sort of fucked up relationship.” He still doesn’t move. “But now, now we are nothing.” I wipe at my face, finally looking up at him staring straight at me. “Get the fuck out of my apartment Julian. And never come back. I never want to see you again.” My heart breaks just saying the words, it’s a lie. Of course it is. Julian has been a three year commitment and in my head, we were together.

Fucked up right, well yeah. I’m a fucked up person who cares. I thought I was in a relationship with my stalker, my protector in the shadows. He basically sleeps here every night, he does the chores, cooks, and brings me gifts. Even leaves me love notes. But no, we’re not anything. He is just obsessed with me, he just said so himself. The amount of times I have tried to throw myself at him and he’s turned me away should have been a massive fucking clue that he isn’t interested.So why does he stick around? And why does this feel like I’m breaking up with him?