Page 284 of Tell Me I'm Enough

I’m angry at him, at myself, at the fact that I love someone who won’t choose himself, let alone me.

Music flows through the walls behind me, and a constant string of laughter spills out of the open windows. I wipe at my eyes and tell myself I’m just being dramatic.

It’s just alcohol.

It’s just college life.

It won’t be forever.

Willweeven be forever?

How would we be forever when we aren’t even anything yet?

The logical side of my brain knows this isn’t just a college phase; this isn’t just a wild night. It’s every night with him.

I end up going back inside because sitting alone out here feels pathetic, and I’m going to continue to overthink everything if I stay out here.

Walking back inside, the contrast from being outside hits me. It’s hotter inside now, muggier. And the music is too loud, making my head start to spin.

As soon as I step into the open living room space, I find Mason.

But he’s not alone.

Not only are there about ten other guys standing around him, but there’s a girl. Bleach blonde, tight dress, short, tiny—the opposite of me. The kind of girl who looks like she actually fits perfectly with him.

Her hand is on his chest, and she’s laughing like whatever he just said was the funniest thing in the world. He’s smiling too—that stupid, perfect, intoxicating smile of his that anyone could get wrapped up in.

Jealousy flares in my chest, hell, in my entire body.

He can barely keep his eyes open, but he does enough to hold a conversation with the chick.

Everything about it istoofriendly. Maybe not sexual, but entirely too fucking friendly.

Every thought fires off in my head about how we’re nothing, how he owes no loyalty to me. If he were to find someone else—someone who was perfectly fine with how he dealt with everything, or even better, someone who didn’t care—he would have every right to pursue them if he wanted. I’m the one who has never put a label on us.

Tonight could be the night he realizes that, too, and gets tired of the waiting game.

I can’t stomach the thought of him with someone else. I can’t stay here and watch something happen that my heart isn’t prepared to see. He’s drunk. He could very well say fuck me in his state and go back to his old ways, hooking up with any available body nearby.

I beeline out of the room and into the kitchen, where I thankfully find some Gamma girls I can hide out with. I pretend to be interested in whatever they’re talking about, trying desperately not to go back into that room, trying desperately not to let my insecurities take over every thought.

As the night winds down and I’ve hit my limit on the amount of alcohol I can drink, I go to pull out my phone and call Lani to come pick me up, but stop when a couple of other girls from Zeta walk over to us, laughing loudly and talking to one of our girls in a hushed voice.

“…and then he literally took her upstairs,” one of them says.

“Who?” another asks, louder now.

“Mason.”

My ears ring at the name.

“The blonde?” she asks, shocked, almost like she’s jealous of the girl.

“Yeah. Like five minutes ago.”

My heart stops.

“Upstairs?” someone giggles.