Page 264 of Tell Me I'm Enough

She shakes her head. “I don’t think I ever could.”

“And you’re staying with me? You’re not leaving me?”

I just…need to know she’ll stay.

She nods.

I take her upstairs, tucking her under my covers and under my arms, needing her presence to calm my racing mind.

I don’t even make a move, because this isn’t about that.She’sthe one who ends up coming on to me, and I almost tell her no, but the desperation in her eyes, the way she looks scared, makes me give in to her. It’s like she needs to prove to me that she’s not going anywhere. And she needs the confirmation that she’s not losing me either.

I give in to her because I can’t tell her no.

I just wish she would understand that I don’t need her body to love her the way I do.

I just need her heart.

53

Simone

Church this morning was, let’s just say…a lot.

But good?

The way they talked about relationships, dating, and sex…it really took me by surprise.

In the few times I’ve attended church growing up, all I ever heard was that sex is bad. Abstinence was the only option. You’re going to hell if you have sex before marriage.

But today? I didn’t hear any of that. What I heard were genuine, real-life ways to protect my heart, mind, and body.

I always thought sex was just about this big no-no rule that I never really agreed with because it didn’t make sense to me. What’s the harm in having sex? What’s so crucial about “marriage” when sex can be casual?

I understand there are unhealthy habits surrounding sex, but I’m not someone who sleeps around with a bunch of guys. I don’t hook up with strangers; I’m not letting anyone physically hurtme, and I always play it safe. I never got why it was such a big deal.

But today, I saw things from a different angle.

“Whenever God says don’t…he means, don’t hurt yourself.”

That really resonated with me.

I can’t quite explain why, and I’m not sure what it means for my future, but it’s stuck in my head on repeat ever since he said it.

Stepping out into the parking lot with everyone, Lydia grabs my arm and pulls me close to her. “So…how did you like it?” she asks.

“It was…good. Different, but…good.”

She looks over at me with that look like she knows there’s more. But she never pushes; she just lets me talk when and if I want. She’s always been that way.

I’m trying to learn to be more like that, too. I know it’s what she normally needs, and I’m understanding more now why. She’s always been my safe space, and I want to be that for her too, the way it needs to look and feel for her.

Bash is up front, guiding everyone out to his car. Lani and Erik are in front of us, no doubt, probably arguing about what color the sky is. And I’m back here, stuck in my thoughts.

Lydia glances at me. “You okay?”

‘Yeah,” I lie.

I know I’m not in the church at the moment, but still, don’t strike me, Lord.