Page 265 of Tell Me I'm Enough

I just…I don’t know how I’m feeling, and I don’t know how to talk to anyone about it. I haven’t even told Lydia about Mason and me, so how would I jump straight into all the problems we have off the bat?

Different parts of the message replay again in my head.

Protect your heart.

Don’t hurt yourself.

He didn’t talk about all the “rules.” He talked about attachment, about how intimacy isn’t just physical, about how your body can train your heart to cling to a person before your mind has caught up.

All I could think about was Mason, how I feel when I’m with him, how intoxicating his kisses and touches are, how well he treats me, yet how scared I still am with him.

How can someone show me so much love without ever saying it? And why does that make me question everything? How can I feel so safe with someone, yet I know my heart isn’t being guarded?

Does he look at me that way because of me? Or because I’m just the girl who gives him what he wants and makes him feel good about himself?

If we weren’t having sex, would he still treat me the same? Or would he find someone else who didn’t care as much about him or the way he self-destructs sometimes, and put whatever relationship we have in some box, pushed aside because it doesn’t come with the perks anymore?

I don’t think he would, but I don’t know that he wouldn’t. And that’s the part that scares me. It’s the part that makes my heart not feel safe around him. I don’t want something we have to hide anymore, and I also don’t want something that hurts either of us. I want something deeper, something real, something that isn’t built on fear of losing each other, or just being tangled up in sheets. I don’t want to have to question my worth with the people I love anymore.

I think we’re both blocking anything real from happening, though—him with everything he lets stand in the way of us, and me with being scared to commit to someone who I see going down a very slippery slope…quickly, at that, someone I’m scared to trust.

If I’m honest, I don’t really want to stop either—stop being with him, stop sleeping with him, stop protecting him from himself.

I know the honesty of that would probably be looked down on, but it’s the truth. I love being with him, I love the way he makes me feel, I love feeling like I’m more to him when we’re together like that, when I have all of him.

This is what conviction feels like, ain’t it? Not shame, just…awareness.

Who knew Simone Edwards was this weak?

I stare down at the asphalt and just try to put these feelings somewhere tangible.

Please fix him, God. Take his pain, take the hurt he carries, take the things that stop him from being the best version of himself.

The prayer isn’t really a prayer; it’s clumsy and not put together or fancy, but it’s all I’ve got. I don’t know how to pray ‘right’; I just know how to talk—how to beg for help.

“Alright,” Bash says, pulling me from my thoughts.

I look up to see him leaning against his blacked-out Genesis, one arm propped on the roof. “It’s my day to pick our activity.”

Lydia unlinks her arm from mine and goes to stand next to him.

“Why do you sound so suspiciously happy about that?” Lani asks, glaring at him.

“I don’t,” he argues. “I always sound like this…this is my normal tone.”

Erik rounds the car, opening the back door, waiting for Lani to get in first.

“Nah,” he says to Bash, standing there as Lani stares at him. “You sound like you’re about to tell us we’re skydiving, or running some weird marathon where we all have to hold hands the entire time.”

Bash smirks and shakes his head. “Just get in the car.”

Bash opens up the passenger side door for Lydia to get in, and I go to grab the other back door when Lani stops me.

“You’re in the middle, Simone.”

I roll my eyes, laughing a little, then look up to Erik, who is shaking his head, trying to tell me not to do it.

Lani looks back and catches him, crossing her arms. “Please don’t piss me off on the Lord’s day.” She walks to the other side of the car, where I am, still glaring at him. “Get in, and stay away from me.”