Page 182 of Sword & Shadow
“Then please,” Ilain said, her voice taut, “enlighten me.”
Meeting Ilain’s fierce jade green gaze, Evylin chewed on her lip. Never before had she considered explaining herself. Who could begin to understand the pain that lived in her body, tearing every inch of her heart to pieces? How could she describe the devastation that remained in the wake of her loss? Who would she trust with such vulnerability?
But Evylin was desperate. She’d gone so long without relief, holding back the tide of sorrow and agony that threatened to drown her. Every joke, every sarcastic remark hid the brokenness she felt. She wasn’t winning the battle with the tide any longer. Shewasdrowning, and she needed someone to grab her hand and pull her back to the surface for a breath of air.
“I was thirteen,” Evylin whispered. “And he left me.”
Ilain’s fierce expression softened, her lips parting in surprise.
Evylin didn’t bother fighting the tears.Let them come,she thought. Let Ilain see the damage left on her soul, the scars she bore. Let the woman knowwhyEvylin couldn’t withstand the suffering of another wound upon her heart.
“You have Auden,” Evylin said, voice like a wraith, insubstantial and haunting. “I had Ryen.”
“Your brother?” Ilain asked gently.
Evylin’s head gave the smallest shake. “In all but parentage. He was Hewitt’s son.”
A fresh understanding dawned in Ilain’s gaze.
“Ryen was like the sun,” Evylin said with a fractured smile. She could feel the tears on her face, but she wasn’t sure when they’d first fallen. “He was clever and funny, and he brought life everywhere he went. I remember...I remember days when I felt lonely or left out because the other girls didn’t like me. Ryen would always say, ‘They don’t know what they’re missing, Kit.’”
Evylin smiled, remembering the nickname. “He called me Kit because I wrinkled my nose whenever I was annoyed, like a baby badger, he claimed.” She let out a thin laugh at the thought. Then she furrowed her brow. “I don’t know if I do that anymore.”
Ilain shook her head. “I haven’t noticed.”
“Hm.” Evylin stared at her hands. “Anyway, Ryen was always there. We would go out and play in the fields surrounding the village, and he would invent all these wonderful adventures. We’d fight off dragons or save a princess. Sometimes, we’d play in the creek, pretending to sail across the sea. He wanted to be a pirate.”
They shared a smile.
Evylin took a deep breath. “Ryen was everything. We had so many dreams together, so many...plans. We were going to explore the whole world.”
Ilain didn’t bother to ask what happened. She simply took Evylin’s hand in hers, compassion in her gaze.
“And then he died,” Evylin murmured. The words tasted bland and stale, like she’d held them in too long and now they’d lost their life too.
Ilain scooted closer so that their shoulders were touching. She linked arms with Evylin, drawing her close. It reminded Evylin of her sisters and how they comforted one another. She allowed herself to lean into Ilain, grateful for the woman’s presence.
“I didn’t want to live after that,” Evylin admitted. “I intended to die too. But then Hewitt came home, and...we became each other’s reason to go on. He would live for me and I for him. And somehow, we found a way to be happy together.”
She pressed her lips together, knowing thatshe’ddestroyed that happiness. “But I’d made a promise to Ryen,” she confessed. “I wouldn’t let his dream die in Whickam Village. I would do all we’d ever planned, keeping him alive by living out our adventures. No matter the cost.”
Ilain rested her head on Evylin’s shoulder, both of them staring at the fire while they were meant to be watching the forest.
Evylin rubbed the back of her sleeve against her nose and tear-stained cheeks. “I can’t love Jonn,” she whispered finally. “Because when Hewitt died, my heart died with him. Now, I have no love left to give.”
For a long moment, they were silent. Ilain’s warmth seeped into Evylin, their sides pressed together. Evylin’s thoughts drifted back to Whickam Village and the sisters she’d left there. Did her family miss her? Had they learned of Hewitt’s death? Were they grieving too? Last she knew, Euna’s husband hadn’t written in five months. A near-assurance of his death. Had the army confirmed it, leaving her eldest sister a widow? And what about Dolia? She was engaged when Evylin left. Had the wedding taken place? She’d missed so much and for what?
Ilain sighed, bringing Evylin back to the Waulden forest. “I must say,” she whispered gently, “I don’t agree.”
They both shifted, straightening to look at one another. Evylin furrowed her brow as Ilain smirked. “I’d venture to say that you love all of us,” the highlady noted. “Thom, Ethenn, Rafferty. Even Auden and me.”
Evylin sucked in her bottom lip.
“But I won’t force you to admit it,” Ilain said with a wink. Then she reached up and wiped the last tear from Evylin’s face. “Now, shall I tell you a secret?”
“A secret?” Evylin repeated, bemused.
Ilain gave her a nod. “You shared something immensely personal with me. It’s only fair I do the same with you.”
