Page 136 of Sword & Shadow
“No,” she said quickly and vehemently. “No, I won’t Bond with any Mage, no matter who. I’ve made no promises to the Alliance. They can’t force me to do anything.”
A flare of something—was it disappointment or fear?—crossed his face. “Then it’s the dissolution of our marriage,” he concluded. “That’s what you want?”
Evylin couldn’t say the words. She knew she should—she knew it would finally ensure her safety, finally drive him away—but she couldn’t state the lie aloud.
Sorrow drew Deckard’s face down. He came a step closer, his gaze searching. “I told you months ago,” he whispered as though it hurt to speak, “I would do whatever it took to make you happy. If that means dissolving our marriage and letting you go...I’ll do it.”
Evylin felt the sting of tears too late. The first one slipped out of the corner of her eye, burning down her cheek. The brutal truth within caused her heart to ache. “That’s the thing, Jonn,” she said weakly. “You can’t make me happy.”
She’d never seen a man look more defeated.
And she chose to hurt him more.
“I didn’t marry you because I wanted you,” she said around her tears. “You knew that. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement, nothing more. You gave me the chance to leave Whickam Village, and Hewitt gave you the chance to impress your officers. It isn’t my fault you failed. Now...”
Deckard took a step back as Evylin continued, “Now, I see that nothing I wanted was worth it.” She pressed her hands to her chest. “I lost the only thing that mattered, and what did I get in return? Adventure?” She scoffed, the tears coming freely. “What is that but another word for death?”
He looked deeply remorseful, the rising sun catching in his eyes, turning them light blue. Their soft color was eternally imprinted on her brain. “Is there no way for me to fix this? Is there no chance I can help you find what you want now?” he asked.
Evylin shook her head, knowing that so long as he was in her life, she would never be safe. Every day with Jonn Deckard at her side was another day closer to losing what sanity she had left.
“No,” she said with finality.
“Why not?” The question came out in a breath, but it struck her like a blow all the same.
She didn’t have an answer. Not one she could speak aloud. So she turned away, too frightened to force another lie.
“Is this your decision then?” he asked, a range of emotions filling his voice. “You want an annulment?”
The words caused another uprising of tears. Her heart lurched, an instant clamor bursting forth in her mind. No, of course, she didn’t want an annulment. How could she ever? She didn’t want anything but him.
The thought made Evylin reel. “Yes,” she said, aching deep within.
Deckard didn’t speak. He didn’t even react. He just stared at her as she felt the sting of her rejection inflicted upon herself.
The silence stretched. Deckard took two long strides, coming within inches of her. She thought to back away, but he stopped short. He didn’t reach for her. He only continued to study her face. She didn’t know what he was looking for, but she refused to let him know the truth behind her tears.
Tightening her jaw, Evylin raised her chin.
“I need you to know something, Evylin,” Deckard whispered, his voice surprisingly gentle and tender. “If we’re to be separated, possibly forever, then I have to say it once.”
Evylin’s heart twisted with hope and fear. Somehow, she knew what he was about to say. She knew the confession rising to his lips.
“Don’t,” she murmured breathlessly. She couldn’t let him say it, no matter how much she ached to hear those words.
“I love you,” Deckard said.
Closing her eyes, Evylin savored the words, even as she wished she could push them away. Her breath hitched, and pain lanced through her. “You’re not supposed to,” she said brokenly.
When she opened her eyes, Deckard stood there, a mournful smile on his handsome face. “I’m not sorry that I do.”
Evylin could do nothing but stare up at him. How could such a sentiment fill her with joy and sorrow all at once? How could she hurt so deeply at the wonderful truth of having his love? She wanted to tell him that she didn’t mean it—none of it. Hecouldmake her happy. Day by day, she was growing more convinced than ever thatonlyhe could accomplish that endeavor. But she couldn’t permit herself to endure the devastation that would inevitably follow.
Not when it meant losing her very self to him, as she had done with Ryen and Hewitt.
Deckard lifted his hand, wiping away the last tear that clung to her jaw. She wanted to lean into his touch, to accept his comfort. What a relief it would be to finally give in to him, to return his love.
By sheer force of will, she remained rigid even as her emotions stirred.
