Page 43 of Empress of Ruin
You smothered it.
“If it’s all the same to you, I’d really rather not.”
“It’s not all the same to me.”
I inhale a deep breath. Having nothing to lose and simply existing is one thing; getting excited over something and potentially putting myself at risk of having it taken away is another. Hope is a direct line to despair, and I’m not sure I have the fortitude to take more despair. I’m tenacious, but I have my limits.
“Okay.” Find a way to go through with this that doesn’t get my hopes up. That won’t be easy; publishing a book has been my dream since I was a little girl, lying in bed with my sister and telling her stories to distract her from the pain.
“Goddamnit, Lyra.” Killian steps back. “Stop it.”
I blink. “Stop what?”
“This.” He gestures at me. “Whatever the fuck this is.Stop it.”
“Okay.”Has he finally lost his mind?
“Fuck,” he snaps. “What has gotten into you?”
“Excuse me?”
“This is not you.” He shakes his head and starts pacing the length of the bedroom, pushing a hand through his hair, messing it up. “This isnot you,” he repeats, as if it were unclear the first time. “Why are you being like this?”
“Killian.” I inhale a deep breath. “I am doingexactly what you want. Literally and to the letter. I follow your every order. I let you do whatever you want to my body. I’m doing everything fucking right—and somehow it’sstillnot enough?”
“It’s notyou!” Killian roars. “I don’t want a society wife. If I did, I could’ve bought any of them. I wantyou. I want your fight. I want your sass. I want your smart fucking mouth. I want yourspark.”
I press a hand to my forehead, comingveryclose to losing my cool. “Then why thefuckhave you workedso goddamn hardto suppress it?”
“Ihaven’t!I’ve worked to stop turning itagainst me. I’ve tried to stop you from putting us on opposite sides of the battlefield.”
“I tried to put us on the same side!” I yell, losing my composure. “What do you think I was doing the night of thatstupid goddamndinner party, Killian? I was putting us on thesame—goddamn—side!And what did you do? You shut me down and blocked me out. You made it clear that a society wife is exactly what you want, so that’s exactly what I’ve been giving you. But eventhat’snot enough, is it?” I lose my steam, left gasping for breath, shaking my head. “Nothing iseverenough for you, is it?”
“That wasn’t you trying to put us on the same side, it was you trying to getleverageto expose me.”
I point at him. “I gave you the exact reason for why it wasn’t, but you—didn’t—listen.There is no world that exists in which you trust me—and that’s fine, because there’s certainly no world that exists whereItrustyou. You have gone out of your way to ruin my life, and when you finally get what you’ve fought for,you’re unhappy?”
“I fought foryou,” he growls. “The real you. Not this shitty… stand-in.”
“Youhuntedme,” I correct. “You didn’t fight for me, Killian. You haveneverfought forme; you fight only for yourself. It’s all about whatyouwant. If you cared for me even alittle bit, you would’ve let me go. I wouldn’t have to endure humiliation at your side.” I shake my head. “But youdon’tgive a shit, and that’s only one of many problems. I’m here, in danger, because you dragged me back here. You’re trying to knock me up like breeding stock because it’s whatyouwant. You don’t care thatthis is fuckingdestroyingme. That being withyouis killing parts of me.”
Killian’s jaw clenches. We glare at each other, both breathing harshly, as if we’ve been fucking instead of fighting. His look of rage swiftly melts into conflict, and then into resignation. He resumes pacing for several moments, then halts in the center of the room, staring at me.
“If I tell you and you talk, if you try to write another expose or pull some other shit, you need to understand that we’re dead.Bothof us. And it will not be a pleasant death. It will be miserable, insufferably painful, and they’ll make it last weeks—if not months.”
A cold skitter of fear tenses my spine, but another emotion unravels to. The dangerous,dangerouskernel of hope that I might actually be getting somewhere with Killian.
“I understand,” I say, nodding.
His eyes linger on me for several moments, flashing with uncertainty. Finally, he parts his lips and speaks.
“I’m part of an organization. Envision the richest and most powerful men and women in the world. Not presidents or people who cyclethroughpower, but the ones who hold it. Industry leaders. Billionaires. Moguls.”
My mind flashes back in time, to the first gala I ever attended with Killian. I remember the signet ring I found in his drawer, one that Silas was also wearing. The signet ring with an eye. An organization similar to the illuminati has long-since been speculated, but never confirmed. It seems plausible enough that powerful people would band together, even probable, but hearing confirmation is disconcerting.
“I see,” I say quietly. “The signet ring I found?”
“All members have one.”
