Page 44 of Jessica Beam is a Hot Mess
‘And Miss Smith has already thought of the chap we could catch,’ Grandma adds. ‘A Good Gentleman by the name of Leo Frost.’
I splutter and choke, swiftly disguising it with a yawn/sleepy snuffle type sound. Leo Frost? What the sweet hell is Valentina Smith thinking of? He hates me. And I hate him. And Valentina hates him. Plus he’d recognize me in an instant.
‘We’d have you in disguise, of course,’ Valentina says as if she’s reading my mind. ‘And despite my personal experience with him, perhaps because of it, I believe he is aperfectchoice. London’s most notorious, eternally single, hard-hearted bachelor. If you could get a declaration of true love from Leo Frost, then the book would be a bestseller.’
‘And myGood Womanguides would be reprinted. Jessica, my house could be saved! You could save everything.’
Emotional bribery to the max.
Valentina clears her throat. ‘And, of course, there would an advance. Five thousand pounds on spec.’
Whaaat? Five grand? Five grand. I get a vision of my bank account balance as it currently stands: twenty-three pence.Overdrawn.
I pop my head out of the top of the covers, meerkat style. Grandma’s hands are shaking with anticipation.
‘Five thousand quid?’ I say, just to be sure.
‘Initially,’ Valentina replies with a confident grin. ‘If it goes well then the possibilities are endless.’
I peer at Grandma. She’s about half a minute away from squeaking.
‘Does the dudehaveto be Leo Frost?’
‘I can think of no one better. And surely you can see what a good story it would make.’
‘Do I have to do it under my real name?’
‘Yes. Matilda Beam and Jessica Beam. The family dynamic must be clear.’
‘Er … do we get to keep the five thousand even if the whole thing fails miserably?’
‘Well, I’d very much hope that doesn’t happen, but yes. That is how an advance works.’
Wow. Half of five thousandguaranteedfor two to four weeks’ work. No matter how futile this project is, no matter how much I will despise doing it, that kind of money is hard to argue with when you’re in my position. That much money would get me to Thailand. Hell, it would get me to Fiji. It would be a leg-up, a fresh start. I picture myself beachside at sunset, sipping on half a coconut filled with pear cider, wearing a brand new silk jumpsuit and swaying in time to a soundtrack of Pink Floyd’sDark Side of the Moon. It’s too much to turn down.
‘All right. I’ll do it.’
Grandma bursts into a decidedly unpoised round of tears and mutters ‘thank heavens’ and ‘what a day!’ before dashing out of the room to fetch theGood Womanguides. Valentina simply leans over the bed to shake my hand.
‘Of course, I’ll need the first twenty thousand words of the book within four weeks,’ she says happily.
What the fuck have I just agreed to?
