Page 45 of Jessica Beam is a Hot Mess
Chapter Thirteen
A Good Woman’s skin must always be dewy, fresh and even. The perfect chap will recoil from dry or blemished skin, and what a pity that would be!
Matilda Beam’sGuide to Love and Romance, 1955
Grandma brings through a tall stack of jewel-coloured hardbacks and hands them over as if she’s bestowing me with a solution to world peace before dashing back off to see Valentina out. I lounge on the end of the bed and select the top book on the pile.
Matilda Beam’s Guide to Love and Romance
I put it to my nose and give it a sniff, instantly sneezing. It smells of old. Running my finger over the coarse, dark pink, cloth-bound cover, I open it up. On the front inside page is a black and white photograph of a woman sitting at a desk with a glass of champagne in one hand and her other hand elegantly extended to the camera to show off an art deco engagement ring. Presumably Grandma. She looks young, twenty or so. And she’s hot! Beneath the, well, bitterness, my mum was really beautiful, but Matilda Beam is something else. I can’t tell the exact colour of her hair from the monochrome image, but it’s quite dark and styled in a gorgeously perfect wave down to her shoulders. She’s raising an eyebrow and wearing a dress that flips out in the skirt, making her waist look absolutely minuscule. Underneath the image there’s a little bio:
Matilda Beam (née Miller) pictured on the day she was engaged to Jack Beam, New York heir to the Delightex empire.
Delightex? The American bra company? My granddad owned Delightex? Woah. Why didn’t Mum tell me that titbit? That’s mega information.
Before she fell in love with Beam, Matilda was the toast of the New York debutante scene, receiving proposals of marriage from no less than three of Manhattan’s most eligible bachelors! No doubt about it, Matilda Beam is a Good Woman. Read her story! Follow her tips! Land the man of every woman’s dreams!
Threemarriage proposals? Toast of New York?
I flick forward a few pages.
Never wear trousers on a date. A Good Man will appreciate shapely legs. But not too much leg, lest you be thought of as loose. Skirts below the knee, always.
I snort and think about my skinny jeans that are so tight you can see what I had for lunch yesterday. And the only skirts I have that go below the knee are my nighties. And most of them don’t even manage that.
Nobody really likes a Chatty Cathy. Let your date take the lead in conversation and be sure to let him know just how fascinating you find him with an enigmatic smile and a few well placed throaty laughs. He will certainly enjoy being around you!
What? This can’t be real. Are they going to expect me todothis? I can’t quite figure out whether it’s hilarious or horrendous.
I pick up the other books and leaf through them. There’s everything from aGood Bride Guideand aGood Mother Guideto aGood Housewife Guide. Wow, Grandma wrote loads!
I examine the biography picture in the final book –Matilda Beam’s Good Woman Guide: it’s Grandma again. She’s sitting beside a tall, handsome man in a suit with a cute, chubby toddler perched on her knee.
Matilda Beam sure is a Good Woman! Married to Jack Beam in 1955, she is the bestselling author of guides to life as a Good Woman. The Matilda Beam Good Woman Guides are a staple in any home library, not just in Britain but in America, where Matilda’s straightforward brand of charm and amazing results are renowned. Matilda Beam lives in New York with her husband, CEO of Delightex underwear, Jack Beam and their young daughter, Rose.
Wow. Mum lived in New York? I wonder how long for? Did she grow up in New York? Was she acheerleader? Why did they return? Once again it occurs to me how much I don’t know about her, about my history, and I experience a roll of guilt for not asking her more when I had the chance. I suppose that, at the very least, being stuck in this place for the next month will give me a chance to find out more.
Before I can think on it much further, the door bursts open and Grandma sweeps back in, closely followed by Peach, who is carrying a fresh set of fluffy cornflower-blue towels.
‘Oh, Jessica. I couldn’t be happier. You have answered my prayers,’ Grandma chokes out. ‘Valentina has asked that we keep her updated with our progress. She likes you a great deal, I think. Oh, what an utterly wonderful development.’
Peach echoes the sentiment with a small, pink-cheeked grin.
And then my worst nightmare becomes real. The pair of them engage me in an enthusiastic group hug. I hold my breath until it’s over, which takes so long that my vision starts wobbling around the edges.
‘A new friend,’ Peach whispers to herself, quite intensely.
‘Oh! Er, yeah.’
‘I have such a lot to teach you, dear,’ Grandma says breathlessly. ‘I will teach you everything I know. Everything. You will be the perfect Good Woman. This time I will get it right.’
I have my trainers on. I could run out, escape right now and never look back … except that I have nowhere to go and no cash with which to go there. Yet.
‘Brill,’ I say weakly when I’ve escaped their stranglehold on my body. ‘Fine. Yay. Great. Hurrah. Just … no more hugs, all right?’
They laugh lightly as if I am joking. But I am not joking.
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