Page 62 of Clueless
“Some.”I noticed he’d replaced the profile picture of us, but I didn’t take it personally.I assumed his record label insisted on something more professional, for the sake of branding.
“Then you know I deleted that picture of us?”
“Yeah.”I cleared my throat, forcing myself to look him in the eye and stay strong, even though I was quivering inside.“It’s no big deal.”
He closed his eyes.“I can’t do this.I thought I could, but I can’t.I need you too damn much.”
“Taz, what the hell are you talking about?What’s going on?”
“I need to feel you.”He pulled his t-shirt over his head and tossed it aside before closing in on me.“I’m so in love with you.”
For the first time since he walked in, I finally felt like I could breathe.“I love you too.But when you came in—” He silenced me with an intense kiss that was spiked with desperation.My mind was still warring with my body, wanting to know more, but I couldn’t form words when he was tearing my clothes off.
His eyes found mine before he picked me up and carried me over to the sofa.
I heard so much in the silence.The words he was afraid to speak.I wanted to press him, but something told me if I did, it would mean the end of us.And I wasn’t ready for that.I didn’t think I ever would be.
He took a condom out of his wallet before removing his jeans and tossing them aside.
I wanted to ask why he’d had a change of heart, what my sister said that made him suddenly want to revert to the days when there were restrictions on our intimacy.
Taz was rough as he kissed and licked his way up my body, almost like he was trying to detach his heart and mind from the physical act.He didn’t want to make love to me tonight.He wanted to have sex.And I couldn’t go back to that.
I pressed my palm into his chest.“We’re not doing this.”
“What?”
“We’re not using sex to escape anymore.”
His gaze travelled over my naked body before he cursed and stood, grabbing a throw off the back of a nearby chair and tossing it over me.“You’re right, get dressed.”
“You don’t want me anymore, is that it?”It would hurt to hear, but nothing could hurt as much as living in limbo, wondering where we stood.
“I want you more than my next breath… but I can’t have you.”He pulled his jeans on and sank into an armchair, lowering his head into his hands.“I’m been making myself crazy over this, trying to find another way.But there is no other way.”His eyes were tortured when he said, “I have to let you go, Grace.”
I pinched my trembling lips together, determined not to cry.Not to beg or plead or try to reason.No matter what, I would walk out of this house with my dignity.“Care to tell me why, or are you going to let me guess?”
He shook his head.“I can’t, but it wouldn’t matter anyway.It wouldn’t change anything.”
“You’re a goddamn coward, Taz!”I’d never been more disgusted or enraged as I jumped up with the throw wrapped around me to collect my clothes.“I should have known you’d bail on me.There’s a reason you’ve never had a real relationship.You’re not capable of it!You’re a sick, selfish, heartless, cruel bastard!”So much for maintaining my dignity and composure.
“You’re right.”He closed his eyes while I got dressed.“I’m so sorry, Grace.I know you hate me.And you have every right to?—”
“Don’t!Just don’t.”I threw my hand up, like that would stop him.“I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.Whatever the reason, you’re too much of a coward to even tell me.And you know what?It doesn’t matter anyway.Bottom line?You don’t want me.So, I’ll find someone who does.”
Taz
It had been two long weeks since I’d broken up with Grace and I was a mess.I couldn’t eat or sleep.Every time I fell into bed, I had flashbacks of making love to her and it spelled another restless night.
The only place I could focus was the studio.Thankfully, because today the boss man was there to sit in on my recording session.
Austin had to run out on an errand and Luc and I were taking a break to eat the chicken quesadillas we’d ordered in when he said, “You want to talk about it, man?”
I didn’t even feign ignorance when I pushed my food aside, knowing it wouldn’t mix well with the story of my messed-up life.I’d become friends with both Luc and Austin, after long days and nights fleshing out this album, and I trusted Luc to give it to me straight.Because I was seriously afraid I was losing my mind.
“I’ve made a mess of everything,” I said, draining my water bottle.“And I don’t know what the hell to do about it.”
“We all make a mess of things sometimes,” he said, tossing his rolled-up paper napkin in the waste basket.“It can’t be that bad.”
