Page 44 of Payback
“I’m journaling about what happened then,” she said, reaching for her iced tea. “But I’m also writing about what’s happening now. With Loran. A few years ago if I’d met a man like him I would have written him off because I was afraid of getting in too deep.”
“I still can’t believe this,” Grace said, shaking her head. “If someone had asked me to name the most fearless woman I knew it would have been you. Every time. I can’t believe—”
“It was an act.” It wasn’t easy for Bella to admit that, but if she wanted to be honest with herself and the people who loved her she had to start now. “I was afraid of men. I didn’t trust my own judgement and I was terrified of falling in love. I thought our first argument would end in a bloody battle or that I’d try to break up with him and he’d stalk me.” She shuddered, feeling the weight of oppressive fear settle over her. “Or worse.”
“But you don’t have those concerns with Loran?” Grace asked, reaching for her hand.
“Loran magnified those fears,” Bella explained. “In fact, he was everything that terrified me. Think about it. This big guy, dominant personality, used to getting what he wants, refusing to back down when I tell him I’m done with him.”
“I can understand why you wanted nothing to do with him,” Grace said, shaking her head. “It makes perfect sense now. But what made you change your mind about him? When did you decide to give him another chance?”
Bella smiled. “I’m not sure I decided. I think my heart decided for me. I just couldn’t keep shutting him down, especially not after I saw him again. Something about him made me feel strong. Brave.” She winced. “If that makes sense?”
“It does,” Grace assured her. “That’s what love is supposed to do, make you feel stronger.”
She’d never claimed to love Loran, but Bella wondered if the people who loved her most could see what she was too afraid to admit aloud. The depth of her feelings for this man. “The more time I spent with him, the more obvious it was to me.”
“What’s that?” Ethan asked.
“The more I learned about the kind of man he is, the safer I felt. He told me about his family, his work ethic, his volunteer commitments and I just realized, this is someone who’s been through some stuff too. And he’s not afraid to put himself out there. So why should I be?”
Grace smiled. “I love that he helped you to see that. I was so worried that you’d never find happiness.”
“It’s not that I’d been unhappy before Loran.” She felt a niggling of doubt that felt a lot like dishonesty. “I liked my life. Was happy with my career choice, family, friends, business, but—”
“There was something missing,” Grace said. “You can’t tell me you didn’t want that connection with someone, Bell. I know you did.”
Did she? She’d never allowed herself to consider it because she didn’t think it was possible. “My life is better with him in it.” It was as simple as that. There was no comparison between her life pre and post Loran.
“Does that mean you’re in love with him?” Ethan asked.
She inhaled as she glanced up a family photo on their mantle. A candid shot taken over the holidays that encapsulated everything Bella wanted but had never dared hope for. A family. Safety. Security. The kind of love that defied words.
“I think I might be.”
The smile spread across Grace’s face as she gave her best friend a one-armed hug. “I’m so happy for you. Loran’s a great guy. And it’s obvious when he looks at you that he feels the same way.”
“But I’ve never done this before,” Bella said, feeling the panic set in. “Had a serious relationship. What if I screw everything up? It’s easy now, during the off season, when we can see each other all the time. But what happens when spring training starts and we’re apart. Will my mind starting playing tricks on me, making me doubt what we have again?”
“You just need to focus on building a strong foundation,” Grace said. “Before you have to be separated. If you’re confident in what you have by the time he has to leave, it’ll make it much easier.”
“I hope you’re right.” Bella wasn’t looking forward to saying good-bye to Loran. Even for a few weeks. Not to mention all the tearful good-byes that would follow, with every road trip.
“Hey, Mom and Dad invited us for dinner when we go to pick up the kids.” Ethan said. “She said she was going to call and invite you. Did you talk to her?”
“She left me a message,” Bella said. “I haven’t gotten back to her yet.”
“Come,” Ethan said. “And bring Loran.”
Bella already knew her parents loved Loran and would welcome him with open arms, but she hadn’t told them that they were a couple yet. When she considered backing out, she thought of the changes she was trying to make and said, “That’s a good idea. I’ll ask him.”
***
Loran was at the hospice, dropping off Stella’s yarn when she pointed to a seat next to her rocking chair and demanded he sit.
“Judging by that smile on your face I’d say things are going well with Bella,” she said, with a broad smile.
“And I think I have you to thank for it,” Loran said, setting his phone down on the small table between them. “Her talks with you, not to mention the journaling, have helped a lot. She says she's sorting through her feelings in a way she never has before.”
