Page 46 of Raw Honey
"Do you still have feelings for Sgt. Briggs?"
"I really don't know. I'm not sure if my feelings for Briggs are true, or if they come from shame and guilt. Right now, it's Hawk that I want. And when he finds out he's not going to want to have anything to do with me," I say, and the tears that I have been holding back for so long begin to fall.
"That's not true. He'll understand and so will Sgt. Briggs. You just need to talk to them both." Just then there is a knock at the door. Emma opens the door and Hawk is standing at the doorway, staring at me. The look on his face is one of total confusion. "I think I need to talk to Spike about something," Emma says as she turns toward the door. "You two need to talk." She looks over to me and mouths, "Talk to him!" And then she leaves the room.
Hawk stares at me intently while Emma slowly closes the door behind her.
"So, do you want to fill me in on what's going on with you?" he asks as he sits down on the bed next to me.
I know he needs to be told about my past and I have every intention of doing so, I just don't want to have this conversation now. But really, at this point, what choice do I have?
"Do you remember when I first came to the club?" I ask.
"Yeah, of course, I do. You were a mess. You had just gotten out of rehab and were still coping with your addiction."
"I was. You and the rest of the club knew about my addiction and the steps I had taken to overcome it. This club supported me and stood by me during some of my worst days."
"Yeah, we did. You're telling me stuff that I already know, babe. What you aren't telling me is why you are crying now."
I grab a tissue off the nightstand and wipe my eyes and blow my nose. It's not one of my more attractive moments, but this is Hawk. He's the man who has seen me at my worst and still wants to be with me. I pray that when I tell him the rest of this story he will still feel that way.
"Yes, I know. But you don't know everything from my past. There are things that I purposely left out because I didn't want your opinion of me to change. But you, more than anyone else, need to know these things. And since my past is about to come back and bite me in the ass, I need to tell you before that happens."
I proceed to tell him everything that I told Emma about Jack, my addiction, stealing, my ring, and not showing up for my own wedding and the abortion. I explain to him that I disappeared that night and never turned back until I ended up on the road outside of the clubhouse the day Ice found me.
When I finish talking, I wait for Hawk to say something. He's silent for what seems like an eternity, but it's probably only a couple of seconds. "Holy shit, babe, what in the hell made you think that I would think differently about you?"
"Um, I don't know, maybe because I did some pretty shitty things to my friends, my family, and my fiancé. Not to mention the fact that I was engaged to another man and almost married him—a man that has been a long-standing friend of this club. I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting, but that seems like a lot of shit to overlook."
He puts his arm around me and pulls me in close. "Honey, sweetheart, we all know how drugs can take over a person. Many of the things you did were because of the drugs. The important thing for all of us to remember is that you did the right thing by taking responsibility and getting help. You put your life back together. Nobody expects anything more from you, especially me."
"Really?"
"Babe, of course. What kind of guy would I be if I didn't understand what you went through? What kind of guy would I be if I blamed you for those actions?"
"Thank you!" I say as the tears start to fall again.
"Everything is going to be alright." He's quiet for a minute and then adds, "But I do have to know one thing."
"Sure, anything."
"Do you still have feelings for Briggs?"
I smile. "No, I don't. I think leaving him at the altar was a blessing in disguise."
He nods. "That's good. I really didn't want to have to shoot our number one ally on the force."
I chuckle, hug him, and give him a big kiss on the cheek. "You know, you really are something special."
"Of course I know that. It's about damn time you realized it. Now let's go back out and get this threat shit settled."
"Yes, sir!"
When we come back to the living room, Emma catches me and mouths, "Everything good?" I smile and nod.
