Page 45 of Raw Honey
No, no, no! I've managed to avoid him this long. Not now, where I have nowhere to hide!Trying to sway Hawk against that idea, I say, "Why would you even think about getting the police involved, Hawk? That's not you … and that's definitely not something Ice would do."
"I agree," Hawk says and I'm relieved for a moment. Then he throws me for a loop when he adds, "With Spike." He's quiet for a moment and then says, "Emma, I want you to think real hard. Is there something that we're missing? Did someone come into the house since the last time you were upstairs?"
I can't take any more. I definitely cannot face Jack. I run from the room and make a beeline to my room.Maybe they won't notice that I left and I can just stay here until he leaves. This can't be happening. It just can't. I'm not ready!
A few minutes later, I hear a knock at my bedroom door. "Honey? Are you ok?" Emma asks.
I have no choice but to open the door. I'm gonna have to face this sooner or later. Emma walks in and says, "Honey?"
"I'm right here," I say in the darkness.
"Are you ok? You seemed a little upset when Hawk mentioned calling Briggs."
"Emma, you have enough to worry about right now. You don't need to add my problems to the mix."
"Honey, you're my friend. Hawk has my situation under control. What's going on with you?"
"Oh, Emma, I don't know what to do." I sit down on the bed and sigh.
"Why don't you tell me and maybe I can help?"
"Remember when Hawk said that he was calling Sgt. Briggs?"
"Yes."
"I have a sketchy past with Sgt. Briggs."
"Sketchy? What could you have possibly done that's worse than the rest of us?"
I look at her sadly and say, "Trust me, it's worse."
"It can't be all that bad. Why don't you give me a shot? I won't say anything to the guys if you don't want me to."
"I know you won't, and it would really help to talk about it, but I don't want you to treat me differently because of it."
"Really?" she says. "These boys kill people, run illegal guns, and Lord knows what else. Are you a gunrunner?" I shake my head. "You didn't kill someone, did you?" I can't help the smile that comes across my face as I shake my head.
"Edinboro is my hometown. But when I was in my twenties, I left. I had a bad coke problem; really bad. I did some of the most unimaginable things to myself and other people. Things I don't want to relive or even talk about."
"Ok, go on," she urges.
"Briggs and I went to school together. We started out as really good friends, then we dated, and eventually, we were engaged. Up until that time, I'd done really well at hiding my drug problem. I would only shoot up when I was alone, after ensuring that I wouldn't be seeing anyone for a while. But after we got engaged and all the pressure started to build, the drugs began to take over my life. I lied to so many people. I stole money from my family, my friends, and even Briggs. I played so many cons just to get my next fix. And if the opportunity would have ever presented itself, I'm sure I would have killed for drug money too. I killed my unborn child because I was so strung out on drugs, I couldn’t handle having a having a baby in my state of despair."
"Honey, everyone has some problem or another that they're dealing with. Some are just worse than others. You had an addiction; something you were unable to control. I'm sorry about the abortion, but you were not in your right mind. Why would you beat yourself up about this?"
I don't answer her direct question but continue with my story, "The night before my wedding, I needed a fix so bad. I'd spent every last dime I had, borrowed from everyone I knew, and stole all the money I could get my hands on. On this particular night, pre-wedding jitters were getting the best of me and I had nothing. I was sitting on my bed and I looked down at my shaking hands. And there was my answer. My beautiful two-caret diamond engagement ring glistened on my left hand."
I look over at her, waiting to hear the words that I dread, but instead, she pulls me into a hug and says, "What happened next?"
"I went straight to a pawn shop and pawned my ring off for a measly $100 fix. I never showed up for my wedding. I just left Jack standing at the altar, waiting for me to walk down the aisle. When I sobered up enough to realize what I had done, I couldn't face anyone. So I packed my shit and left town. A month later, I killed our child. I have not seen or spoken to him since."
"Honey, you were young and you had an addiction. You've taken the first steps by admitting that you had a problem; you can't beat yourself up about them. I'm sure Sgt. Briggs will understand, but you need to talk to him. You need to explain to him."
"I doubt he would ever talk to me again."
"Does he know you've come back to town?"
"I doubt it. I have not kept in touch with any of my friends from that time. That's why I am always at the clubhouse. The MC has become a haven for me. When I told you that Ice took me in and saved my life, it wasn't an exaggeration. It's the truth."
