Page 149 of Lau Ahi
“You of all people know it’s not that simple.”
“What do you mean?”
“Other people’s peace shouldn’t be at your expense. I learned that a long time ago. You’re so used to not ruffling feathers. To not being the cause of worry that you want to keep it that way. I’ve been there. I’ve caused major dissension and tension in my family.” Her pretty face clouded, her eyes turning a flat brown and glistened with the precursor of tears.
“When you got married.”
She shook her head and fingered a dress that was in a rich indigo hue I’d considered for the reception. “When I wanted a divorce. These unions are not made lightly. Us agreeing to everything meant for life no matter how miserable we were making each other or making our son.”
My heart went out for her because although I knew she’d left Ori and caused him all kinds of grief I could tell that part of her was still messed up about it. And not only that, she seemed to be an incredibly soft woman who had never really found her footing in her family or in this life.
“What happened?”
She turned to me with glassy eyes that were blinking back tears; her truth trying to force out of her body. “I let things go on the way they were for a very long time but I just couldn’t anymore.”
“Was there a final straw?”
My curiosity was pushing this conversation beyond the bounds of polite conversation but I hoped to learn more about the woman who’d abandoned the man I was marrying so I could get further insight to him. No matter how much Ori pretended that he was an open book, he wasn’t. He would release excerpts from certain chapters and it was up to me to put that information into a framework that would make up what he was. I wasn’t sure if it was that he was guarded in life overall or if it was because he still didn’t completely trust me. Despite how badly I wanted his trust I knew that I would have to return the favor in kind and I was still hesitant to expose every part of me to him.
“The way myhusbandand I have to say that since I technically never divorced him, the way he was willing to do everything in his power to turn my son against my family.” Her tears dried up quickly, her brain quickly focusing on the anger those memories held instead of the disappointment. I knew that’s what fueled her and now I was wondering what had happened to Ori’s father.
“You mean the collective.”
She gave me a knowing smile proud of my protectiveness of what I was marrying into. “You can call them what they are dear. That hesitation wasn’t on your part, it was on mine.”
I shrugged knowing that I was just as guarded and needed her to know I took no offense to any of her hesitation. “I understand you have to feel me out.”
Her brows lifted almost arrogantly as she smiled at me. “That I did.”
“And the verdict?” My curiosity was piqued and given that I had little interaction with older women I wouldn’t be surprised if she found me lacking in some way. Part of me hoped she wouldn’t.
“I wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t passed.” Her smile was bright shining with more than the initial approval I’d been granted when we had lunch together. She reached over and affectionately tucked a stray curl behind my ear before she continued. “What I wouldn’t do is allow my son to be a victim of this game.”
This was far more information than she’d provided me at lunch and it gave me pause.
“Like you were.”
“Like I allowed myself to be. You see the women I know. The ones who would have gone to hell and slayed the devil if I would’ve reached out to them and told them I was in need. I didn’t. I didn’t reach out for their help because I was worried.”
“Pride?”
She pursed her lips as a nonverbal agreement to my assessment. “Some of that. Some of that was wanting to prove to them and to me that I was far stronger than I could imagine. Maybe it was dumb. Maybe I should’ve done something else sooner but I’ll never really know will I?”
“Do you have any regrets? About agreeing to the marriage in the first place, I mean?” This was more than curiosity right now. This was me being in similar shoes and wondering if I would be her in thirty-five years. Trying to make sense of a relationship I hadn’t sought out but now had become the center of my world.
“No. No matter how bad it was, and trust me it was theWar of the Rosesin that house. I never regretted doing it. Because it brought me my Ori. My light.” She pressed her hand against her chest as if her heart couldn’t hold the love she held for him.
And damn if I wasn’t close to feeling the same way.
“Then how could you leave him?” I shouldn’t be prodding like this. Not because it was impolite but because it was emotional. I was being defensive, for Ori, which meant that I was feeling something. Again, for Ori. His abandonment made meangry. The thought of him being a confused little boy who didn’t have anyone to look after him made me furious and despite the way he seemed to roll over the pain of his childhood I still wanted answers.
You’re getting too close to him.
That warning echoed loudly in my head, and I couldn’t refute it. Especially not standing next to his mother while we shopped for her dress to wear to our wedding. I’d allowed myself to slip into the fantasy of this happening and not being so bad and I couldn’t even see the walls of the fantasy I’d trapped myself in to begin to plan my escape.
Maybe it’s because you don’t want to.
“Because I knew I couldn’t be the mother he needed. Not while I was trying to figure out how to become the woman I always should’ve been. Just because something is far away doesn’t mean it stops giving you its light. It doesn’t stop being your reason to hope or to smile. Look at the sun. Its distance is so far away yet it still shines down on this earth and provides us with warmth and energy and is a huge factor of survival. Even the stars which are an innumerable number of miles away, still provide us light even in the darkest of nights. That’s the same thing with my son. Even if it was from a distance, he still gave me what I needed and I did my best to do the same.” Faith had spoken so beautifully, but I could still hear and see the sadness from her actions as if they were happening in real time.
