Page 80 of From Unwanted to Duchess
“Was it? Or was it because she makes you want to be less rigid? Less controlled?”
James said nothing.
“And the tenants,” Gideon continued. “I spoke with some of them while I was out riding. They adore her, yes, but they also said you’d changed. More patient. More willing to listen. One of them said you actually laughed at something Mr. Sweeting said. You. Laughing. With a farmer.”
“What is your point?”
“My point is that she has changed you for the better, and you’re terrified of it.”
James looked away. His friend was right, of course. Gideon was always right about these things.
Gideon tilted his head to the side. “After all, if she hadn’t truly changed you, why did you leave that beautiful maid to her own devices?”
James sat bolt upright. “You know about that?”
“Of course I do. I am no fool. Besides, I went back the following morning and asked her if you truly stayed with her, and she confirmed that you did not.”
He shook his head. He should’ve paid the woman more for her silence.
“So why didn’t you go with her?”
“I did not feel like it,” James replied. “Must a man jump at every skirt just because it is available? I think not.”
Gideon snorted. “Or maybe it felt wrong because you already had feelings for your wife?”
James sighed. “Very well, it felt wrong. I think of myself as a married man, even though the marriage is on paper only. But inany case, it does not matter. I must stay away from her. I must keep my distance. This is dangerous for both of us.”
Gideon groaned just as the waiter set down another drink in front of him. He picked it up and finished it in two gulps.
“You are making a mistake. Your wife clearly adores you and is willing to see past your peculiarities, and yet here you are, thinking of casting her off like yesterday’s news. What happened to the man who would always do the opposite of what his father wanted? Did you not join the militia because you wanted to, despite your father’s objections?”
It was true. His father had wanted him to join the army, make a hero out of him, but James had joined a local militia instead. That way, he could fulfill his duty to his country while also disappointing his father, which had been exactly what he had wanted to do at the time.
But that was before Marcus had died.
“All my life, I strived to do the opposite of what my father wanted,” he said. “That is true, because he did not care for me, and I did not care for him. But all of that changed when Marcus died. I became the heir. It is my responsibility to be an upstanding citizen, to be the best duke I can be, to fulfill my promises to my tenants and to myself. And I cannot do that if I am involved with a woman who muddies my thinking. Love is foolishness. I have always told you that.” He felt his heart beating faster as the blood pumped through him. “Do not forgetwhy Marcus was involved in a duel in the first place—his foolish love for that idiotic girl who didn’t even want him.”
“Must you always think that love is foolish and pointless and dangerous because your brother was a fool in love? Are you likely to take up arms for Frances? Is she likely to demand it of you?”
James paused, because the truth was, he would have. If that horse had been a highwayman, he would have fought him. He would not have thought twice about it.
And that was another thing that scared him. Frances was awakening feelings in him he had never felt before, the sort of feelings that would make a man lose control.
“But here’s the thing, James,” Gideon said quietly. “Your father… do you think he ever loved anyone enough to fear losing them?”
James looked up sharply.
“Do you think,” Gideon continued, “that your father ever cared about anyone besides himself? That he ever felt what you’re feeling right now?”
“I… No, I suppose not.”
“Then how can you become him? A man who doesn’t care cannot become a man who cares too much. You’re nothing like yourfather. You never were. The fact that you’re sitting here, terrified of losing your wife, proves it.”
James stared at his friend. He had never thought of it that way.
“I cannot continue to have her in my life,” he insisted, but with less conviction now. “The more time I spend with her, the more I care for her. And I cannot have that. That is not the life I want.”
“Is it perhaps a life you want, but are too afraid to have?” Gideon asked.
