Page 67 of Thorns and Ashes
I knew if we had this conversation, he’d dig in. No one else would have the guts to, but Tom isn’t just anyone.
“I’m not doing this.” I pull open the door, but Tom is there, pushing it shut and holding his ground. “Tom,” I warn, my voice low as all the rage I’ve been pushing down starts to come to the surface.
“I know you miss her. We all do, but you don’t get to stop living just because she died. I won’t let you.”
My teeth clench and grind as his hand slowly comes down on my shoulder.
“You deserve to be happy, Levi.”
“But I’m not,” I snap, shoving his arm off my shoulder and taking a few steps back as my breath comes out heavy. “I’m not happy, Tom. I’m angry! She’s gone! We had a whole life that we were promising to each other, and she fucking left me here.” My voice cracks as my body shakes. Slamming my hands onto the side of my truck, I drop my head between my arms and stare down at the ground.
“It should have been me, Tom,” I admit quietly, choking back the tears that threaten to spill. “It should have been me, and I’m so fucking angry,” I say through gritted teeth. “I don’t even know who I’m more angry with anymore, her or myself. I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t keep her safe, but she’s gone, and I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how I’m supposed to care about someone without feeling like I’m betraying Krystal and the life we planned together.”
My heart pounds in my chest as I look up at Tom for answers. “And I can’t go through that again... I can’t lose another piece of myself like that. I won’t make it next time.”
“There won’t be a next time, Brother. Not everything ends in tragedy. You loved Krystal until her last breath, and even now, but it’s okay to make room for someone else. Sometimes it works out better than you could’ve ever hoped,” he says, eyes locked on mine, believing every word.
If only I could share his beliefs.
“I can’t do it, man.” I shake my head, anger still coming off me in waves, but not at him. “I’m so happy for you and that you have the life you always wanted, but the life I wanted is gone. I don’t know if I’m ready to start imagining another one.”
“Go fix the door. Keep her safe. It’ll work out.” Tom nods and heads back inside, having said all he can.
I get in the truck and stare at the steering wheel, taking deep, calming breaths before hightailing it out and back to my place. Ellie’s paw comes over and lands on my leg with a soft whimper, like even she knows my mind is a wreck and there isn’t anything I can do about it.
After a couple of hours, I’ve removed the piece of garbage that was a sad excuse for a door, and replaced it with one that’s brand spankin’ new. To say this was more work than I expected it to be would be an understatement. I prepared the opening, made sure the new door is level, insulated and sealed the frame, and installed new hardware. I even made sure to match the white paint around the trim to mine. I did it all myself, and although I’m happy that Tris will be safe now when I’m not here, all this work has done nothing to alleviate my anger. If anything, I’m more angry than I was before because with every step, I’ve been forced to acknowledge that I wouldn’t be doing this for anyone else.
I’m doing thisfor her.
Tom was right.
I glance over at Ellie, who watches me, front paws crossed, from her dog bed on our porch.
“What?” I grumble, standing and brushing my hands off. “You’re a great guard dog, but you didn’t stand a chance against that raccoon.”
She ducks her head under her paw like she’s embarrassed that I’m right, or maybe it’s all in my head.
After cleaning up, I grab a bottle of Jack and pour myself a glass. Rocking back in my porch chair, I can’t wrap my mind aroundanything solid. I sip my glass, hoping its burn will soothe the raw wound I re-opened today. Finally admitting that I’m angry with not just myself but with Krystal, too? It hurts. I meant what I said about not wanting to go through this ever again, but what does that make me? I want to drown myself in this whiskey because, as loud as my mind is, nothing is making sense. There’s no clear answer. It’s not about whether Tris has feelings for me at this point. It’s about the fact that I know I somehow, against all fucking odds, have developed feelings for her, and I don’t want them.
I throw the amber liquid back down my throat, then pour myself another glass. A really mature way of dealing with life’s problems, I know, but this shit is cheaper than therapy. My heart feels heavy as I swirl my drink in my glass and remember all of the times Krystal, over the years, would find projects for me to work on, things she wanted me to fix. I was her personal handyman whom she loved putting to work.
“It’s my own private show every time you pick up a hammer.”
By the time Rory’s car comes traveling up our driveway, I’ve lost track of time, and half the bottle beside me is empty. Ellie rushes toward Tris to greet her as she climbs the porch. Rory waves and makes a U-turn to leave, but not before rolling down the window.
“I’ll be back with Ainsley in a little over an hour!” she yells. “Tonight’s attire isSexy Bad Ass Birthday Bitch! I’d better see glitter!”
Tris laughs and waves her off, and I choke on my whiskey.
“Are you okay?” she stammers.
“Yeah,” I croak, taking another sip.
“Day drinking?”
“Appears so,” I say without looking at her, eyes trained on the mountains in the distance, at least that’s how it appears.
Little does she know that all my attention is fully on her. From my peripheral I see her heart-shaped lips press together as quicklyas her brows furrow and relax again into a neutral expression. A fast exchange of emotions that I’m not meant to notice, but of course I do anyway. She turns to her door and freezes with her hand mid-air, blinking rapidly and tilting her head.
