Page 66 of Thorns and Ashes
All she said was my name, but I felt the weight of what was to follow slam into me like a freight train. My mouth went dry, and my heart rate spiked. I know she could sense it, and that’s why she hesitated. Over these past few months, I’ve learned that for Tris, being vulnerable doesn’t come naturally. For her, trusting someone and allowing her walls to come down takes more than just courage. It takes going against her every instinct. Her past has taught her that people are unreliable, and believing that means she’s always ready for disappointment.
I don’t want to be another person in her life that disappoints her, but that look... It scared the shit out of me. I finished my food as quickly as I could and left the cafe like there was a fire under my ass.
The air between us shifted a few weeks back. That‘what if’I’d been ignoring? It’s gone from a thought to late nights and looks I can’t write off anymore. She’s been avoiding me, as if I couldn’t tell, but until today, I didn’t mind. Space is good when you’re not sure what the hell you’re doing, lusting after a woman while missing another. I can’t even look at her without an overwhelming sense of guilt following close behind. The night she locked herself out, I practically choked on it. She was so close, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to pull her into me. When she leaned into me, I almost lost control because I knew she felt it too. After breaking down her door and returning inside, I had a panic attack that took me an hour to recover from.
Now, after an epic battle at the house, measuring the door frame, and picking up all the pieces I’ll need from the local hardware store, my adrenaline is pumping as I pull up to Tom’s house. I fight past my nerves that feel like they’re fried at this point and hop out of my truck as Tom steps out. I was hoping to shoot him a text so he couldn’t ask too many questions, but I guess my luck is nowhere to be found today.
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” Tom asks as I round the back of my truck and open the bed. When he sees my face, his steps falter, and his brows crease in the middle. “You alright?”
“I’m fan-fucking-tastic.”
I don’t even look at him. I can’t. I’m a whirlwind of contradicting emotions right now: guilt, anger, shame, fear, desire, and hope. If I stop moving now, I’ll have to confront them, and I’m not ready. Instead, I stomp toward the shed where I know he keeps his tools. After gathering everything I’ll need, I carry it back to the truck. I can feel Tom’s eyes on me as I offload it all into the bed, and I already know he’s not going to let me leave without having this conversation. Except, he’s nowhere near prepared for the morning that I’ve had.
“Right, and I’m Malibu Barbie,” he deadpans. “What’s going on?”
“What’s going on? Hmm, let me think.” I scratch at my beard, pretending to have forgotten. “Let’s see. Did you know that the raccoons around here know how to wield knives?”
His face scrunches in pure unadulterated confusion, but I don’t stop there.
“Oh yeah, and they know how to square up, too. Those little shits aren’tlittle either, my man. I’m 6’4, and this asshole came up to my waist. Ellie nearly shit herself, and not knowing if it was feral with rabies, I had to yell at her to go inside while I went to battle like some type of gladiator from medieval times. Thank God Tris’s coat rack doubles as a weapon or else I’d have been shit out of luck and you’d be getting a nine-one-one call about me bleeding out from stab wounds for getting between a raccoon and a damn cup-of-noodles.”
“I don’t think gladiators were from medieval times...” Tom responds calmly.
“Whatever,” I huff, slamming the door closed on the bed of the truck.
“Why is there a whole door in your truck?”
“Were you not listening at all?”
“You’re making a door for the raccoon?”
I let out a low, guttural huff, to which he laughs.
“Okay, I’m kidding.” He shrugs. “So the door is for Tris?” He raises a brow, and I look away.
“It’s notforher. It’s for her duplex. I mean, it’ll behers,but that’s not why I’m doing it. I—” I stammer, running a hand through my hair. “I can’t be coming home wrestling raccoons or worried that the next time it orsomething elsemakes it through her door, I won’t be there to protect her.”
Tom’s eyes widen, and he pokes his tongue against the inside of his cheek like he’s chewing back his words. “Uh-huh.”
“She needs a door. This should have been taken care of months ago by the landlord, actually.”
“If she hadtoldCallie, I’m sure it would have been.”
“Of course, Tris isn’t going to ask someone for help. She’s too damn stubborn for that,” I shout, arms flailing. “Everyone’s hard on her. So she’s out here not wanting to be an inconvenience and putting her life in danger every day because of it.”
“Because of the killer raccoons?” Tom taunts.
“I’m going to punch you.”
Tom chuckles. “Take a breath. I’m just messin’ around. I get it.”
I raise my brow, stepping back slightly.
“Really, I do,” Tom says in a softer tone before he pauses, choosing his next words carefully. “You care about her, and you’re upset because even though it’s been pretty obvious to most of us, for some reason, you’re only now accepting it.”
“I can’t do this.” My feet crunch the gravel beneath it as I head for the driver’s side door.
“Do what, Levi? Have this conversation? Care about someone? Understand that you don’t deserve to be alone for the rest of your life?” Tom pushes, following me around the opposite side of my truck.
