Page 76 of Searching for Beautiful
“It wasn’t. ”
“It could have been. And maybe that doesn’t matter. What does is that she’s gone. I’m scared… I’m scared it’s my fault. Because I didn’t press charges. ” Or I didn’t tell when I saw him or when he called me. Who knows if those things would have mattered, but maybe the attention would have made Jason more nervous. Maybe it would have kept him from trying to take advantage of someone the way he did me.
Dad sighs. “Then it would be my fault, too. The right thing to do is never completely clear. We just have to try our best. And that doesn’t mean it’s your fault. ”
I think maybe he’s right. When I thought I was in love with Jason, I would have done anything to be with him. Maybe his age wouldn’t even have chased me away. Not if he really loved me. That’s not a good thing, but it’s an honest one. “People aren’t all good or bad, I don’t think. ” Not me, Jason, Christian, my friends, my parents. None of us. We’ve all done things that are wrong and things that are right. In the end, that’s part of being human. Some of our actions are just a little worse than others.
“No. I can promise you they’re not. ”
I think about everything that’s happened since we lost Mom. How he pushed me away. How I pushed my friends away before, and now I’ve pushed Christian. Christian was right. I’m not taking my life back. I’m not fighting. Jason is still winning. And maybe… Just maybe he wasn’t all bad, either. It’s not something I will ever know. But maybe he just wanted to feel loved and didn’t know how to find it the way he needed to. Just like me. He’s responsible for his actions, and I’m responsible for mine.
Maybe if I could have been stronger, he wouldn’t have been in that car. Or that girl wouldn’t have been with him. Maybe she would still be alive, maybe not. There’s no way of knowing. It could have been the first day they met, or he could have been tricking her the same way he did me. Either way, I refuse to stand by anymore. Refuse to let people get hurt because I wasn’t strong enough to do something. Even though Jason is dead, I want to fight, for myself, for others, to be happy. To see all the beautiful in the world and to find it in my own. Not to wait for someone like Jason to give it to me.
I can be my own beautiful.
“I have to go,” falls out of my mouth.
“What? Where?” Dad sounds panicked.
I walk away and he follows me. “To the center. Emery never told me where she lives, but she could be in trouble. She’s been seeing her ex-boyfriend when she’s not supposed to, and he’s hurt her. ”
A little flash of something I can’t read blips in his eyes. Pride maybe? “I’ll go with you,” he says.
We get ready and go to the center. The counselor is s
urprised to see us, but leads the way to her office. Dad holds my hand as I tell them about Emery and Max. She might hate me for it and though it will hurt, I can’t regret this. I know in my heart it’s the right thing to do. For Emery. For her baby.
Valerie thanks me and says they will be in contact with not only Emery’s foster parents, but Max’s probation officer.
“You did the right thing. He’s dangerous. You could have just saved your friend’s life. Hers or her baby’s,” she tells me.
“Thank you. ”
I’m scared for Emery. Scared for our friendship, but for the first time since losing Mom—maybe the first time in forever—I feel like I’m becoming the person I’m supposed to be.
“Valerie?”
“Yes, Brynn,” she replies.
“Maybe we can plan an extra session. I need… I want to talk. ”
Dad squeezes my shoulder.
“Absolutely, Brynn. I would love nothing more than to listen. ”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Before
“Christian moved. I can’t believe he just left and didn’t even say good-bye. ” I cry into the phone with Ellie. Mom and Dad aren’t home. It’s their anniversary and they went to dinner and a movie. I know if I call them, they’ll come home, but I don’t want to ruin their night.
“I’m so sorry, Brynn. Boys suck. ”
“I know it sounds stupid, but I thought maybe we would be like Mom and Dad…”
“It doesn’t sound stupid. I’m going to get cookies and I’m coming over, okay? I’ll tell Diana to come, too. ”
“Your mom said you couldn’t. She said they’re having a dinner party. ”
