Page 75 of Searching for Beautiful
Author: Nyrae Dawn
“Of course. You’re my daughter. I will always believe you. ”
His daughter. His. Even after everything, he doesn’t wish he didn’t have me. “Then why…” I almost stop, but realize I want to keep going. I can’t let myself hold back anymore—hold things in. “Why didn’t you tell me that? I needed you to say it. ”
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. I hate that I’m hurting him, but maybe this is the way to heal us both.
“I’ve really failed you since your mother died, and for that I will never have enough words to tell you I’m sorry. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust you, Brynn. It was because I couldn’t trust myself not to fail you. I let your mother down already, and then I failed you both when I didn’t protect you. ”
A mixture of emotions swirls around inside me, like clay on a pottery wheel or paints being stirred with a brush. The part of me that wishes he could have saved me, blending with the one that knows he never could have. I’m not sure anyone can really save someone else. We have to do it ourselves.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I say. “No one could have saved me but me. ”
Tears wet my dad’s eyes. He pulls me to him, squeezing me tightly. So very tightly. “I love you, dolcezza. I should have been better. I should have paid attention to you, instead of losing myself. I owed you. I owed your mom. We both loved you so much. ”
I shake my head. Speak into his chest. “I sat in my room making pottery while she died. She told me she wasn’t feeling well, but I didn’t listen. I was mad at her because she wouldn’t take me shopping for a dress to wear to the stupid dance. I went out in my room and didn’t take care of her and she died! At least I could have made it so she didn’t go alone. ”
Dad’s voice is maybe the firmest I’ve ever heard it when he says, “No. ” He again makes me look at him. “Don’t you do that. It’s not you’re fault, Brynn. Do you hear me? You couldn’t have saved her. You couldn’t have known. She hadn’t been feeling well for a couple weeks, but I didn’t push it. I didn’t think anything of it, either. And who knows if the fact that she hadn’t been feeling well had anything to do with the aneurysm, but I will regret that until the day I die. Still, we couldn’t have known, okay?”
I can’t stop myself from listening to him. From believing him. The strength is back in Dad. The determination. And it reminds me of who he’d been before she died. It’s impossible not to let his words be truth.
I thought last night I’d cried all my tears, but I didn’t. This time we cry them together. Hug and tell each other we’re sorry. He says he loves me and I know he does. And we’re okay. I know from now on, we’ll be all right.
When the tears finally dry, Dad tells me, “I have something for you. A memory gift. ”
I thought he’d forgotten. When I didn’t get one yesterday, I’d thought we wouldn’t do it without her. My heart races at that. This was Mom’s thing. Her most favorite thing in the world.
Dad stands before helping me to do the same. He goes to his room and comes back quickly with a red-wrapped package. The paper goes quickly. Mom use to tease me for being impatient. She unwrapped her gifts slowly so she could savor it. Me? I ripped right in. A part of me always believed the quicker you got to something, the more amazing it would be. When it’s almost open, I wonder if maybe she was right. If I tried to open my packages too fast, wanting too much, when I should just savor every moment.
So the last piece comes off slowly. I gasp when I see it.
“It’s more my memory than yours,” he whispers.
I actually have to grab the wrist of the hand holding the gift so I don’t drop it. It’s a picture. One of Mom I don’t remember seeing before. And it’s me, I’m guessing. There’s a swaddled baby in her arms, the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on her face. We’re outside, the sun bright. Wind flies through her hair, making her look like a movie star on set.
She’s incredible. She’s happy. She’s beautiful.
“That was the day we brought you home. ” Dad stands up and walks over to me. “You were her world. She never wanted anything as much as she wanted you, Brynn. She was heartbroken when we couldn’t have a baby, but then she found you and she told me she knew that everything that happened was to lead her to you. That she was meant to be your mom and it made all the pain worth it. Being a mom to you was all she ever wanted. ”
Tears fall freely down my face now. They splash against the glass of the picture, but somehow none of them hit her.
“She was so beautiful,” I tell him, trying to talk around the ball in my throat.
“La mia bella signora. ” With his finger, he touches her through the glass.
“I loved her so much,” I whisper.
“Me too, dolcezza. And I love you, too. ”
He does. I know he really does.
“I love you, Dad. ”
We’re quiet for a minute before I ask another question. “Do you think it’s normal to be a little sad about Jason? I mean, not because I still care but—”
“Of course it is. You’re human, Brynn, and you have a big heart. Death is always sad. Especially…”
“Because of the girl. What if that had been me?”
