Page 72 of Searching for Beautiful
Just like Max and Emery.
I look at Christian and everything inside me starts to break. To hurt and want and feel the need to run at the same time. I don’t want him to be a lie. I don’t want him to hurt me. Going to that dance gives him the chance to let me down, and I don’t think I can handle that from him. To taint the happiness of what we shared at our first dance together.
I never expected Jason to hurt me. Emery never expected it from Max. That means Christian could do the same. People’s kindness doesn’t come with guarantees.
“Go to the dance with me, Bryntastic. I like you. I want…I don’t know, more than what we are. ”
More. What kind of more? The kind Jason wanted? Diana and Ellie both planned to have sex with their boyfriends after a dance. It’s just what people do. I can’t give Christian that kind of more.
“You can do this,” he says.
No I can’t. I was mad at her over a stupid dress for a dance when she died.
His simple words knock me over the edge. Hurt me, though they don’t have the right to. Because I thought he wanted to go to the dance with me. Not to fix me. “I’m not your sister. ”
His eyes narrow slightly as he looks at me. “I’m pretty sure I’m aware of that. ”
“Then why are you trying to fix me? Trying to save me won’t change things with her. ” I push off the couch, Christian right behind me.
“First of all, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Going to the dance has nothing to do with Angelica, and second, stop lying to yourself. It’s not working on me. You know damn well this has nothing to do with my sister. You’re just scared. God, Brynn, you’re scared of everything. ”
Whipping around, I let all my anger come out. “You know what? Screw you, Christian! We can’t all be like you. I can’t just push away the past, pretend it never happened and stroll through like nothing’s a big deal the way you can!” I thought he understood. I thought he cared. My whole body aches, hurts from the inside out.
“What are you talking about? That’s not what I mean. ”
“You might not have meant it, but that’s what you do. You talk about what you read and what you think people should do as though you have all the answers. We can’t all be as strong as you. We can’t all just get over it. ”
“You think it was easy?” Christian raises his voice. “I had to work for it. I thought you had it in you to work, too. ”
It’s always a lie. They’re always nice in the beginning. Emery’s words fuel my anger because they’re true.
“By going to the dance with you? That’s the answer? When you only want to save me. ”
Christian shakes his head and grabs his guitar off the couch. “If that’s really how you see me, then I don’t know what I was thinking wanting to go to the dance with you. Dios. I told you I had to work up the nerve to ask you to dance when we were kids. You were the one I missed when we left. I thought I saw something different in you. Hell, I don’t know what I thought, but obviously we’ve never been on the same page. ”
Christian pushes around me and opens the door. “I never wanted to fix you, Brynn. There’s nothing to ‘fix. ’ And it’s not like I believed going to the dance with me would save you. But I thought you might want to. I thought you might be ready to fight for your life back. Even if it isn’t with me. ”
Author: Nyrae Dawn
Without another word—without even looking back at me—Christian walks through the door, closing it behind him.
For the second time today, I’m left stunned. Unsure of what happened, and unsure of where to go from here. Lost and alone, just like before.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Now
The next couple days before Christmas break are torture. They’re even worse than those first days at school at the beginning of the year. Not because no one says hi to me—people do. Ellie and Diana still don’t talk to me, but to everyone else, I’m old news. The whole situation is in the past. Something they’re starting to forget, but I can’t let myself enjoy it. I’m trapped in a bubble, alone where no one can reach me. That’s exactly how I feel. I miss Christian. I miss his laugh and his jokes and his guitar and gummy bears.
I miss my friend.
And I also miss the feeling of his eyes on me. The bubble in my stomach and the warmth that spreads across my skin when he touches me. Which means I was falling for him. Falling for another boy when I swore I never would again. That knowledge should make me ecstatic that we’re not talking, glad I dodged the bullet, because Emery was right—they are all nice in the beginning. But it doesn’t. It leaves me feeling even more alone. Like the bubble got thicker, or maybe like it’s made of some kind of bulletproof glass that protects me against feelings and friendship.
Why? Because it’s safer to pull away.
But safer doesn’t feel very good anymore.
Emery weighs on my mind. I sit in the center every day after school waiting for her to show up. Waiting for an answer to come to me about what to do. To tell or not to tell?
