Page 73 of Searching for Beautiful
God, I miss Mom. She would know what to do. She would help Emery, but she’s gone and I’m alone. Obviously I’m not good at fixing much of anything.
Maybe Dad could be here… Maybe Christian would have been, too…
Going to another dance is a betrayal to Mom, though.
I’m drowning in my loneliness again. In this dark room that I can’t find my way out of, all the air getting sucked out around me.
Emery responds to my texts, but they’re just short, clipped answers that she’s fine. Spending time at home and hasn’t felt like coming to the center. I have a feeling she means she hasn’t felt like being around me. I’m the one who pushed her when for all these months, I haven’t wanted anyone to push me.
Irony sucks.
…
“You were quiet at Nona’s yesterday. ” It’s the day after Christmas. We always spend Christmas with Dad’s mom. We have for my whole life. We’ll have sauce and she’ll laugh her loud laugh and talk about the good old days growing up in New York.
I used to love it. Yesterday, I didn’t let myself. Surprise, surprise. I’m seeing a pattern here. “Yeah. ”
“Brynn. ” Dad leans against the couch where I’m sitting, pretending to watch TV. “Did something happen? Christian hasn’t been around. ”
It’s strange hearing that come out of Dad’s mouth. Before he didn’t want Christian here, wanted me to avoid any guy as if they were the plague (or Jason), but now he’s concerned because Christian hasn’t been around? “They’re gone for the holiday. ” Which means I don’t even have Brenda—not that I’d feel right going to Christian’s mom after everything.
“Before that…”
“It’s fine. ”
“Are you sure? You can—you can talk to me, you know. ”
It’s what I’ve wanted. What I’ve been begging for from him for so long, yet I can’t make myself say it. Don’t know what to even tell him. God, I’m tired of being so weak, but I have no idea how to change it. There should come a point where realizing something is the key—where it’s all that matters and once you catch on to something, it all gets better. Instead I’m sitting here with this knowledge and can’t force myself to figure out what to do about it. “I’m fine. ” I push to my feet.
“Brynn—”
“We have breaking news!” A reporter on the TV interrupts the show I wasn’t really watching and catches my attention. “We’re at the scene of a major accident that happened earlier today on Highway 301. Reports have come in that local baseball star Jason Richter was driving the vehicle at high speeds when it went off the road and hit a tree. ”
Major accident. Jason Richter, Jason Richter, Jason Richter.
I never would have noticed that name before, but now it’s engraved into my memory. Accident. Jason’s been in an accident.
My dreams flare up in my mind, making me dizzy, and my legs go weak under me. I collapse, but Dad’s arms wrap around me, catching me. I’m not sure why this is hitting me so hard, but there’s this loud fuzz in my ears that’s only broken by the reporter.
The image of Jason that last time I saw him hits me. His mint and cigarettes when he stepped close.
“According to police, the vehicle was traveling at high speeds when it lost control on one of the curves. There was a female passenger in the vehicle with him, but due to her being a minor, no name has been released yet. Both occupants of the car were dead at the scene. ”
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
They’re both dead. Jason is dead. A girl is dead. Due to her being a minor…
Another girl, just like me.
The fuzz takes over again. I don’t hear anything else. Just my pulse mixing with the noise and throbbing in my head. The cries ripping out of me with so much strength, they tear me apart. A girl I didn’t know has died with Jason. He could have lied to her like he did me. Maybe she thought she loved him and he loved her. Maybe she just trusted Jason like he always told me to do. The way I did. And now because of that, she’s dead.
“Shh. It’s okay, dolcezza. I have you. I’m here. I have you. ” Dad repeats the words over and over as the tears keep coming. I’m holding him so tight, my nails dig into his skin, but he doesn’t pull away. Doesn’t do anything but comfort me. Tell me he loves me and that everything is going to be all right. A weird thought pops into my head and I try to remember if I hugged him like this when Mom died. If I cried this much and let him hold me and tried to hold him, too.
“She died… She’s dead. ” I don’t know if I’m talking about Mom or the girl. Both, I think. A wreck flashes behind my eyes but I see me. See blood on my face as Jason’s in the car. But it’s really her. Another girl, but I can’t see her because I don’t know who she is.
