Page 63 of Searching for Beautiful
“So, we’re going out as friends, huh?”
I nod, embarrassed to look at him. “For now,” I add at the last second, because if I can get my head straight—if I can mend my heart—I don’t think there’s another boy I’d rather date than Christian.
As Christian walks by me, his hand brushes mine slowly. And I let him. Savor him. I don’t go back inside until his door closes.
When I do, Dad’s sitting on the couch. The urge to just walk upstairs is there. Not that I want to, but it’s just habit now. We don’t spend time together like we used to, but I stop myself.
“Thanks, Dad. For understanding. For letting me hang out with Christian. ”
Tears pool in his eyes when he says, “I love you, Brynn. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’m trying. ”
“I know,” I tell him. And really, I do.
…
“Jason, you’re going too fast. Please slow down. ”
“Come on, you trust me, baby, don’t you? You know I love you. I won’t let anything happen to you. ” He smiles at me and I feel it. Feel like he will protect me and like he loves me.
“I know. I love you, too. ”
“That’s my girl. ” As soon as the words leave his mouth, he pushes harder on the gas pedal. The car goes faster and faster as we take turn after turn. Tires screech. Jason laughs as my right hand grips the door.
“Jason, I’m scared. ”
“I thought you trusted me. You said you trusted me. No one in my life trusts me. I thought you were different. ”
Another fast curve. “I am! I’m different. You know I believe in you. ”
“Prove it,” he says as he goes faster. I bite my tongue to keep quiet. Not to ask him to slow down. The bitter taste of blood fills my mouth, but I tough it out. Tough it out for Jason.
He looks at me and smiles and that’s when I feel the love from him. Then his door opens. He’s laughing as he jumps out of the car and I slam into a tree.
Just like that, I’m awake. It’s been so long since I had a dream like that. My heart races, and I feel like I could throw up.
Things with Jason had been bad, but not that bad. He didn’t take my feelings into consideration. He used my need for acceptance against me. I see that now, but he wasn’t the cruel, vicious man he is in my dreams.
But he could have been. One day, he could have been, and I don’t know that I would have tried to stop him. That’s what scares me the most. I’m sure Max wasn’t mean to Emery at first, either.
Pushing into my slippers, I grab my phone and go downstairs. It’s silly and ridiculous. It’s two in the morning, but I trust Brenda and know she won’t mind my text.
I nee
d to talk.
I’ll be right there, mija.
“I’m sorry,” I say as soon as she steps outside.
“No reason to be. ” Brenda grabs the chair off the porch and brings it to the fence. I do the same with one of ours and we stand there, on either side of the fence looking at each other.
“I had a dream…about Jason. He’s my ex-boyfriend. He lied to me. ” My words are just the tip of the iceberg, and I have a feeling she knows that.
“I’m sorry. I know how hard that can be. How hard all relationships can be. Even for adults, we struggle with them. It’s even tougher for people your age. ”
We’re both quiet for a minute. I’m not surprised when she opens her mouth and says the real reason I called her out here tonight. The reason I’m scared. “You’re going out with Christian today. ”
I nod. “I like him and I’m scared to. I don’t want to like another boy ever again. ” Tears start their descent down my face, picking up speed and going faster and faster.
