Page 7 of Searching for Beautiful
“Hey, man. ” Todd hits his arm. “That’s not cool. ”
“No,” I say, “but maybe I don’t want him to meet you. ” The words fall out of my mouth, unplanned. Ian looks shocked. Even though it’s wrong, it fuels me forward. “He actually asked to meet you guys. ” Shut up, shut up, shut up. Still, my mouth keeps going. “I just…” I look away. “Want to keep him to myself a little longer. ”
This isn’t what Mom would do. The whole time I stand here, I realize that. It does nothing to stop me, though. I’m mad and disappointed in myself.
“Yeah, right. ” Ian stands up.
Words struggle to form clearly in my mind. How to relate to my friends right now, how to be a part of them and Jason. But as my eyes scan the room, seeing the way no one will look at me besides Ian, I realize none of them believes me. It hammers home how we’re suddenly on opposite sides when we never were before. The urge to look away hits me, too, to find a way to erase their doubt. Without another word, I storm out of the room. None of them try to stop me.
Chapter Five
Now
“Oh look, your friends are here,” Dad says when we pull into the driveway. My heart stutters at the sight of Diana and Ellie standing on my porch. Ellie’s hair looks blonder, like she’s been spending every second in the sun. She bleaches it sometimes, but I never really thought she had to. It always looks shiny and perfect, hanging down her back.
Diana’s dark hair is in all those tiny braids she wears every summer. Her “summer look,” she calls it. I see little hints of purple
and know she must have weaved some of her favorite color in. Diana has these awesome bright-green eyes that everyone notices. Her already-dark skin is even darker, telling me that they probably have been out and about all summer.
Without me. And I deserve it.
“I forgot, I need to pick something up for dinner at the store. Why don’t you go and visit for a bit? You know, get back to normal. I’ll be home in a little while. ” Dad pats my leg. He’s trying to be helpful—I get that—but he’s not. I’m scared to be alone with them, because I know they’re upset with me. They don’t get what happened, but it’s hard to talk about it. Even I’m still trying to make sense of it in my head.
“Okay. ” I stand on the street until Dad’s car is out of sight, hoping the reprieve will kill my nerves. I study our last name, De Luca, on our mailbox. I never got that, why people put their names on their house or their mailboxes, announcing to the whole world who lives there. Mom loved it, though. She was so proud to be married to Anthony De Luca. For her and Dad to give me all the things she never had.
When I know I can’t stand here any longer, I turn and walk up to my porch. “Hey. ” The three of us stand there for what feels like an eternity, looking anywhere except at one another.
“Hey,” Ellie finally says, shuffling her feet.
“Hi,” Diana adds afterward.
Neither of them can meet my eyes, and I wonder if it’s because they feel guilty or if they’re just too angry at me.
“You guys wanna come in or something?” I ask. Please let them say yes. Let them come inside, hug me, and tell me everything will be okay. That they know Jason is a jerk. That they believe me. That we can be friends again and they forgive me for everything I’ve done.
Diana bites her lip, looking at the porch, the swing, anywhere except at me. One of the black-and-purple braids hangs over her shoulder and I concentrate on that as she speaks. “Are you really pressing charges? That’s what everyone’s saying. I mean, you wanted to have sex with him, right? He didn’t force you?”
Everyone? Of course everyone knows. That’s how it goes in a small Oregon town like ours. “No, he didn’t force me…I loved him. ” It’s true. I wanted to lose my virginity to Jason. At first I was nervous, but I thought he loved me. I thought that was the way to give him back a little of what he’d given me. “But—”
“And now you’re trying to get him thrown in jail?” Ellie asks. “I don’t understand that. I mean, if he forced you—”
“No. No, I’m not. We’re not pressing charges. It was my dad’s idea, but I told him I don’t want to. ” I lean against the door, playing with the gold doorknob just because I need something to do, anything to help me block out the thoughts in my head. I did want to have sex with Jason but that doesn’t make it right. He was still older. He still lied.
“What happened to you?” Diana whispers. “I mean, I understand about your mom, but it’s like you’re a totally different person. Why did you cut us off? We’ve been friends forever and you ignored us. You lied to us. And Ian… You broke his heart, Brynn. ”
“Ian broke up with me. ” That’s the one thing they all got wrong. Not that I don’t understand why he did it, that time. I’d blown him off and didn’t pay any attention to him, but still. Out of all the replies I can give to her accusations, I know it’s the least important, and I want to take it back immediately. But it’s true.
Ian and I were always breaking up and getting back together. Most of the time he did the dumping, too. Our relationship was never like Mom and Dad’s. Like Ellie and Diana have with their boyfriends. I never thought he loved me like I did Jason. “And I’m sorry I lied about some of it. It’s not all what you think, though. I didn’t lie about—” My voice cracks. A slight wind blows, making the leaves on the tree in my front yard rustle.
Author: Nyrae Dawn
“Now you’re sorry? When everything falls down around you? How are we supposed to believe that? All you’ve done is lie lately. You didn’t want us to know about Jason. Why would you do that if you didn’t know how old he was?”
My heart starts to thunder. One lie. I don’t know what to do or say. If I tell them I didn’t know, it just looks like I’m covering. “He told me no one could see us together. He said he couldn’t meet you guys and I couldn’t tell anyone about him. ”
“Pfft, but you did. You told us all about him. You told us you had this awesome guy who you weren’t ready to introduce us to!” Ellie shakes her head.
It was stupid to lie. Stupid to be so insecure. I get that. Dropping my head back I close my eyes. I need to make them believe. I need them.
