Page 41 of Searching for Beautiful
She walks toward the fence, and I do the same.
“Couldn’t sleep. I felt like a little fresh air. ” Which isn’t the truth at all. I came out here looking for her because I want her to tell me what to do. To help me figure out all the mishmashed thoughts in my head. The most important being, am I ready to try to move forward? To try to come out of the shell I’ve built around myself? To light not only my love of pottery, but also the flame of my whole life?
It’s a scary, scary thought, and honestly, I’m not even sure what that would entail, or if it’s possible, or where all these thoughts are suddenly coming from, but for once I don’t feel like screaming, and I want to hold on to that.
“And I’m ruining it with my smoke. ”
“You should quit,” tumbles out of my mouth. The light from my porch makes it so I can see her expression, and there’s no annoyance at my statement.
She doesn’t reply, though. “So, my son says he was over with you this evening? I hope he made up for sleeping through breakfast. ”
“Umm, yeah. I saw a mouse and screamed and he came over to check on me. Then he just played his guitar while I worked on my pottery. ”
Brenda laughs softly. “I’m glad to see you guys are spending time together. ”
“We’re not! Spending time together, I mean. ” We’re not. I’m not spending time with any guys that way. Never again. “We’re just friends. I mean, we’re not even friends. ” Her frown makes me reword. “I mean, we’re kind of friends, but…” I really, really need to shut up.
“Relax. I didn’t mean anything by my comment. Whether you’re friends or not, that’s okay, but if I can be honest with you for a second, mija…and I don’t say this to hurt you, but I think you could use a friend. Christian, too. ”
“Why?” I blurt out. “What’s wrong with Christian?”
She sighs and then takes a pull on her cigarette. “Nothing, really. Let’s just say he can be stubborn. ”
And then my thoughts of Christian are eclipsed by what she said about me, about my needing a friend, too, and it’s true. So true, but still I find myself asking, “What’s wrong with me?”
She shakes her head. It’s such a Mom thing to do. It says she’s hurting for me, that she knows more than I realize.
“Nothing is wrong with you. ” Her voice cracks slightly. “You know, and I might be fully off base with anything I say, so if I am— Actually, no, I’m not. I’m a mama and we know everything. ” For a second, clouds cover her eyes. “I know it can be scary to move forward sometimes, mija. Leaving my husband? That was the scariest thing I’d ever done, but I knew I didn’t belong with him. And I knew a lot of people weren’t going to understand. Hell, I didn’t even understand everything I was feeling, but I did it. Whatever it is you’re working through, you can do it too, okay?”
For the first time, I think I really want to try.
Brenda pushes her cigarette into her soda can, and then back in her robe pocket it goes. “One last thing, mija. It was worth all the pain and anger. I’m not saying I don’t have regrets, but I’m also saying it was worth it. ” She gives me a confident nod. “Now, I need to go hide my can and sneak back inside before Sally or Christian catches me. ” She walks back to the porch, climbs the stairs, and disappears.
I can’t stop thinking about what Brenda said. Her words float around in my head like little thought bubbles all through my shower, getting dressed, eating breakfast. What she did was huge. And if she could do it, maybe I can, too. I’m tired of not fighting for anything.
Of not living…
I’m not sure how much I can do, but I miss friends. I miss having someone to talk to, and if Christian is willing to look at me without those same condemning glasses everyone else wears, I’m going to hold on to that.
Brenda was right. I need a friend.
As I drive to school, I can’t believe I’m going this crazy over something as simple as talking to Christian. But then, this is different. It isn’t just talking to someone. It’s me trying to move forward—whatever that really means.
…
I don’t pay attention to anyone while I weave and dodge people in the hallways. Our school really needs an upgrade. We’re still small, but the number of students continues to grow and the walls and classroom sizes don’t.
While at my locker, I look around for my old friends, for Christian so I can try to talk to him. Of course, since I’m ready to actually do something, there’s no one in sight.
By the time lunch rolls around, Brenda’s words have been traveling the maze in my mind all day, pushing their way to the front. I’m doing this. I’m taking my life back.
I make a quick stop by my locker and grab my lunch, then head in the direction I know Christian and my old group will be. Nerves tickle my insides, but it’s not just nerves. It’s excitement, too. Eagerness because I set myself on a path, and I’m going to see my way through it.
Just then, they round the corner. Christian is in the middle of them, the two couples on either side and Ian on the very end, by Diana. My feet move quicker as I walk toward them. If I talk to Christian and start being friendlier—if they think I’m turning back into the old Brynn—will Diana and Ellie want to be friends again?
Ellie’s eyes catch mine, and I swear I see something in them. Something that mirrors how I imagine I look at her, with sadness and nostalgia, but then she glances over at her boyfriend, like I’m not here.
I don’t let it bother me because I’m trying to be friends with Christian right now. Trying to show him I appreciate him and that I’m sorry I can’t get my crap togethe
