Page 42 of Searching for Beautiful
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My eyes land on him.
His land back on me.
The group is almost right next to me by now, walking in the opposite direction. Once they’re right across from me, I open my mouth to say hello. Christian nods at me as if to say hi but just keeps walking, still talking with my friends, passing me, like I don’t matter at all.
…
I’m sitting on my porch swing when I hear a car pull in the driveway next door. I keep my back to the house, hoping if I do, they’ll just disappear.
“Hola, Brynn!” Brenda calls from next door. It’s not her fault her son is a jerk, so I figure I don’t have an excuse not to reply to her.
“Hey. ” I glance over my shoulder and give her a quick wave. Christian is next to her, with what looks like a bag of groceries in his hand. I hear them talking but can’t make out the words. I’m about to stand up and go inside when I hear someone jogging toward me.
“Mom wanted me to invite you to dinner. I’m pretty sure you’re her new best friend. ” Crossing his arms, Christian leans against my house, like this is any other day. Maybe to him it is any day and maybe it should be to me, too, but I can’t help it—I’m hurt. And I’m so tired of hurting, so tired of pain fighting to pull me under.
“No, thanks. ” I push to my feet and try to walk by him, but Christian reaches out and grabs my hand, stopping me.
“What’s the problem?” He lets go and my hand drops back to my side, tingling and warm.
“Nothing. I thought… You know what? Never mind. ”
He reaches for me again, but I pull away this time. Christian is faster than me, though, and moves over so he’s standing in my front door.
“Move,” I tell him.
“No. ”
“Yes. ”
“Make me. ” His lips quirk up in a smile.
“Ugh! How are you like this? How do you let everything just roll off your shoulders? Why are you always happy?”
“Please, I’m not always happy. I think you got a little taste of that at the center a while back. ”
“Yeah, but it was one time. Once isn’t a big deal. I had to work up the courage all day to try to talk to you. I know it’s stupid. It’s not like we haven’t talked before, but this was me initiating it. Me risking myself, but you just kept walking. ”
Slowly, his lips move. He’s not smiling any longer, the sides of his mouth tilted down. “What are you talking about?”
I throw up my arms. “Today! At lunch. I tried to say hi and you just kept walking like I wasn’t even there. I mean, I know everyone else ignores me ever since Jason, but you…” And now I’m fighting myself not to turn away. I want nothing more than to lock myself in my house and never go out again.
“Jason, that’s him, huh? I’ve heard stories about him. ”
“Yeah, it’s him. He hurt me and I haven’t been the same since, but I was trying. I tried today and you ignored me. ” I know I’m overreacting, but it’s how I feel. I’m tired of holding my feelings in. If I wasn’t, I know I never would have said any of this to Christian.
He sighs. “I might be good, but I’m not a mind reader. How in the hell was I supposed to know you were going to talk to me? Every time I try to talk to you in public, you run away. Last time we talked at school, you made it pretty damn obvious you wanted nothing to do with me there. I was just following your lead, Brynn. ”
And he’s right. “I know, but today. I wanted to talk to you today. ”
“So that means I should automatically fall in line with what you want? I’m not trying to be a jerk here, but you’re the one who’s been hot and cold with me. I wasn’t planning on chasing around after you, waiting for you to decide I’m worthy. I don’t work that way. And I’m not perfect. I never could have known what you wanted today unless you told me. ”
Author: Nyrae Dawn
Again, he’s right. Why does this all have to be so hard? It should be better by now, shouldn’t it? I should be better.
“I know…” I walk over and plop down on the porch swing. “I know,” I say again, like they’re the only words I can speak. “It’s just…I’m all mixed up right now. ”
