Page 29 of Searching for Beautiful
My heart speeds up. “It’s not. Like I said, I’m over you. You’d better leave me alone or I’ll tell someone. You’ll get in trouble for talking to me. ”
Jason rolls his eyes. “No, you won’t. If you wanted to tell someone, you would have done it when I called. If you didn’t want to see me, you wouldn’t have come over here. ”
The shell I tried to build around myself starts to crumble.
“You’ve always been like that. You pretend you don’t want something when you do so you can play nice little Brynn. I see you, though, Red. I always have. You miss me. Even if you hate yourself for it, you miss me. ” There’s a calm, almost angry edge to his voice.
My eyes squeeze shut when Jason reaches out, pushing my hair behind my ear. By the time I open them again, he’s rounding the corner.
My stomach cramps and I lean against the wall. There’s something wrong with me. There has to be, because some of what he said was true. And the fact that I have no idea who the man is who just walked away from me. I have no idea who I am, for that matter. Maybe I don’t know anyone.
I pause at the trash can on the way back to my car. A second later I throw the gummy bears inside.
Chapter Nineteen
Early October
Now
Glancing at the speedometer, I see the needle edge closer and closer to 105 miles per hour. When something scary or exciting happens, people always say their hearts raced. I’ve said my heart has raced, but it’s not been anything compared to the rapid-fire rounds i
t’s shooting off right now. So fast I can’t even count the beats. So fast I can’t catch my breath. Jason’s always liked to drive fast. His car is his prized possession, but this is beyond fast. This is a death wish.
“Jason…” I manage to squeak out, but nothing else emerges.
Obviously he knows what I want because he says, “Relax, Red. I know what I’m doing. Let loose a little, huh?”
I nod, trying to do what he says, but I can’t help clutching the armrest. That’s one of the things I love most about Jason. He knows how to have fun. He likes to have fun with me, and if I can just make myself chill out and enjoy the way his car speeds around each turn, I’ll have fun, too.
Closing my eyes, I try to concentrate on my heart rate, willing it to slow down. Willing myself not to have a stupid heart attack. Jason’s dad taught him to drive and according to him, his dad’s a great driver. It’s the one thing they’ve always had in common…fast cars.
When a scream breaks through the car, I twist, a gasp caught in my throat when I see a baby in the backseat. Never, ever mention your heart can’t beat faster, because it can.
“Jason! Stop, slow down! There’s a baby in the backseat!” My hands beg to grab him, to jerk him until he listens to me, but I know I can’t. That will just make us wreck.
“Chill out. We’re fine. I told you, I know what I’m doing. The little guy likes it, don’t you?” He looks into the backseat, at who I know is our baby.
“Watch where you’re going!” I yell. Please make him stop. Please don’t let us crash. Please, please, please. It’s all I can think. I’m a mom; I’m supposed to protect my child. That’s what Mom always did with me. I don’t want to let her or my baby down.
Jason laughs. “You’re so funny, Red. Always freaking out. I got it under control. ” His eyes rest on me and still not on the road.
Our baby cries again, and my frantic stare shifts to the perfect little boy strapped in the car seat. We shouldn’t be here. I should be taking care of him better than this.
“Look, Brynn. No hands. ” Jason laughs again, lifting his palms from the steering wheel.
Nausea assaults me. “Stop. It’s not funny!”
“Oh, shit!” Jason shouts, grabbing the wheel and wrenching it to the left. I look up. It’s too late. We’re too late.
I scream as our car slams into a tree.
My eyes pop open. I gasp, then do it again, still not able to catch my breath. Part of me knows I’m in bed, but I can’t stop my eyes from darting around the room. From looking behind me to make sure there’s not a baby here. A little boy. I don’t know why, but I’d always thought it would be a girl.
I wobble as I get out of bed. I don’t feel like walking, but there’s no way I can lie back down. After that dream, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to sleep again.
Trying to find my legs, I pace around the room, the dream playing on repeat in my head. I used to hate it when Jason drove fast, but he’d never gone that fast in the car with me. It was one of his many stupid hobbies. Guys, their fast cars and all that, but what if he had tried to go that fast with me? Would I have been strong enough to tell him no? Would he have laughed at me like Dream Jason did? I want to think no…that I wouldn’t have been with a guy capable of that kind of cruelty, but he showed me just how cruel he could be, didn’t he?
In this moment, I somehow hate him more than I ever have.
