Page 2 of Searching for Beautiful
“I’m pregnant…with a baby. Duh, of course it’s a baby, but your baby…our baby. ” I step closer to him, but he pulls away. His hands jerk out of my grasp.
“How the fuck are you pregnant, Brynn? It sure as hell can’t be mine. I’ve worn a condom every time we’ve been together. Every. Single. Time. ” His words make me flinch. They’re like a whip biting into my skin.
Tears blur my vision; anger tries to block them. I’m shocked that Jason could accuse me of something like this. Then I remember the stories he’s told me, the anger he lives with every day. I promised Jason I wouldn’t be like that. We wouldn’t be that way.
But he made me the same promise, too.
Locking eyes on him, I notice his face is red, see the angry set of his jaw as he crosses his arms. Who is this? Jason has never yelled at me before. “I don’t know… I don’t know. But I’m pregnant. I swear. I’ve heard stories about girls getting pregnant even with a condom. Maybe it, like, had a hole in it. This isn’t something I would lie about, Jason. I’ve never been with anyone but you. Only you. You know that. ”
My hands shake. My heart, too. I love him. But he thinks I would cheat on him. The anger tries to push its way in again, but I swallow it down until it creates this sort of vacuum inside me instead. Blood rushes through my ears, making it difficult to focus on anything else.
“Hate to break it to you, Brynn, but if you haven’t been with anyone but me, you wouldn’t be knocked up right now. ”
A chill sweeps over me. The air conditioner? Whatever it is, it feels strong enough to knock me over. No, break me apart, blowing pieces of me around the house. I shake my head, trying to make sense of what he’s saying. Trying to swallow down the need to vomit. “How can you say that? You know I love you. I’d never. I love you, Jason. ”
He laughs. I used to love the sound, and now it’s beating me into the ground, sounding so different from any of his laughs before. “Didn’t you tell me your little boyfriend broke up with you the day before we got together? I’m sure you loved him, too. Grow up. I swear, you’re so naive. ”
How many times have I told him I never loved Ian? The only other time I thought I was in love, I was a dumb kid… Kid…
This can’t be happening. Jason can’t be treating me this way. Not when I’m going to have our baby. A baby. I clutch my stomach. The word suddenly starts repeating over and over in my head, blurring and mixing with Jason’s angry accusations until it’s all I can hear or feel.
“Jesus, I’m such a fucking idiot!” He runs a hand through his hair.
“How long have you known? Who told you? Figured you’d try and trap me, did you? Hate to break it to you, but it’s not going to happen. ”
“What?” The word manages to tumble out of my mouth.
He’s pacing now, and my eyes dart around the room, following him. It’s a struggle when I can’t stop his voice in my head or the nausea in my stomach.
Hate to break it to you, Brynn, but if you haven’t been with anyone but me, you wouldn’t be knocked up right now.
“This isn’t a game, Brynn. This is my life. I could go to fucking jail over this shit. You have to get rid of it. I’ll give you money or whatever, but you have to get rid of it. ”
Dizziness twists and turns around me, pulling me in, dragging me under. Jail… Get rid of it…
Oh, God. I’m pregnant. I’m sixteen and pregnant. He wants me to get rid of our baby. My dad will never talk to me again.
With Jason by my side, I thought it would be okay. Thought we could make it work. I’d have someone else to love.
My eyes flutter and my legs go weak. I crumple to the floor, not sure what else to do. “Shit,” Jason curses from above me. An eternity later, he joins me on the floor. “Shhh, Brynn. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… You just freaked me out. I… Shit, baby, you can’t tell anyone. I love you so much and hate to say this to you, but you can’t tell anyone. You have to get rid of the baby and no one can know it’s mine. ”
He wraps his arms around me, pulling me to his lap. God, I want to feel safe here, the way he’s always made me. This is the Jason I know. The one who’s calm, sweet, and loving, not this man flip-flopping between anger and affection that I’m seeing now.
“Shh…don’t cry. I’m sorry. I love you. I just… I wanted you so much, that I couldn’t stop myself from lying. One look at you and I was a goner. When I found out how old you are… I did it for us. ”
You can’t tell anyone…
“I couldn’t lose you, but don’t you see? This is serious shit. You don’t want me to go to jail for loving you, right?” His words are a blur, a muffled echo in my head.
You have to get rid of the baby and no one can know it’s mine.
My mom died, and now he wants me to kill our baby. Don’t know if I can do it. Baby… Pregnant. No one can know it’s mine. “What are you talking about?”
“Oh, Brynn. You’re so beautiful. Stop crying. I can’t handle hearing you cry. I’m so sorry, but you can’t be mad at me for loving you. That’s why I did it. You love me, too, don’t you? If you do, you have to get rid of the baby and not tell anyone. I’ll pay for it. I don’t want to lose you. ”
If Jason can’t accept what happened, how can I expect Dad to? He’ll hate me. Be disappointed. He’s already broken because of Mom. “I love you, too,” I whisper. “But…” I don’t think I can do it. Kill my baby? Kill our baby?
“How far are you?”
