Page 1 of Searching for Beautiful
Chapter One
Early June
Now
One, two, three, four. I focus to slow my breathing. In, out, in, out, trying to make the breaths stretch slowly, closer to tortoise rather than hare, like they’re rushing right now. My palms sweat, making my hands stick to the steering wheel, almost like they’re in clay on my pottery wheel.
Why am I so nervous? I shouldn’t be. This is Jason and he loves me. How many times has he assured me I can tell him anything? That we’re connected…soul mates, who were lucky enough to find each other in this crazy, screwed-up world we live in.
More than that, he likes it when I talk to him, when I tell him what’s inside me. Because at home, all he has is ugliness. Fighting parents, a dad who is always putting him down and calling him names.
I’m his haven. His beautiful.
Funny how out of all the billions of people in the whole wide world, I found him. That he calls me his beautiful when that’s what Dad always called Mom. Not in the same words—la mia bella signora is what Dad used to call her. My beautiful lady. That’s how I knew Jason and I were meant to be. It was a sign that I’m destined for a love just as true as my parents had. Just like I always felt it was destiny for them to adopt me. She was meant to be my mom.
My heart starts to calm at the memory of Jason whispering those words to me. Of his breath against my ear. His body wrapped around mine. We love each other, I remind myself, so I shouldn’t be scared to tell Jason. Now the rest of it? That makes my stomach turn and my head pound. Dad is going to freak.
After pulling the keys from the ignition, I get out of my car, running my hands down my red dress. It’s the one I wore the night we met.
If red wasn’t my favorite color before, it definitely is now. He’d touched my hair, the red that surprises everyone, since Dad is Italian. But then, it’s not as though I would look like him.
That quickly, it had been like Jason and I knew each other forever. Did he know then? Feel the draw he told me about later? Feel the same spark with me that Mom always talked about with Dad? I hadn’t at first. I didn’t want to feel anything when I met Jason. Caring hurt, and I had enough hurt to last a lifetime.
I love him now, though. That’s what matters.
Red hair…red dress, and now red cheeks. I never knew blushing could be so damn sexy…
Half of me wanted to laugh at him. I mean, really? How dumb did he think I was? At the time, it was obvious his words were lines, but instead of laughing, I talked to him. He talked back, and nothing’s been the same ever since.
Smiling, I start to walk toward his brother Sam’s house. Luckily, he’s always out of town, so we never have to worry about seeing him. It’s the perfect place for Jason and me to meet.
The front door swings open before I get a chance to knock. Jason’s there, his blond hair messy like always. He’s wearing a pair of shorts, no shirt. Even after the past three months, I still shiver seeing his toned body. The ripples of his abs and firm arms. He works out like crazy.
“Hey, babe. About time you got here. Sam will be home soon, so we don’t have much time to hang out. ”
As soon as he pulls me inside, his mouth is on mine. So recognizable, that mint tinged with smoke. I’ve always hated smoking, which is why he sucks on the mints. But still, the mixture is him. I would know it anywhere. It’s not that I necessarily like it, but it’s familiar. And familiarity is important.
Tell him, tell him, tell him. The words creep into my head. I try to slam the door on them, but they’re like his smoke, floating under the door and filling the room until I’m almost suffocating on them. “Jason…” I pull back a little bit. “I want to talk to you, remember? I have… I have something to tell you. ”
He smiles, threading his fingers through mine before pulling me farther into the house. Into the living room. “Sorry, I just missed you. You know how irresistible you are to me. ”
I feel the heat burning my cheeks.
“Ah, there is it. Love that blush. ”
Somehow, it’s those words that give me the courage I need. He loves my blush, my laugh. How many times has he told me he loves everything about me?
Love will make it okay.
“I…” I grab his other hand, too, needing to touch him as much as I can, wanting to look him in the eyes when I speak to him. “I need to tell you something important. ”
He cocks his head a little, his hands tightening. “What is it?”
“I’m…” Push the words out, Brynn. They’ve been eating me alive for weeks and now I just need to say them. My hands start shaking and briefly I wonder if he can feel it. My throat feels clogged, like words or breath can’t get through. They’re trapped behind a barrier of fear. Do it! “I’m pregnant. ”
The sentence somehow sucks all the air out of the room. It’s suddenly hard to breathe again. Jason’s hands grip mine tighter and tighter. I steady myself, proud of how I’m handling this. I spent two days crying before today, freaking out. I promised myself I wouldn’t freak when I told Jason.
“Excuse me?”
