Page 26 of Searching for Beautiful
If I keep things cut off now, I don’t have to worry about them ending the way they did with Jason. Or even Ian.
After turning off the car, I get out at the community center, really wishing I didn’t have to come today.
When I walk inside, it’s full of people like it always is. Automatically my eyes scan the room for Christian, but I don’t see him.
“Hello, Brynn. How are you today?” Valerie stands in the doorway to one of the counseling rooms.
“Good. ” I walk toward the room. She waits until she closes the door behind me before she speaks.
“You look a little sad today. Did anything happen?”
Yes. The boy I used to think I loved was nice to me. He was nice when most people aren’t and I was horrible to him because as it turns out, it’s scarier to deal with someone treating me normally than being ignored.
“No. Nothing happened. I’m just a little tired, I guess. ”
The way she’s looking at me, you’d think my nose was growing to prove my lie.
“Have a seat. ” I do and she continues. “I know it seems silly that talking can help, but it really does. It’s important to get your feelings out, and sometimes it enables you to see things from another side. ”
Yeah, talking to a strange woman definitely doesn’t sound like something I want to do. Maybe if I had Diana and Ellie, things would be easier. But then, I didn’t talk to them when I had the chance.
“Your dad said you make pottery. Have you spent any time in our art room? Art is a fantastic way to center yourself and clear your mind. ”
A flash of the last fight with Mom plays in my mind. How I ran to my pottery room to clear my head while she died. No, thank you. “Pottery is easier for me to do alone. I have my own room for it at home. ”
Valerie nods and I wonder exactly when it was I became such a good liar.
We spend the next forty-five minutes talking about nothing, really. She avoids most of the topics I don’t want to talk about, except she does ask about my friendships at school. I tell her Ellie, Diana, and I have drifted apart, which is true.
“Okay, Brynn. We’re good until next week, but I want you to work on trying to participate more—here and in other aspects of your life. I’d love to see you get involved a little more, or to try and find a way to open up, okay? This will only help if you’re involved one hundred percent. ”
I stand, my fight with Christi
an today playing on my tongue, but I can’t make the words jump out. I’ve never had to really talk to someone I don’t know—someone I didn’t choose. I always had my friends or my parents there. I can’t just force myself to say or do what she wants from me.
“Okay. Thanks. ”
I had just closed the door when I hear a commotion on the other side of the room.
“Not in the mood today, man. ” There’s an angry edge to Christian’s voice that I’ve never heard from him before. He crosses his arms and leans against the wall.
“It’s not really an option, Christian. You know that. ” The counselor I saw him with that first day stands straight, crossing his arms, too, as if to tell Christian he’s not screwing around.
“It’s just a day. One fucking day. It’s not going to kill me to miss our meeting. ”
My heart speeds up and I know I should turn away. This isn’t my business. I wouldn’t want people watching me, either, but it’s like I’m nailed in place. He’s being so different from the boy with the smile and the gummy bears.
“In my office, Christian. ”
“Nope. ” He turns and pushes the front door open so hard, it slams against the wall.
Before he steps out, a woman says, “Christian!” from across the room. I see him freeze as a Hispanic woman who looks an awful lot like him approaches.
She gets close enough to him that I can’t hear her when they speak. I see him shake his head but then she says something else. Christian closes his eyes and even from where I’m standing, I see his chest rise and fall in deep breaths. The room is silent—the only noise a loud beat in my ear.
Without another word, Christian turns my way. My body sets in stone, still unable to move even though I know he’s coming my way. That he’s heading into the room right next to the one I left.
Christian’s eyes briefly run over me—no, it’s more like they cut through me—but then he faces forward, walks over and into the office.
