Page 5 of Searching for Beautiful
I hate that I did this to him. That the love of his life died from a stupid aneurysm and now the daughter she loved so much is breaking him again. Is he wondering what she would think? Wishing she had to deal with this and not him? Thinking that she never would have screwed up this badly? Or even worse, I worry that he wishes they didn’t adopt me. Maybe if he had a real daughter, she wouldn’t have screwed up as badly as I did.
“I’m scared. ” My eyes dart down, suddenly interested in my lap. In the swirl of the blue fabric of my jeans.
Another sigh. “Me too, dolcezza. ”
I can’t help but look at him. I haven’t been his sweetie in years. I’m not sure if it’s my fault or his; I thought it made me sound like a baby, and he never pushed it. He hasn’t pushed anything in so long. Until now.
“The right thing,” he mumbles again, climbing out. “Come on. Let’s go in. ”
The slam of the door makes me jump. Then I get out of the car and follow him into the office of the lawyer he hopes will get my ex-boyfriend thrown into jail.
…
“So we have Jason Richter saying Brynn lied about her age. That she told him she was eighteen. We have her friends, who say she bragged about her new boyfriend. About how much she loved him. More than one of them says she told them she didn’t want anyone to meet him yet. That even though Mr. Richter wanted to meet her friends, she wanted to keep him to herself for a little longer. ”
“He’s older than her. It’s obvious he lied. Brynn making up stories about their not being able to meet him was just a silly thing kids do. ”
Just like Dad’s been so fond of doing lately, our lawyer sighs. “I understand that, Mr. De Luca. I do, but you have to look at it from the outside. We’re going to tell people she lied then, but ask them to believe her now. It makes her unreliable. With her friends all telling the same story and Mr. Richter saying she lied to him, it doesn’t look good.
“We have a girl who’s lied—” the lawyer continues.
“But—” Dad cuts in, but Mr. Rogers holds up his hand.
“I’m playing devil’s advocate here. We have a girl who’s admitted to lying. Who started acting strangely to her friends. ”
“Her mother died. ” This time, Dad doesn’t let himself be cut off. “That has to count for something. ”
“It could account for her lying about her age to impress a boy, too. ” The lawyer almost looks sad as he continues. “She spent months with Mr. Richter in secret, which they can very well argue she did because she didn’t want him to find out how old she really was. We have her ex-boyfriend Ian, who says she stopped calling him and then flaunted Mr. Richter, bragging about her new boyfriend. Which again, they will say is proof she knew who he was. She’s kept secrets. Lied over and over, and that’s what people are going to focus on. ”
And I had. I’d lied about a lot to be with Jason.
Author: Nyrae Dawn
“We also have a small-town boy makes good. The kid from the wrong side of the tracks who worked hard and made it to the minors, despite his felon father. ”
He’s right. Maybe I deserve this somehow, because of Mom and how I treated my friends after she died. Even before Jason, I’d pulled away.
“Being frank with you both, I’m not sure we could get a conviction. I’m not saying I wouldn’t try. I’m saying it will be hard, maybe impossible. ” He pauses and then turns to me. “I’m saying it’s going to drag out any little blemish they can find to ruin your character. I’m saying there will be nasty things said about you. I’m saying you have to really be sure it’s what you want before we decide to go there. ”
Leaning back in his chair, Mr. Rogers pushes his glasses up his nose. “Can you do this, Brynn?”
No, no I can’t. “Daddy?” I turn to look at Dad. This time, I’m the one using a name that’s been lost to us for so long.
“I’ll give you guys a minute. ” Mr. Rogers stands up and walks out of the room. Dad’s eyes never leave mine. There are more wrinkles than there used to be. Dark circles. And they look broken. So broken, and I hate that I’m the one who made him feel this way. That I saw a boy behind his back. That I had sex and got pregnant at sixteen. That he has to deal with all this stuff that makes him so uncomfortable, because he’s all I have. Because they chose to adopt me and I screwed up so royally. I’m even sorry for Mom, because maybe if I’d let her rest, maybe if we hadn’t fought, she’d still be here.
I’m also sorry that he has to look at me and wonder…am I the liar? Am I the one who really tricked Jason instead of the other way around?
“God. ” Dad leans forward, elbows on his knees, and hands covering his face. He’s quiet for a few minutes before his shoulders start to jump up and down. Cause and effect. Tears start filling my eyes, too, playing follow the leader down my face.
“I don’t know what to do, Brynn. I don’t know what to do. What’s right. How to fix it. ”
What he means is how to fix my screwup. How to fix me.
“Your mom would know what to do. If she were here, this probably never would have happened. ”
This meaning my colossal mistake. The lies that put us here. Why did I ever trust Jason? How could I have been so stupid to believe all his practiced sincerity? Why couldn’t I have leaned on my friends instead? “I just want it to go away. I want to forget it. Forget him. I just want it to get better. ” I pull my knees to my chest, not caring that my Chucks are probably getting dirt on the chair. “Can’t we just forget about it? I can’t…” A ball lodges in my throat, and the words won’t come out. The knees of my jeans are wet with tears. “Please, Daddy. Please just let me forget about it all. ”
“Shh. It’s okay, dolcezza. ” Dad’s hand cups the back of my head. His arms wrap around me. “Shh, we’ll just forget it ever happened. It’ll be okay. I won’t make you go through with the charges. It’s over. ”
