Page 4 of Searching for Beautiful
Ian, my ex-boyfriend, doesn’t understand. He’s too busy with sports and having fun to take time to care about much.
Ellie and Diana try, but they don’t understand, either. When you haven’t experienced it, it’s easy to think you fully get it, but you don’t. It’s hard with them, because they knew her so well. They loved her so much. Not nearly as much as me, but as much as best friends can love another mom. She had that kind of power, though. My friends were jealous she was my mom.
Maybe that’s why I can’t talk to them about it—she was the one thing I had that they didn’t, and in the blink of an eye, she was taken away from me.
My chest starts aching again.
“I’m sorry. ” Jason uses his other hand and pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. “It’s so hard to lose someone close to you. I lost my grandma. When I was young, I always wanted to be at her house because it was calm there. I could be happy. She was more like a mom than mine is—I loved her more than anyone else. Nothing’s been the same since she’s been gone. Just another thing we have in common. ” He gently squeezes my hand.
“Just another thing,” I repeat. Jason knows what I’m going through because he’s lived through losing someone he loves. I hate feeling comfort in that, because it means he lost his grandma, but he makes it so I don’t feel alone.
“We can talk about her if you want. Or we don’t have to. It’s up to you. I don’t want to push you, but I want to be here for you, too. ”
That’s exactly what I need. Everyone else tells me how to feel. But Jason lets me go at my pace. Feel what I feel and talk when I want to talk. It’s like he’s filled a void inside me I never thought would be filled again. Makes me feel when I never thought I would want to feel again.
I snuggle against him as he leans back on the old, bumpy tree. We’re at our spot, the quiet, out-of-the-way piece of heaven where Jason likes to bring me. No one bothers us here. No one comes here. It’s ours and only ours.
“You’re amazing,” I tell him, and I mean it. Sometimes I can’t believe I found him just when I needed him. Maybe Mom sent him to me, to help me get by without her. She always knew the right thing to do, and I can’t see this being any different. If she couldn’t be here for me, I know she would find a way to send me someone who could.
“No, you are. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Brynn. I need you so much. ” His words are so smooth, so perfect that I used to doubt them. But then, I could have seen Dad being like this with Mom. She used to reminisce about how he always said the right thing.
I turn to face him and Jason’s lips come down on mine, so soft, so gentle. He takes the kiss deeper, pushing his tongue inside my mouth. It goes straight to my head. He goes straight to my head, making my heart tap-dance and my stomach flutter.
I shiver when his hand edges under my shirt. His fingers tickle my stomach. My heart goes even wilder, but now for a different reason. Nerves push their way through, threatening this perfect moment between us.
Relax, Brynn. Calm down.
His fingers tickle my belly before going higher…higher, and then they tease the edge of my bra. It’s almost like an electric shock, making me jerk away. It feels weird to go from thinking about Mom to getting felt up.
Jason lets out a heavy breath and I automatically feel guilty. “I’m sorry…,” I whisper. He’s here for me; I should be able to do this for him. It’s not like it’s a huge deal.
He curses beneath his breath, but then looks at me and gives me a tight grin. “It’s okay. I don’t want to push you. I never want to push you, Brynn. You know I love you. ”
The words cover me like a comfortable blanket, filling more holes and voids inside me. Pretty soon, he might have me all patched up.
“I love you, too. ”
He stands and holds his hand out for me. I let him help me up. “Do you want to do something?” I ask. “Maybe see a movie or go out to dinner?”
He shakes his head. “I asked Sam if we could go to his house. He’ll be out for a bit today. I just want to spend time with you. ”
I feel like I’m floating. I love that Jason wants to keep me to himself. That he loves spending time with just me because I’m that important to him. For me, he’s perfect.
Chapter Three
Late June
Now
“I don’t want to do this. ” They’re the first words to spill out of my mouth all morning. It’s not the first time I’ve said them,
but I’m hoping this time, they’ll matter.
Dad finishes parallel parking. He’s an expert at it, but I’ve never been able to do it. The whole pulling in backward thing freaks me out. I’m lucky I passed my driver’s test.
Once he kills the engine and lets out a sigh—one of the many he’s let escape the past couple weeks—he replies. “It’s for the best, Brynn. You might not see it now, but it’s true. I… It’s just the right thing. We have to do it. ” I’m not sure if he’s trying to convince me or himself. Still, it’s the longest string of words he’s spoken to me at once since “the incident,” so maybe it’s progress. It’s not as if he ever spoke much anyway—Mom was always the vocal one—but words never seemed painful to him before.
Now they’re agony.
