Page 23 of Searching for Beautiful
“Oh my God! Maybe Kev and I will do it, too. I’ve been trying to hold him off. But I love him, and if you guys are going to… It’ll make the night perfect. ” Diana bounces excitedly.
I don’t think I want to have sex with Ian. Not the way we break up and get back together. He’s never even told me he loves me.
They continue talking about it and I nod and agree, even though their words are fuzz. It would be kind of cool, though. The three of us losing our virginity the same night. Maybe it’ll even bring Ian and me closer together, so we can be more like Diana and Ellie are with their boyfriends.
“Now hurry up and go shopping, Brynn. You need to get a dress before all the good ones are gone. ”
We all jump out of the car and hug good-bye before Ellie and Diana take off and I head inside. My body feels all electric. I can’t wait to go shopping with Mom. To find the perfect dress for the perfect dance and to maybe even take that next step with Ian.
“Hey. I’m home. ” Walking into the living room, I see Mom sitting on the couch. “Are you ready to go?”
Looking over at me, she gives me a sad smile. “I’m not sure if today is the best day, kiddo. ”
The buzzed feeling starts to dim. “What? You promised. There’s only a week left until the dance and you and Dad are going to be gone tomorrow. ”
“We can go after. I’ll make sure I tell Dad we have to leave early for our mother/daughter shopping trip. ”
“But I was going to stay at Diana’s tomorrow night, remember? Let’s just go now. It won’t take long. ”
She knows how much I love dances. Diana, Ellie, and I have been making plans for this one for two months.
“I have a headache, and I’m feeling a little nauseous. ” Mom shifts on the couch.
“I’ll grab you some Tylenol. ”
I move toward the stairs but Mom stops me when she says, “We’re just going to have to wait, Brynn, okay? You’re being ridiculous. ”
I flinch slightly. “Dude, you’re the one who wouldn’t let me go with Diana and Ellie. You don’t have to snap at me and make this my fault. ”
She sighs before standing. “I’m not. ” Mom grabs hold of the couch and leans on it. “I’m not trying to snap at you but I also don’t appreciate you getting so upset. It’s not a big deal. You know I would never let you end up without a dress for the dance. ”
“I can call Diana and Ellie and go with them. ”
“I want this to be something we do together. It’s not—”
“Don’t say it’s not a big deal again because it is to me. You know it. I don’t get why you won’t just let me go without you!”
This is a big night for me. Ian is driving us for the first time. We’re eating at a restaurant with all our friends, the first time we’re able to do things like this without our parents. And Ellie and Diana might have sex, and maybe I’ll decide I want to as well.
“Brynn…”
“Fine. Whatever. Make me wait. ” I drop my backpack by the door. “Thanks for ruining my day. ”
Without another word, I run past her, into the kitchen, and out to my pottery room.
It’s the last time I see Mom alive.
Chapter Sixteen
Now
Dad’s never been one to really tiptoe around anyone. He’s quiet, yes, but tiptoe, no. But the morning after our little incident with Christian, he’s definitely walking on eggshells around me. While I’m eating my bacon, I notice him watching me, a strange look on his face. He opens his mouth, closes it. Opens it, closes it, and then gives me that poor Brynn smile. The one that says, even though he thinks I lied about Jason, he feels sorry for me.
Mom definitely never would have done something like have sex with an older guy and then been stupid enough to get pregnant. But she did lose babies. A couple of them, both before and after they adopted me. The adoption almost didn’t go through, either. They fought so hard for me. It used to mean I was special, but I have no idea if it still does.
My head knows that’s stupid. Regardless, I know my dad and I know he loves me, but our heads and hearts don’t always travel the same wavelength. Sometimes they’re not even on the same frequency…like they’re a whole galaxy away from each other.
The rest of the morning, I can’t stop myself from wondering what he was going to say. When you speak, make it count. He’s told me that a million times. Make it count. Is that why he can’t speak? Maybe he’s still trying to figure out how to make it count.
