Page 24 of Searching for Beautiful
When I get to school, there’s some crazy part of me that kind of expected—or hoped? No, not hoped because after last night, I’m done pretending. That few minutes with Christian didn’t make anything go away. Actually, it made it worse. But yeah…a part of me did kind of wonder if he’d be at my locker. Walk up to me sometime in the morning and offer me a gummy bear, but it doesn’t happen. I don’t even see him until after third period and of course, he’s with the crew, laughing and talking like nothing has changed.
Which is right, I guess. Nothing has changed, so why should he pretend it has? Still, it stings. Until the whole group of them walks by me, and he waves and winks at me. Then, it just pisses me off. Ian gives me one of his dirty looks. Todd and Kevin don’t notice the wink or anything else, but Ellie and Diana do, and I can see the questions in their eyes.
The second I walk into health class, I hear it. Th
at tiny baby cry that has no business here. My eyes dart around the room, trying to see if anyone else looks as surprised by the sound as I do. To see if anyone else looks like they even hear it. For all I know, I’m going crazy.
But I’m not. At least, not yet.
Mrs. Mulligan stands in the back of the room with an electronic baby. She’s fiddling around with it, pushing all sorts of buttons while two girls from my class stand there giggling and trying to help her. They all think it’s funny that they can’t turn off this electronic baby, flipping it around while they try to shut it up, and all I can think about again is: I could have been a mom.
“Excuse me. ” There’s a slight shove to my back as someone squeezes by, reminding me I’m trapped in the doorway like there’s some sort of invisible force field.
I suddenly feel like crying, but I can’t. Not here.
The bell rings, making me jump a little. Mrs. Mulligan finally gets the baby to be quiet and then looks up at me. “Come in, Brynn. Take your seat please. ” She has this clueless, happy expression on her face and I want to yell at her. Tell her I had a baby inside me for seven weeks and lost it! Scream it at the top of my lungs, but then remember I’m still in high school. Too young to be a mom anyway, so do I even have a right to be mad about it? A right to feel cheated out of something I’m not ready for anyway?
One foot in front of the other, I make my feet keep moving. Make them carry me to my desk, because I have no other choices. I can’t run out of this room. Can’t give them something else to stare at, to whisper about me.
You can do it. You’ve made it this far. Keep going, keep going, keep going.
I never used to talk to myself before. Never used to have to chant to myself just to make it through, but now…now it’s all I have.
For forty-five minutes, my heart races, my stomach churns. Mrs. Mulligan is nothing but a muffled voice in the background, speaking in some foreign language that I don’t understand.
I’m pretty sure she’s talking about babies. Pretty sure we’re going to have to take turns carrying that doll around.
Pretty sure I’m going to lose it.
When the bell rings, it’s all I can do to grab my stuff before I run out of the room. Run down the hall, pushing my way through people like I haven’t since that first day I ran from Christian.
I hardly make it to the toilet before I heave. Before my breakfast and coffee and everything else in my stomach empties. The whole time I’m wondering what I’m doing. Why I’m losing it like this, but I can’t stop.
When I retch again and nothing else comes up, I flush and fall against the stall. It’s then I realize I didn’t even close the door. That it’s lunch and a miracle no one came in—unless they did and I didn’t notice.
Scrambling up, I push the door closed and lock it before putting down the toilet seat and falling onto it. It stinks in here, like it hasn’t been cleaned or something, but I still can’t make myself move. I don’t know if my legs will work. It’s obvious the rest of me is broken, so they probably are, too.
I just lost it over a doll. A freaking doll. I can’t stop thinking about it. I also can’t stop seeing it. Can’t stop wondering. Can’t stop remembering when I took the test. Remembering Jason telling me to get rid of our baby. The look on Dad’s face when the doctor told him what was happening. When the nurse asked about the pregnancy and I made him leave the room.
“Did you see Brynn De Luca’s face in class?” My eyes dart to the closed stall door. I hadn’t even heard anyone come in.
“It was like a freak-out. I thought she was going to blow at any second,” a girl says.
“It’s probably guilt. I’d feel guilty, too, if I got knocked up and then had an abortion. ”
Author: Nyrae Dawn
“She had an abortion? I heard she lost it. ”
I did! I want to tell them. I’m not the type of person who’s going to look down on someone else if abortion is the right choice for them, but I didn’t do it and I don’t want people thinking I did. I can’t say anything, partly because I’m too weak to talk about it and partly because I’m ashamed. Everyone knows about Jason and the baby, but God, it still sucks to be the girl who got pregnant.
“Of course she’s going to tell people she lost it,” the first girl says. “Why would she go around announcing she had an abortion?”
Their voices are getting farther and farther away until I hear the door creak and know I’m alone.
The urge to vomit threatens me again, but I can’t. There’s nothing there, so before I have the chance to start crying again, I push to my feet and slam open the door.
They think I did it. People think I got rid of my baby.
