Page 244 of The Virgin Romance Novelist Chronicles
“Big penis, huh? Looks like he gets that from his father,” Henry mutters when he finally turns toward me.
I roll my eyes. “Oh really, and here I thought the big penis came from me.”
He tips my chin up. “You get to claim his nose. I get his penis.”
“Lucky me.”
* * *
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
Foot bouncing, phone held to my ear, I rock Kellan in his car seat and beg Henry to pick up his phone.
Everything was going so smoothly. I got in a walk this morning, I was writing, Kellan was sleeping, andThe Chainsmokerswere singing us both a romantic lullaby. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect start to the day.
And then I heard it.
A gurgle.
A rumble.
And then . . . an explosion.
The smell came next, assaulting my nose in seconds. Kellan pooped. But this wasn’t any normal poop, this was front-to-back poop. Belly button-to-shoulder blades poop. Not only did his excrements cover him in a revolting mustard color, but it was all over the couch too. It was like he had a T-shirt cannon in his butt and blew it at such a high velocity that it simply couldn’t only go in one direction. And do you know what he did after he let it all loose? He lightly smiled, shimmied into his soiled clothes, and went back to sleep.Yes. My son shimmied in poop.
It wasn’t his first time and I know it won’t be his last. The poop isn’t the reason why I’m sitting in the doctor’s office continuing to call Henry until he picks up the phone. Nope, it’s the bath I had to give Kellan.
I tried, I tried really hard not to get his penis in water, but would you believe he didn’t cooperate, and before I knew what was happening, his circumcision bell fell off!
Fell off!!
And floated in the water, mocking me for what a poor mother I am.
It’s day three.
It was supposed to be on for at least five days.
Can you see where the panic is coming in? I ruined his penis. Instead of a full turtleneck, he’s going to have a mock turtleneck, and I think we can all agree on those never being in style.
“Rosie,” Henry finally answers. “Is everything okay?”
Feeling breathless and on the verge of tears, I say, “It fell off. Oh, Henry, it fell off, and now he has a mock turtleneck.”
“Wait, what?”
“The bell, Henry. The bell fell off. His penis will be forever deformed.”
“Love, slow down and tell me what happened.”
Still rocking Kellan, I take deep breath and tell him about the poop explosion, the bath, the bell falling off, and how I’m now waiting for the pediatrician to come check on everything. “It doesn’t look like your penis, Henry. It has skin over the head, like a mock turtleneck. I ruined his penis.” I hold back a sob that wants to escape as my eyes well with tears. “No one is going to want to have sex with him because his penis is weird.”
“He will be able to have sex, and I’m sure it’s not that big of a deal.”
“Can you leave work?”
“Unfortunately I can’t. I have two more meetings lined up.”
I press my hand to my forehead. “But his penis—”
