Page 245 of The Virgin Romance Novelist Chronicles
There is a knock at the door and Dr. Melons comes in. “Hey Rosie, looks like Kellan’s bell fell off?”
She’s staring at Kellan’s file, so when I scream—because I’m in hysterics—she startles back and drops everything to the floor. “He has a mock turtleneck. It’s horrible. He pooped everywhere. I ruined his penis. He’ll never ever have sensation in his crotch again.”
Gathering herself, Dr. Melons picks up the files and sets them on the counter before washing her hands. “Let’s take a look, shall we? Can you put Kellan on the table?”
“Sure. Henry, I have to go.”
“Okay, call me after and try to be rational.”
Sneering into the phone, I say, “Don’t you tell me to be rational when your son’s penis is hanging on by a thread.”
I hang up, drop the phone in the diaper bag, and put Kellan on the table. Dr. Melons undoes his diaper and I look away, unable to take in the monstrosity I created that is now . . . his penis.
Worry seeps through my bones, as the clock above the door ticks away the seconds while Dr. Melons studies my son’s penis. A simple yes he’s going to be fine, or we should start making a prosthetic now would be appreciated. But as she examines him, she stays silent.
It isn’t until a minute passes that I finally burst. “Will he never know what it feels like to have a boner? Just tell me, did I ruin his huge penis?”
“Everything looks fine. Do you see this?” I look at Kellan. “This is just excess skin, but the head of his penis is great.”
“So the circumcision was okay even though the bell fell off early?”
“Yup, everything looks great. I’m guessing since he’s bigger in size, the bell fell off earlier, but he’s good. I’m just going to pull back his . . . oh dear.”
“What?” I flail to the table, getting a close look. “Why did you say oh dear?”
“Hmm, when I pulled the skin down to expose the head, it’s tighter than expected, and I’m a little nervous it might cut off the circulation to the head of his penis.”
I’m going to faint. Yup, look out, floor, I’m coming for you.
“I can’t move the skin back. Let me get another doctor. If we can’t get this fixed, we’re going to have to rush him into surgery with a urologist.”
Oh.
My.
Hell.
Dr. Melons takes off, leaving me with Kellan, who I scoop up into my arms and cradle close to my chest. I rock back and forth, tears streaming down my eyes.
“I’m so, so sorry. I can’t believe your penis is going to fall off dead.” Snot drips from my nose onto his head. “Oh God, they’re going to call you stump in the locker room, I just know it. Kids are so cruel. Here you were with this beautifully giant penis and then bam, half of it’s cut off because your penis skin is too tight. This is all my fault.”
For the next half an hour doctors are in and out of the room, opening Kellan’s diaper and then closing it again. It’s a whirlwind of information, exams, and reassurances, leaving my head to feel like mush. When I finally get Kellan home, Henry pulls into the driveway at the same time.Thank. God.
I sit there, holding the steering wheel, staring at our garage door, feeling like I just lived ten lives in the matter of an hour.
Henry opens my door but I don’t look at him. I’m still in shock, almost as if I’m in a state of comatose.How in the world did I get home?
“Love.” He gently presses his hand to my shoulder. “Are you okay?”
A lone tear falls, before I say, “His penis . . .” I swallow hard. “His penis is on the up and up.”
“So he’s okay?” I nod, still staring at the garage door. “Are you okay?”
He pushes my hair behind my ear and before I can stop myself, I whip my head around and spit fire in his direction. “If it wasn’t for your stupid big penis, this never would have happened. We had a penis scare, Henry. A PENIS SCARE. What am I supposed to do with that?” I gesture to my crotch. “I don’t have a penis, so I don’t know about tight skin or circumcisions. I have a vagina.” I lean closer and grit through my teeth. “Avagina.”
Seeming terrified, Henry takes a step back and gently entwines his hand with mine. “Hey love, how about we go get some ice cream.”
I nod, tears streaming down my face. “I think we need to.”
