Page 136 of Stroked Long
Chapter Twenty-Six
BODI
What the fuck am I doing?
Why did I even show up?
Because she was going to be here. I’m a masochist and needed to see her, to look her in the face and see how she was.
Fuck, she isn’t doing well. Especially after I made her cry . . . again.
I’m a fucking asshole.
The gala is a total success and not because of me but because of the woman who owns me. Despite our differences, she went on with planning and made sure everything we talked about was executed. Pictures of my mom were framed around the room, telling of her dedication to the club and to the arts.
It was too fucking much.
And then to see my Rubes . . . in that dress. Fucking tore me apart. That’s why I’m sitting on the curb outside the gala, my heart bleeding.
Love should mend a soul, not rip it to shreds, but I guess that’s what someone like me deserves.
“What are you doing out here?” Lauren sits next to me, her hand using my shoulder to balance.
“Fresh air.”
“Don’t bullshit me, Bodi.” Lauren always gets to the point.
“I can’t be in there. Seeing her almost killed me. Talking to her damn near destroyed me.”
“Why are you doing this to yourself? Why don’t you go love her, be with her, Bodi.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“It is.”
“It isn’t,” I counter with a terse tone.
“Really? Okay.” From the corner of my eye, I can see her gearing up to give me a lecture. “When I met your sister, she was just like you. Scared shitless to let go of the past and live in the present. She spent a lot of energy trying to prove to me why being with her would be wrong. I countered that energy with my own, showing her how right we would be together. It wasn’t easy. Our love came with heartache. Our journey was filled with night terrors, disbelief in her ability to love me like I love her, and lots of therapy. But she stuck it out, and do you know why?”
“Because she loves you.”
“Yes, but because for the first time since you lost your parents, she could breathe easily.” I exhale, my throat tightening. “She puts on a strong front for you, Bodi, never letting the past creep into your relationship with her, but know this: there isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t think about your parents, that she doesn’t try to live in their memory, in the love they showed you two every day. It’s about time you did the same. You want to honor them? Fucking love her, Bodi. Love the fuck out of Ruby. Cherish the fuck out of her. Spoil the fuck out of her. Spend every goddamn waking moment of your breathing life worshipping the ground she fucking walks on. Emulate your dad, be the man he was, not a man he would be disappointed in.”
Her words cut, hitting me deep in my soul.
Standing up, she points down the sidewalk where I see Ruby get into a car, her red dress trailing behind her. “Be a man, Bodi. Be a man and love the fuck out of her.”
Before I can answer, Lauren disappears back into the gala, leaving me with thoughts running through my head.
Images of my dad kissing my mom in the kitchen when he thought we weren’t around, of him holding her hand in the car, of him wiping her tears when she was upset, of him covering her with a blanket when she fell asleep on the couch only to stare at her for a few minutes, totally in love with the woman that slept in front of him.If he had lived that night, and only she had been killed, he wouldn’t really have lived.His body would have but not his soul. His heart.She was his air, the reason he breathed.
He loved her with everything in him.
Can I be like him? Can I push past my self-loathing, my guilt, and fully love Ruby? Can I give her all of me? Fuck, does she even want all of me?
Surely she’s had enough. Surely she doesn’t want anything to do with me.I made her cry.
But she’smyair. She’smyreason I breathe. And for the last week, I haven’t been able to get enough air into my lungs.
